I have been acting now for over 10 years. I started off at the Stella Adler Academy of Acting here in Los Angeles right after my military service was completed and did their two year comprehensive program to established the foundation for becoming a professional actor. Classes focused on developing the nascent creative nature in aspiring young actors through the taking of various classes including voice and speech, movement, technique, improvisation, dance, script analysis, Shakespeare, stage combat, fencing, audition skills, Chekhov, scene study, theater into film, and Alexander Technique. All these classes sought to develop the full range of an actor to be able to utilize his instrument when performing, and his instrument is his body, his voice, and his soul. Stella Adler's technique centers on the use of the imagination in the given circumstances of the play (or script). The actor is taught how to use his imagination to create the world of his character and understand the world he lives in. Perhaps one of the most enjoyable aspects of being an actor is the process of creating a character, in finding their mannerisms and behaviors, the way they move, how they speak, and what moves them to do what it is they do. The goal of every actor is to serve the play or script, as one of my favorite teachers put it "the play is the thing", and if what you are doing doesn't serve the play, then you've not fulfilled the responsibility of the actor, which is to communicate the story truthfully to the audience. So, how does an actor go about creating a character?
Recently I was working on a character in scene study, (it's always important to keep attending class to keep doing the work and getting better at one's craft), and the scene I worked on was from the Tony Kushner play, "Angels in America". I was challenged to play the role of Roy Cohn, made famous by the HBO special which starred Al Pacino as Roy, who was based on a real life person, Roy M. Cohn, a successful New York lawyer who, during the McCarthy Hearings of the 1950's had illegal conferences with the judge of the Ethel Rosenberg trial, which consequently, led to the conviction and execution of Ethel Rosenberg. His influence in politics was substantial, he was not very well liked because of his overbearing attitude and demeanor, but his greatest claim to fame which made him infamous, was his virulent antipathy for the gay community. Roy, in fact, was gay. This overt hatred and discrimination towards his own community makes Roy one of the most complex and odious characters to portray in the modern theatre. He is a monster, one who denies who he is, who hates this part of himself with such rage that he projects his hatred out onto those he sees as like himself and wants to punish and destroy them. When he contracts AIDS, he denies this to everyone, and says he has "liver cancer." The scene I performed is in Part Two of Angels in America, titled Perestroika. Roy is dying in the hospital, all alone, with no one there to be there with him in his last days except for a former drag queen named Belize who is also a registered nurse. Belize finds Roy reprehensible and disgusting, and yet, he finds love and compassion for a man who he can't stand, and Roy, who even in his unendurable pain viciously attacks and provokes Belize with derogatory gay slurs and insults, desperately needs for someone to be around, the fear of being alone and his impending death consume his every thought.
The joy of acting is in the process of discovery. Where to begin? As Stella Adler used to say, "The truth of your art is in the truth of your circumstances." I like to begin by finding the physical life of the character, and I do this by delving into the place. Where does my character live? What does he do for a profession? How does he walk? How does he talk? For Roy, it made it easy in the fact he was based on a real person, so I could look at his life through the historical lens and build the character from that. I learned about his history, how he became a lawyer, his involvement in the Rosenburg trials, his lascivious lifestyle behind the facade of being a respectable citizen (Roy used to have gay sex orgies in planes that would fly back and forth across the country), and I watched him on tape to get a sense of his mannerisms and speech patterns. I'd imitate the best I could until I got a sense of how he used his voice and speech, and then, with all this information, I'd let my imagination create the life of Roy in my mind. I'd imagine all these episodes in his life and put myself in his shoes and live my characters' life. This was how I was able to get inside this man, who he was and what made him tick. Every character is different, and many times, you don't have the luxury of an actual person whom you can look up to base your interpretation on, so it's imperative to be creative in this initial stage. Often you have to build the character from the ground up, and all you have to work with is what the playwright wrote in the play, and so your imagination needs to create this world. If your character lives in 18th Century England, you have to understand the times he or she lived in - you have to know their profession, politics, religion, their relationships, the social and economic currents of the period, class and upbringing, intelligence of the person -is this person educated or does he have little or no education?-, their clothes, the passion and history of the people; the music, art, and architecture of the period; all this and more, is the work done by the actor to understand and begin to penetrate to the heart of his character. For me, music is a powerful way to connect to my character because it grounds me in their world and excites my imagination. The music of a period says a lot about the people who lived in those times and thus, I'm better able to imagine their world when I listen to their music, and place myself there in the given circumstances of the play.
