Monday, February 25, 2013

Secondary PTSD - Mary's Story

I want to tell you the story of Mary.  I've changed her name to protect her identity and that of her former spouse, who is a military veteran.  Their story is one that gets played out thousands upon thousands of times all over the country in the homes of veterans and their spouses and children.  These innocent individuals are among the casualties of war that no one knows about, except for maybe the few who are close to them.  The war is brought into the relationship, and causes what is called secondary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, where the spouse and children begin to "mirror" the PTSD living inside the person inflicted with PTSD.  Secondary PTSD occurs when a person has an indirect exposure to risk or trauma, which results in many of the same symptoms as primary PTSD.  The most common occurrence of secondary PTSD is in the homes of returning veterans from the wars.  It seeps in almost unknowingly, creeps in like a thief in the night, and with it, disrupts, dis-harmonizes, and brings an unending list of troubles.  If PTSD, primary or secondary, is not treated, recognized, and healed, it will destroy the integrity and love in the relationships of all concerned, leaving deep scars and trauma wounds that can impact an individual for the rest of their lives.

Mary's story begins when she first met Steven while they were in high school.  They attended different schools, and met at a summer church festival.  Steven was one of the most handsome looking young men his age, strapping, young, full of youth and vigor, and the desire of all the girls around him.  Mary was this beautiful, spunky, immigrant girl from Southern Europe who matched looks with Gina Lollobrigida  and was every young man's dream.  They fell in love with each other that first night, and Steven told her the first time he met her he was going to marry her.  They seemed like the perfect match.  Mary found him to be very kind and sensitive.  They talked about their lives together, growing old, family, children, respect; Steven wanted the same things Mary wanted.  Although Mary buckled when Steven told her he was going to marry her, as she wasn't sure what she wanted to do yet with her life, they kept in touch while he was away fighting the war, writing letters to each other, professing their undying love.

When Steven came back from the war after going through a few tours overseas, he had changed.  The war had changed him.  Mary found him to be very distant, stand-offish, and not very friendly.  Mary noticed this drastic change in his personality, but because she remembered how he used to be, she would cater to him for his love and affection, believing in her heart, that if she showed him how much she cared for him, he would get better.  She knew the kind of person he was - kind, sensitive, outgoing, loving - and so, in order to bring this side out of him, she became very submissive.  She also didn't want to lose him, she loved him so much, so she did what she had to do to keep him from leaving.

One night, right before they got married, Mary and Steven went to a bar where a man whom Mary knew came up to her and said 'hi'.  Steven was so upset about this, he stood up, and walked out of the bar, leaving his fiance there to find a way back home by herself.  Mary was so distraught by Steven's overreaction, she cried and cried all night long.  Her mother, seeing her daughter shaken up and brought to tears by Steven, warned her daughter, "this man is going to make you cry the rest of your life."  But Mary didn't want to hear what her mother had to say, she loved Steven so much, and believed her love could save him from whatever pain he was going through.  Little did she know the problems she would soon face.

Steven and Mary got married very soon after he returned from the war.  But the problems didn't stop.  Steven would drink a lot, a very common coping mechanism for returning veterans in how they attempt to drown out the pain they feel inside.  He would be out drinking many times until 2 or 3 in the morning, coming home very drunk.  He drank at home, and during the week he would go out until very late.  Steven was hurting so bad inside, but he didn't know how to handle it.  How else was a 24 year old man supposed to handle that much pain having seen, witnessed, and participated in so much horror?  At that time, PTSD was not given the attention it deserved and those returning from the war did not have the resources to get healthy again.  The military breaks you down, teaches you how to kill, then you go do it, you come back, they give you a medal, and say have a nice life.  But those men are left with the mental, emotional, and psychological scars that impact the rest of their lives and the lives of their loved ones.  Just ask Mary.

The first year of their marriage, Mary told me, was very difficult.  One night, Steven came home drunk and said he was leaving her.  Mary knew he'd been drinking and told him to go to sleep and we'll talk about this in the morning.  Steven wouldn't listen.  Mary stood by the door blocking him from leaving, and in a fit of rage, Steven picked her up and threw her on the couch, and walked out of the house.  Mary, not one to give up on someone, got pissed off, ran after him and jumped on him from behind, knocked him down, and hit his face.  Steven was completely caught off guard by this.  Mary told him to get his ass in there.  He did.  The next morning, when Steven sobered up, in one of his few moments of vulnerability, said, 'You love me so much, no body fights for me.'  They reconciled, and for a while things were better, but things were about to get much worse.

Mary told me she was always in fear for her life when he drank.  Steven became very mean, everything was a problem, he wanted to hurt something, he had so much rage inside of him.  Whenever he drank, it relaxed him, and so this rage that he was bottling up, would come out.  As time passed and the problems continued, she felt that if she were not submissive to him, and instead was a woman who attacked him or stood up to him, she would have gotten hurt.  She slipped into a role, without even noticing it, which would define her role in the entirety of their relationship, of constantly watching out for people or circumstances that might "set him off."  Mary didn't want to aggravate or upset Steven in any way.  She catered to his needs, and when they had children, she took on handling all the childcare on her own.  She received very little help in the beginning in raising their son and daughter.  She wanted to keep everything "perfect" for Steven, but despite her best efforts, the problems continued.  Mary didn't know it, but she was showing the signs and symptoms  of secondary PTSD.

41/2 years into their marriage, Steven left Mary and their two young children, a boy who was 2 1/2 and an infant girl, who was 6 months of age, one night after coming home from drinking at 3 am.  Steven said he didn't love her anymore, and without any explanation, started packing up.  Three weeks before at a New Years Eve party, Steven had told Mary how much he loved and cared for her.  Mary begged him not to go.  "Please don't go, please don't go!" she screamed and hollered.  Steven was determined to do what he set out to do.  She cried and collapsed to the ground.  The emotional trauma was so extreme for Mary that within 24 hours her milk went dry for her still nursing infant daughter.

The next six months, all she did was cry and cry, and do her best to take care of the children.  Her son became her rock, and she clung to her children as a way to get through each day.  One day, while they were still separated, Mary got extremely angry with Steven because she'd found a receipt on the dash board of his car for flowers for some girl.  The two of them had taken their infant daughter to the doctor and Steven was driving them back home.  Mary attacked him and scratched her fingers on his face when they pulled up to the house.  Mary was so angry at him because she needed money for food for the kids and he was giving the money to buy flowers for a girl.  Steven blew up at what she did to him.  After dropping off their daughter inside with Mary's mom, they began arguing, and in a fit of rage, Steven picked up Mary and threw her in the snow.  Watching from the window, the violence, anger, hate, and pain, was their son.

Steven and Mary did get back together, for their children's sake and because they truly did love each other.  Mary though, grew even more submissive to him when he returned.  If the sky was purple, she would agree with him.  She did not want to upset him.  She wouldn't push him on issues, she would just agree, and would keep everything inside of her.  Mary did this because she didn't want to start any trouble.  She was afraid of losing him, and so she got through each day the best she could.  Mary did say though, not everyday was bad, there was a lot of good days, but she had to keep constant vigilance for that sign in him that said danger.

Steven eventually had to come to terms with his drinking.  The last night he drank during this period of their lives they were at a house warming party.  Steven was drinking pretty heavily, playing softball, being obnoxious and loud, kissing the girls around him, and getting drunk.  Mary was up by the house and couldn't find their son. She walked down to the fields where they were playing softball to find their son standing there watching his father doing all these things.  It got much worse as the night wore on.  By the time they left the party, Steven was beyond drunk, and insisted on driving.  Mary held her kids close to her side as Steven drove them home.  Steven nearly got them all killed in an accident.  Mary screamed at him, and was praying to God just to get them all home in one piece.  Steven, in his drunken stupor, slapped Mary, grabbed her hair, and became very violent.  Their son wrapped his arms around Mary's leg and buried his head into her.  Mary prayed and prayed all the way home.  When, by the grace of God, they did get home, Mary jumped out of the truck, and rushed her children inside.  Steven had fallen out of the truck, and was laying on the ground, but Mary didn't care at this point.  She'd made a pact with God that this was the final straw.  No longer was she going to put herself or her children's lives in jeopardy with someone who seemed so far from the man she remembered.  She knew there was a good man in there, but since the war, the man who returned was so full of rage and pain that he became a threat to the safety of them all.  Mary told me, in that moment, she became very calm, and knew what had to be done.

Steven made it inside the house and passed out on the couch.  Mary placed a bucket next to him so he had a place to vomit.  The next morning, Mary made coffee, and threw out the bottle of whiskey Steven used to add to his coffee when he drank it.  Steven was sobered up and completely oblivious to what had happened the previous night.  He had blacked out, and didn't understand why Mary was so cold to him.  Mary explained to Steven what happened, and told him, "That will never happen again.  You almost killed us.  They would have forgiven you because you were drunk.  But I was sober.  I'm never doing that again.  God gave me my children and you don't have the right to take them away."  Just then, their son came down the stairs and sat at the table for breakfast.  Steven tried to talk to him, and the boy, frightened and scared, said, "Papa, you scared me."  Steven really broke down.  This was his moment where the reality of the way he had been behaving became very clear, and the love he had for his child and his wife, made him make the choice to call and get help for his alcoholism.  Steven got the help he so desperately needed, for alcohol, not for PTSD, the true cause of his, and his family's problem.  Steven did stop drinking and didn't drink for many years, which diminished most of the tension and violence in the home.  But even when Steven was going in to get help, his parents told Mary, "the alcohol is just a symptom, its not the problem."