Next, I like to do what my dear professor Eugene Lazarev schooled me to do, and that is called active analysis. With all the information above, now its time to act out the scene or related scenes using my own words. This type of improvisation allows for the freedom to create and live in the space as my character without being restricted by the words. Words, by the way, should always be the last thing to layer on. You want to understand what is the conflict, what is the play trying to communicate, and by actively doing it without limitation brings forth your own creative nature to the forefront. There is an understanding that comes as a result which you do not have if you go directly to the words. All the senses are involved, you're not just waiting for the other person's line, and thus, you fully connect to the scene in a way that opens you up to unexplored ways of bringing life to your character. Your whole self is fully involved, and true connection happens during these improvisations, which pays dividends when you finally do get to the lines. For whatever reason, the words the character speaks become your own and find expression in deeply profound and subtle ways. It's one of the mysteries and joys of acting when you create this true connection on stage and breathe life into the life of your character. The greatest acting is done when it doesn't look like acting.
The other thing I like to do when creating a character is identify what is my character's diagnosis. This is a psychological as well as an emotional interpretation of what motivates my character. I like to keep it simple. Something that I mentally and emotionally connect to which animates my every move and thought as the character. For instance, if my character seems to drain the energy of the people around him, I might diagnosis him as a vampire who sucks the life out of everyone. My acting will be influenced by this understanding and how I relate to the other actors on stage. Or he might be a gay homophobic person who despises gay people, like Roy Cohn, and this understanding will inspire my acting in a different way. Or my character might be so afraid to love, he pushes away love whenever it comes close, so as never to face his fear. I could go on, but I think you get the general idea. It's another way to connect to your character and find your way to his heart.
One of the hardest things to do, and perhaps the most important, is an actor must set aside all judgement against his character and his flaws. The moment you judge your character as being 'bad' or 'disgusting' or 'evil', you've lost the ability to connect and bring him to life. In order to truly understand people, one must be able to look at them without judgement, and see the world through their eyes. If I'm playing a murderer, or a guy like Roy Cohn, I can't hate him, if I do, I can't play him. I have to find something to love about my character, maybe it's the deep pain he feels inside, maybe he feels he can't be who he wants to be because society or his parents looked down upon it, maybe he was abused, whatever it is, I have to find a way to meaningfully connect with the soul of my character and love him, love the part that is wounded or damaged. It's about finding the humanity in all of us, even the most wretched and cruel among us, and allowing this to infuse my work with a sense of deep compassion for the whole of humankind. This is the spiritual work of acting, to bring these large universal truths into the particular life of an individual, and through the course of a great play, communicate the universal from the lives of the particular. When you understand the lives of your characters on deep levels like this, you can't help but change and see the world much differently. All things have a soul. It's my job as an actor to navigate and find the soul of my character and bring this into my work.
The last major and important step is to connect to the theme. This is the main idea, what drives the play, what it is the writer intended to communicate. Once I understand the theme, I hold on to it, and never let it go. Is this story about revenge? The consequences of uncontrollable rage? The destructive power of unrestrained carnal love? The finding of love when all seems lost? The discovery of the power of love to heal? These are just a few examples of what the theme of the play or script might be, and when clearly understood by the actor, it elevates their performance to a whole new level. One of the major theme of Angels in America was the devastating effect AIDS had upon the gay community during the 1980's. No one was immune to the disease, not even a guy like Roy Cohn. Understanding what a person suffering from AIDS goes through, the insufferable pain, the weakness, the wasting away, the hopelessness of it all at that time, gives the actor a chord, a rope, to hold onto throughout the entire performance. With the theme in mind, the play is served.