There was a long pause on the phone as Mary collected her thoughts.  She hadn't thought about these things for a very long time.  She said things got a lot better after that, but it didn't end completely.  She said she never knew when it would be World War III.  They built a successful life together, but that didn't stop the fear that he could explode if things weren't done in a certain way.  Little things became a monumental issue.  Everything was a war, or a problem, or a danger to Steven, according to Mary, and she remarked ironically, "Steven was always in the jungle, looking around."  Mary, to avoid confrontation as much as possible, kept the house clean (she also said she liked to keep the house clean too, so it wasn't really a problem or an issue), took care of the kids, did all the laundry, etc., everything in the family felt like it was left up to her.  And if she should fail or not do it perfectly, all hell would break loose.  So she did her very best not to give him any reason to complain.

I asked her about behaviors that stood out.  Mary told me that when they went to weddings, they would have to sit in the back of the room.  Steven didn't care much for crowds and wanted to see everyone who came into the room.  He stood on guard and watched most of the time, standing or sitting, and when he felt comfortable would go out and dance with her.  Steven was very judgmental and didn't trust anyone, especially women.  Back in the war, the enemy often used women and kids as boobie traps to kill soldiers in the field.  Mary sighed, held back a cry, and said, "Steven has such a good wonderful heart, but it was just damaged and in pieces."  Mary told me as the kids grew older, they used to make signs with their hands to indicate the temperament of Steven when he came home from work.  One finger meant Steven was happy, and five fingers meant everyone needed to be on their guard.  At times they felt like they were walking on eggshells.  Steven became a workaholic and Mary did everything else.  She told me he provided very well, and did the best he could, but didn't want to deal with the emotional side of life, or just wasn't capable of it at that time with his wife and children.

Mary went quiet for a moment, and then told me of a time when Steven had fallen off a roof and nearly died because of it.  Steven survived the fall miraculously, and while in the hospital, was the most kind and gentle person to her.  "He was so kind and gentle, he told my family how much he loved them, how he was going to change, how lucky he was to have her.  It was everything I ever wanted from him.  But then, three days later, it switched, and the old Steven was back."

I could sense the pain in her voice.  I asked Mary gently, was he ever there for you emotionally?  "Oh," she said, "I would cling to those windows of emotion, feelings and connection.  But it didn't last."  Mary said she tried to hide everything going on within the family to make things look perfect.  I asked her why and she said because he would get so upset.  He was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, his reaction to these everyday family emotional issues would be so over-the-top that you would feel like you and your children's lives were threatened.  But the BIG stuff, the big crises that would occur, Steven was great at handling.

Which makes perfect sense.  See, Steven, spent weeks, months, faced with constant fear, death, adrenaline, and danger.  This changes the way the brain looks and functions.  Steven could handle the big stuff extraordinarily well, it was the "normal" situations that he was ill-equipped to handle.  Hence, Steven would be very calm when the BIG stuff hit, while those around him marveled how he could handle these major life crises when they were on the edge of losing it.  But when the small stuff came in, what Mary considered "normal" family issues, Steven's reaction would be so over-the-top it would cause others, and her children to fear him.  So, she began to hide stuff from him to keep the peace.  Eventually, her behavior - hiding things from him about the children, her hyper-vigilance to keep a look out for cues and triggers that could bring about Steven's reactivity - most assuredly became a stressor and a problem for Steven.

In a healthy relationship, these "normal" family issues would not have become monumental events.  They would have been dealt with as soon as they occurred, and with the appropriate reaction and emotional response.  Here's the problem with PTSD (among many other things): you overreact to the small stuff, but are well equipped to handle the big stuff.  However, most of life is in the little details of everyday living.  Two, three, or four episodes of overreacting emotionally (excessive rage, threats, anger, etc.)  conditions the spouse or child to be in an hyper-vigilant state when the small things occur.  People start hiding things and covering up for fear of the reaction of the person with PTSD.  This creates major problems in the relationship and when the children grow older.  Issues that need to be addressed - potentially destructive behavioral patterns, truancy, emotional problems the child might be having - these things are kept hidden to keep the peace.  This constantly being on alert by the spouse, in this case Mary, and her children created the conditions for secondary PTSD to happen, and thus, the war got passed down to Mary and her children.

Throughout the interview, I couldn't help but think how beautiful and innocent Steven and Mary must have been when they first met, and how terrible war is and the casualties it inflicts, both on the battlefield and off.  

We ended the interview there.  Mary was kind enough to share with me her story of her experience with a vet.  I was very grateful she would open her life up to me.  She hopes her story will resonate with other spouses who might be experiencing similar circumstances to know that you are not alone, and to seek help, together with your spouse who suffers from primary PTSD if possible, in order to learn how to cope and heal the problem together.  The problem though with most vets with PTSD is they don't recognize they have a problem.  Until they recognize it, the best you can do is inform yourself about what PTSD and secondary PTSD is, and seek counseling for yourself and your children.

        

Monday, February 18, 2013

Granting Men Permission to Seek Help for PTSD

As I look back over the year of my greatest transformation, the key to my success in overcoming the paralyzing effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was my deepest desire to heal myself from the pain I was in.  For many years, I had lived a life of quiet desperation, too many failures and mistakes in my life had convinced me I was not worthy of the good things in life, too many unforgivable acts done on my part had placed me in the unenviable position of watching all those around me finding their dreams coming true, while I had to serve out the punishment for committing violations against myself and others.  I was my own critic, judge, and executioner.  I was dolling out the punishment I thought I deserved, and constantly living in the past, wondering what happened to the promising young man that graduated from the U.S. Air Force Academy.  This chronic depression, sadness, and self-loathing permeated all areas of my life and in my relationships, and even though I'd have brief moments where life was filled with love and joy, most of the time, it seemed the world had rejected me and I was just occupying space in the time that I lived.  I turned to drugs and alcohol to cope with the dis-ease I had about my life, a turn that only made matters worse, something that people who suffer from PTSD often do because they have no way to properly release all the pain that lives inside of them.  This only compounded the problem, and made it that much more difficult to climb out of the hole I'd dug myself into.

After experiencing the multitude of family traumas that plagued my family over the span of 6 years, the only refuge I had was in the arms of my ex.  She was my island of safety and security, and although we had issues, (and I certainly did my part to create problems within the relationship), the love I had for her was real and the only thing that gave me hope to escape from the endless cycle of pain surrounding my family was knowing I had her in my life.  Then, my parents got divorced after 40 years of marriage.  Right after that, my ex-fiance left me, in which I have already described in a previous post, and I was left alone, deserted by love, and my spirit was crushed.  The PTSD that resulted from this event was so severe, it brought me to the extremes of choosing between life and death.  I didn't want to live anymore.  I contemplated suicide.  I wanted it all to end.  Life was just too painful and I just wanted the pain to stop.

Men, we need to re-evaluate why we refuse to seek help when we hold on to so much pain inside of us it prevents us from living the lives we are meant to live and being the men we are capable of becoming.  We have been taught to believe that it is weak to let out your feelings, to show vulnerability, to acknowledge the suffering going on within.  Men who express their feelings are considered weak.  We are taught to keep it in, and just bear our guilt, our shame, or our fears inside of us.  Being strong, as we are taught, is not to show your vulnerability, not to acknowledge the pain you carry with you on the inside, and instead, we must pretend nothing affects us, or we compensate for our own suffering by projecting anger and hate on those around us, especially the ones who remind us of the pain they brought to us.  We are taught to keep it all in, show no emotion, as though we are impervious to the tragic events that occur in our lives.

I'm here to say to all of you men out there, this is hogwash.  It takes greater courage and strength to admit one has a problem than it does to deny it.  Those who deny it, deny their own shadow, and that shadow appears outside of us as projections we hate because it's something we hate in our own selves.  Men, I'm speaking about our own evolution.  I'm calling him the 'Millennial Man', one who has the strengths that has defined men for thousands of years, but also, the ability to acknowledge his own sensitivity and vulnerability in ways that are healthy, compassionate, and 'manly.'  We cannot evolve to the next stage on our journey as men through this life if we carry the burdens and pains of the past.  Like a weight, they hold us down, shackled to the rock, and prevent us from reaching new highs and fulfilling our life's purpose.

Let me re-frame it in another way.  If you have a piece of shrapnel in your body, and it's trying to come out, do you push it back down into your body because you don't want it to come out?  No, you let it come out, and even though it might really hurt as the body dislodges it, it might puss up and stink, it might ooze out this green mucus as it is ejected from the body, it might cause you an unbelievable amount of pain, but once it's out, the body actually has a chance to properly heal.  If the piece of shrapnel stayed in there, although it might appear all is well on the surface, on the inside the body is being slowly poisoned to death by this piece of metal that doesn't belong there.  Men, it is no different with emotional, psychological, or spiritual pain.  These are pieces of shrapnel that want to come out, that are poisoning your lives, and keeping you trapped in pain you do not have to live with the rest of your life.  Let me point out something else.  There are four areas of your life that make up a human being: the physical plane, the emotional plane, the mental plane, and the spiritual plane.  Three of these are unseen.  If any one of those areas is not healthy, it will be reflected in the world around us because the world we see is a consequence of the other three, not the other way around.  We must see, acknowledge, and heal the wounds on the inside for the world around us to change.

There is nothing uncool, or un-macho about seeking help.  In fact, it shows an incredible amount of honesty, self-love, and a recognition that one is human.  Human beings think and feel, we have emotions, and it is very cool to seek the help that will help you get better and be the man you truly are.  Do it for yourself, for your loved ones, for the people you care most about.

Men, you want to have the right leadership in your life.  Someone who understands you, who looks at you without judgment, who can see through your pain, who can help you to re-connect to who you truly are, who provides a space for you to release this poison inside of you, who will take out the shrapnel infecting your spirit, and help you heal the wound for good.  These things don't go away if we bury it.  Any pain that is not processed properly and is instead pushed down into the recesses of our minds, will come up in dysfunctional behavioral patterns that will affect the quality of our lives and the lives of our loved ones in a negative way.  We must get it out, and no matter how ugly or bad it may be, with the right leader, he or she can help you release it, and heal your mind and spirit.

Men, especially those coming home from the wars and are suffering from PTSD, find a life coach, a therapist, or a spiritual counselor to work with to help you out of the hells you are in.  Make the decision you want to get better, that you deserve to live free and happy, and that you will do whatever it takes to make yourself healthy again.  Check out the options available to you in your area.  Get input from other sources.  See what people are offering to help you with your problem.  Find the best one for you who you resonate with and feel comfortable discussing your pain.  Look for someone who specializes in PTSD.  You wouldn't go to a family therapist for an alcohol problem, or to a lawyer if you had a toothache.  You want to go to someone who understands your issue, knows what it is, and has dedicated his or her life to helping people with PTSD.

Guys, my experience with PTSD was both chronic and extreme, I've lived with some form of PTSD for a long time, and when my world collapsed 14 months ago, suicide, by choice or by accident, seemed like the only way to go.  No one on the outside, my family or friends, could fathom the depth of my pain, or even notice I was in that much pain.  Again, it was that 'male thing' about not showing emotion and trying to keep it all in.  But I was in crisis on the inside, major life threatening crisis.  I chose to get help.  And gentlemen, it was the best decision I have ever made.

Let me put it in perspective.  Before I got help, I lived a life of quiet desperation, chronically sad and depressed all the time.  I felt a failure in life, plagued by the "unforgivable acts" I'd done in my past, haunted by them regularly, constantly wondering "what if" and "why" did I do this or that.  And when the crisis of my life hit, I experienced PTSD in its most severe form for months and months without end: I had re-experiencing symptoms of flashbacks (reliving the event over and over again when I walked into the apartment), nightmares, and frightening thoughts every day all throughout the day!  I had avoidance symptoms: I stayed in the tomb that was my apartment and avoided contact with others unless I absolutely had to go somewhere; I was emotionally numb; I had strong feelings of guilt, depression, and worry; I lost interest in most of my activities I found enjoyable in the past like acting, hiking, and spending time with friends.  I had hyper-arousal symptoms: I was easily startled at work; I felt very tense and on edge; I had difficulty falling asleep at night because of the thoughts infecting my mind; and I was on the verge of having angry outbursts in public because of the inordinate amount of rage I had on the inside.  And in my darkest moments, I wanted to commit suicide.

That was a year ago.  Now, my life is vibrating!  My internal story has changed from I suck, I'm a failure, I'm a loser, I'm unlovable, I'm a sinner deserving punishment, to I rock, I'm here, I have a purpose, I deserve to have love in my life, and I am forgiven.  And why am I forgiven?  Because the person who I found help with showed me pure unconditional love as I brought up the pain in my past, and reminded me that despite those events that occurred, I was still the beautiful person that came into this world innocent and free.  She allowed me to bring up all that poison infecting my soul, and wash it away, cleansed of the guilt and shame attached to it, brought me back to myself, with love, and helped me to heal the pain of the past - all of it.  Now, I am the man who I came here to be - strong, compassionate, loving, and wise.  I look forward to every day that I'm alive!  I see and experience the wonder of my own existence.  I see the world now with fresh eyes, I'm more engaged with people, I see them and listen to them with my whole being, and I'm desiring to have more experiences that give me that exquisite taste of joy in just being alive.  Two weeks ago, I spent a glorious time in Nosara, Costa Rica on a yoga retreat, in which the final residual layers of the past sloughed off me like a snake shedding his skin, and a whole, new world unveiled itself before me.  A year ago I wanted to die; now, I want to live, and live an extraordinary life!

How did I do that?  How did I go from one extreme to the other, from wanting it all to end, to now, loving every moment that I breathe?  By seeking help for the problem that I faced, and in my case, it was PTSD.  This is the area I am now an expert in.  I understand it inside and out, and offer to help any who come my way wanting to break free from the trauma that imprisons them.  What I did for myself is what I offer you.  It works!  I stand by this program with every cell of my being, I'm willing to die for it, because I know what it has given me.  I'm a few steps ahead, and I know I can help.  This is my business, and my business is to help people recover from PTSD, particularly:


  • PTSD resulting from emotionally abusive relationships
  • PTSD resulting from the military
  • PTSD resulting from intense family dramas
  • Secondary PTSD for those living with someone who has PTSD
  • I also help actors discover who they truly are so that they can bring this into their work
This is what I have to give, and it is mine to give at the deepest level.  If it resonates with you, contact me, if not, find someone who does.  As long as you get yourselves healthy, I don't care if it's with me, or with someone else, as long as you make the decision to do it.  I want you to have what I now have.  There is no greater gift you could give yourself than to free yourself from the chains that bind you to the painful memories of the past that keep you from being who you are capable of being.  Men, we are only as sick as the secrets we keep.  Give yourselves permission to be vulnerable, to let that piece of shrapnel come out, so that it doesn't infect the rest of your life.  We pass these things down into our future generations if we don't clear it up now.  If not for yourself, do it for them.  They will be forever grateful for it.

                

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Freedom and Joy in Costa Rica

Pura Vida.  This is what Costa Ricans say on a daily basis.  It means 'pure life.'  And until this past week, it had very little meaning for me besides thinking it was a cool phrase.  I found it interesting that a whole country could sum up the embodiment of their experience of life in these two little words.  Can you imagine Americans or any other country for that matter responding to each other after a greeting with 'pure life'?  I certainly couldn't, and without a context and experience of what the Costa Ricans are talking about, they were just words.  Well, they are no longer just words for me.

My yoga teacher and friend, Andrea Marcum Pietrangelo, conducts these retreats to Nosara, Costa Rica once a year, and she pushed me to make this happen, especially in light of the PTSD I suffered from last year.  She and I both felt it would be the perfect gift to myself for overcoming and pulling through my challenges, and she assured me it would be something that would change my life forever.  She was right.
She's the best yoga instructor in the world.  Ok, I'm being biased, but she is wonderful, and I think all of us who practice with her at her studio in LA would agree.  And her retreat is worth every cent spent.

There were 11 of us on the retreat.  Most came from LA, with the exception of two; Sonja came from Boston, and Matt traveled down from Canada.  Most of us barely knew each other, aside from the occasional 'hi' we'd say before or after class at the studio.  Our connection to each other was the love we have for the practice of yoga, and the desire to live out extraordinary lives.  We all, I think, want to breathe in the fullness of life, and go after the experiences that make our lives fulfilling and full of joy.  Adventure traveling to exotic places has the potential to be life changing experiences, especially when you're with a group of like-minded people.  We came together not knowing what to expect, with people we hardly knew, and in an environment quite foreign to us.  And yet, there is an energy in Nosara so special, so uplifting, so life-affirming, it could not help but create the conditions for beautiful friendships to form between people experiencing something unique together unlike anything they could possibly have imagined.

We stayed in the beautiful resort of Tierra Magnifica, situated on the top of a mountainside overlooking the sloping jungle canopy below which was intercepted by the breathtaking bay and rocky isthmus jutting out into the pacific ocean.  Words fail to accurately describe the ineffable beauty of this landscape.  It is so immensely beautiful, calming, soothing, and expansive, one could stare at it for hours, days, weeks, and never get tired of it.  This place is a taste of paradise.  The trees around the resort are magnificent, and howler monkeys constantly move from tree to tree all around it. It was like watching a National Geographic show except it wasn't on television, this was all happening right before us, in the moment, all the time.  I couldn't help but feel connected to an ancient nature long forgotten in our civilized worlds.  

The moment I arrived there and saw the panorama before me, I had an immediate explosion of consciousness.  It was like the world that I had created, this tiny box that I had relegated myself to all these many years, suddenly had the roof blown off of it, the walls crumbled into dust, and this whole new world appeared before me, huge, limitless, ever expanding.  My soul stretched out to the edges of the sky, and the air I breathed in was fresh air, invigorating every part of my being, and I wondered what have I been doing all this time to keep me from experiencing this sense of freedom and aliveness?  As I stood and faced this awe-inspiring glory, I noticed how all my problems simply vanished, disappeared, they did not exist.  What did exist was this exquisite taste of simply being alive and the joy that comes with it.  I couldn't help but smile and my smile did not fade the entire trip.

Our day consisted of waking up early, having some fruit and yogurt to start the day, yoga at 8:30 am for two hours, followed by brunch, then lounging by the pool, afternoon activities, dinner, and stargazing.  My whole relationship to time dissolved when I was out there as the days seemed so long and our days were so filled up.  Our first day we went zip lining through the jungle.  13 lines we zipped on!  As we zipped along the lines, the jungle stretched out below, in some places 200 feet or more below us.  This one time, I rode tandem with one of the operators who suggested I ride upside-down without my hands holding on to anything.  I followed his advice, and watched as the blue sky above me whisked by.  It was so exhilarating!   I felt so alive!  All the problems of my past sloughed off my back and into the trees as I flew down the line leaving everything behind.  Suddenly, I began to understand what 'pura vida' meant.

In the middle of the week, four of us decided to try our luck at deep sea fishing.  Tina Kalayjian, Dominic Pietrangelo, Matt Piatek, and I boarded a small fishing boat called "Cowboy".  The two young men who operated the vessel guided us out into the vast, endless blue with 5 different lines trolling in the water behind us.  Our excursion was a huge success, reeling in three large Dorado fish (also known as Mahi-Mahi) which came out to over 100 lbs of fish!  (We had enough fish to feed all of us and the staff who worked at the resort for 3 days!)  Dominic caught the largest of the three, a beautiful 40 pounder, while Matt and I had the pleasure of fighting our two fish at the same time.  At least twice Matt and I had to switch sides in the boat as our fish were crossing over each other, and so one of us would have to duck under the other's pole in order to keep our lines from crossing.  Pulling in a large sport-fish from the ocean is a pretty exhilarating experience!  Afterwards, basking in our success, all four of us jumped into the ocean, and swam in the deep blue.  The water was so warm, like entering a warm bathtub, and for a moment, I floated up on top of the water, letting myself be lifted up by the might of that powerful ocean, and gazed at the sky above me.  I felt so alive, connected, and happy.  The freedom and joy I felt in that moment is indescribable.  This, I thought to myself, is 'pura vida.'

On another day, we went paddle boarding through a mangrove forest.  Once we had learned to balance ourselves on the board and paddle ourselves around on them, we slowly, gently, languidly moved through the rivers encompassed on both sides by these magnificent trees.  Since it is the dry season now in Costa Rica, their characteristic aerial roots were evident everywhere we looked.  Mangrove trees look as if they grow on stilts, which hold the trunk and leaves above the waterline.  Mangroves live on the edge, where rain forests meet oceans, and they help protect the coastline and prevent erosion by collecting sediment from the rivers and streams and slowing down the flow of water.  There is an abundance of wildlife in these forests, all of which support and maintain the delicate ecosystem so vital to the area.  This area of Costa Rica is a designated conservation area, it is the habitat of so many different species of animals and the nesting grounds for many shore birds and sea turtles.  So, here we were, cruising along these rivers, paddling around branches, through the aerial roots of the trees, and navigating our way to the far end of the river.  We stopped there, got off of our paddle boards, walked over a small patch of land, and found ourselves on this secluded black sandy beach right before sunset.  This is where the turtles nest during the rainy season, and since it is a designated conservation area, no development is permitted.  It was beautiful.  Most of us ran out into the ocean and swam for a while, some rested, and all of us ate some watermelon brought with us by our inestimable guides.  Tina labeled this day as 'the best day ever,' and it's hard to argue with her on that one.  Again, I came to understand a little deeper the meaning of 'pura vida.'

The second to last day of the trip, we had a beach barbecue and bonfire party.  The incredible staff at the Tierra Magnifica prepared and organized this activity for all of us.  Besides setting everything up including a volleyball net before we arrived, they cooked shish-kebabs on the grill, set up a huge bonfire for the evening, and even had marshmallows ready to roast in the hot coals of the pit fire when it was dark.  Again we swam in the ocean, took incredible pictures of everyone with the sun slowly setting down in the horizon, and drank in with all of our senses the immense beauty that surrounded us.  As night fell, the bonfire was lit, and this towering pyramid of flame torched the dense black night with its glowing red and orange light, our eyes were transfixed on this wonder of life, fire, and many of us sat or stood nearby and quietly watched it burn.  There is something very powerful about watching fire, I think it connects us unconsciously to the fire that burns within each of us, it's a physical reminder of that which is within, the flame in our hearts that gives us our lives.

That night, when we returned to our resort, a few of us stayed outside and stargazed.  The night sky in Nosara is amazing, beyond belief, an ocean of stars so luminous one could stare at them for hours.  Grace had an application on her phone which showed where all the constellations were above us, and this application had this really cool music to go along with it.  She handed it to me while it was playing, and as I viewed it in relation to where the constellations were in the night sky, I lost myself completely in it, moving the phone all over the place, including the ground which showed where other constellations were on the other side of the globe, and those who saw me laughed because I was completely oblivious to the people around me.  I laughed with them when I suddenly recognized what I was doing, but the experience of getting lost like that is remarkable.  With or without that application, particularly without it, I had this sense of being connected to it all.  Most times, I think, people feel so small when they look up and see the stars, but not this time, nor anytime, when I stood out on the patio and looked at the heavens above.  This time, this trip, while gazing up, I felt such an expansion of my soul and mind that it felt like I could touch the stars with my hands, that I was stretched out to the very ends of the universe and everything was apart of me and I was apart of it.  I had this strange feeling that while I was looking up at the stars, the stars were looking down at me.  I closed my eyes and felt as if all of nature - the night sky, the trees around me, the sounds of the birds, insects, howler monkeys, everything around me had permeated my skin, it was me and I was it.  I felt such immense joy in those moments and wanted to hold onto that feeling forever.  I can still see it and feel it as I right these words to you now.  A sense of oneness to all that is and connected to it all is the best way I can describe it.  It was wonderful.

The final day of our trip, I stayed at the resort while most of the group headed to the beach.  I sat in one of the chairs soaking in every moment of the breathtaking, enchanting, healing beauty that enveloped me.  I read Rumi, did some writing, and contemplated about life, love, and what my life had been like up and until this monumental trip.  My musings led me to discover some new insights, one of which was that nothing I had done up and until this retreat had ever given me what this week gave me.  I'd been living a life of quiet desperation, struggling against the current of problems and issues we all face, and wondering if it was ever possible to break free from the weight of the world.  The flashes of joy I would feel and experience in the quiet desperation of my life were brief and fleeting, I'd live my life for those brief moments of joy, and the rest of the time, it was just a struggle, trying to make sense of it all.  Yet, a new experience unfolded before me at Tierra Magnifica, something I had not previously felt.  Almost every single moment I was there was filled with joy.  I couldn't stop smiling.  Moment by moment, I embodied joy.  My life was a living expression of the joy and freedom we all crave, the sense of belonging to something bigger than ourselves, and the peace that comes along with it.  The world, miraculously, didn't seem so bad after all.

As nightfall came, the other members of the group returned from their day at the beach, and we celebrated our last evening with pina coladas made by our resident yogi mixologist Louis Anderman.  We sat at the long wooden table together for one last meal, a beautiful, balmy evening filled with laughter, music, and friendship.  The next morning, a whole family of howler monkeys came to say goodbye, and we watched them as they moved from tree branch to tree branch as they made their way through the jungle.  We said our goodbyes, returning to the world from which we came, but forever changed by the power, majesty and ineffable beauty of Nosara, Costa Rica.

A quick shout out to everyone who made this trip the gift that it was: Louis Anderman, Julie Lee, Kiki Elrod, Jason Richardson, Matt Piatek, Sonia Del Sonno, Grace Jehan, Tina Kalayjian, Dominic Pietrangelo, and of course Andrea Marcum Pietrangelo (without you, of course, none of us would have been there), thank you for making it such a memorable, unforgettable trip.  My life will never be the same as a result.  I'm so glad to include all of you in my inner circle of friends.  And to my friends in Costa Rica:  Erika Brandt, Paco Bertsch, Kattia, Louis, all the staff at Tierra Magnifica, and Erika Ayala, thank you for your hospitality, kindness, and the richness you added to my life.  I understand now what you mean when you say, 'Pura Vida.'

While I was soaking in the sun paddle boarding down the river, feeling the warm breeze on my skin, hearing the sounds of the birds in the Mangrove trees, watching my friends floating on the water in front of me, a thought occurred to me.  'If you're not doing what you love, than what are you doing?'  Perhaps when we start making choices based upon the things that truly bring us joy, our lives will feel more free and joyful, and eventually, over time, all that we do will be an expression and extension of those choices and experiences which brought us bliss.  Rumi says, "Let yourself be drawn by the stronger pull of that which you truly love."  I think he's right.  Each one of us must discover what it is we truly love, what it is we want to experience, and then, be drawn by it.  And once we finally get there, and we will get there, we can all say with truth and conviction in our hearts, 'Pura Vida.'


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www.tierramagnifica.com