Acting is a beautiful art form. Great actors are like sculptors of marble except their material is of the spiritual dimension, they are sculptors of the soul. One just has to look at the work of Daniel Day-Lewis, Gary Oldman, or Meryl Streep to see the power, brilliance, and sheer magnificence of the the great sculptors of this art form. Their characters are works of art, on equal footing with the masters of other art forms, and our culture has been enriched by their performances and contributions. All of the great ones have a process similar to the one I described above that is uniquely theirs. Creating a character is the thing we all crave as an actor. We lose our self by becoming this character, and in the process, we discover something new about ourselves. Whenever you live in someone else's shoes, you can't help but explode your own consciousness, your awareness of the world expands, and your capacity to simply love and have compassion for all people grows exponentially. Acting, as do all the art forms, has the capacity to remind us that we are much more connected and on a deeper level than the world of appearances would have us believe.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Investigating our Uninvestigated Thoughts - The Work of Byron Katie
When I came across Byron Katie's book Loving What Is: Four Questions that can Change your Life, I thought to myself, how can only four questions have any impact on the way I think. The way I think is the way I think, and my thoughts are the accumulation of years of programming through the teachings, readings, lectures, movies, television programs, political discussions, speeches, and conversations in various forms and in various settings I've had through the course of a lifetime. My experiences have shaped the way I think and the way I view the world, and often times my thoughts are formulated as a consequence of those particular experiences. Strongly held beliefs become ingrained in us from very early on by the first people we come into contact with, our parents, who help to shape the world we live in and how we relate to the world. Besides our parents, we are influenced by our teachers; relatives; coaches; religious traditions and practices; priests, pastors, or rabbis; our ethnic heritage; the society we were born into; our class; our environment; all these give shape and form to our thoughts and beliefs. We take on these thoughts and beliefs and hold them dear, without ever question why do I believe this, or where did this belief originate. These thoughts over time can imprison us, because as time passes, we change, and what was once true for us no longer seems to be true, or only true in a certain context. Also, with the passing of time, we develop our stories created from our life experiences, and among these varied experiences, we are both the perpetrators and the victims of injury, and those that have injured us, whether it be on a physical, emotional, psychological, and/or spiritual form, leave us scarred and trapped within the story that occurred. It's amazing to me how an event will happen, and although the event is now long past and no longer is in existence, the story of what happened recurs in our minds relentlessly, as if it were happening right now. We get to re-live the pain over and over again in our minds, and our lives get stuck in a hole which we never seem to get out of, and in fact, we dig in deeper because of our thoughts about it. People can hold grudges for a lifetime, for an injury that happened decades ago, and refuse to let go of the pain because they won't allow themselves the opportunity to look at an event in a different way. When these thoughts remain unquestioned, we stay stuck in the past, hold grievances against those who have harmed us in some way, and our lives lose some of the joy and happiness it once had. We look to the past to find comfort and reminisce about times that were good and how much better they were than now, and this brings us pain. What if there was a way to free ourselves from the prison house of our minds and allow us to let go of the thoughts that keep us from being who we really are? In reading Byron Katie's book, and putting it into practice, I sincerely believe there is a way out of our destructive and debilitating thought patterns, and thus, offering us a method of inquiry to return to the joy of life just waiting for us to see it and grasp it.
Thoughts are very powerful. They shape the way we see ourselves, others, and the world. Our thoughts strung together create our story, and this story gives us our identity. Without our story, who would we be? This is what Byron Katie's work is all about. Investigating our thoughts in order to let them let go of us. We all seek for freedom, and the freedom from the thoughts that hold us down would allow us to use this released energy to create the lives we want to live. But we have to do The Work. Briefly, The Work is as follows: You want to write down your judgments about a stressful situation past, present, or future - about a person who troubles you, about a situation that causes you severe distress, someone who angers you, frightens you, saddens you. This is called judge your neighbor (or if its a situation, judge your situation) and you write down your judgments exactly as you think them. "My husband left me" "My wife didn't appreciate me." "My ex-fiance abandoned me." "My friend lied to me." "My sons don't respect me." "My co-workers hate me." These are just some examples. Be as judgmental as you possibly can, be petty, and then put each question up to inquiry which are these four questions: 1. Is it true? 2. Can you absolutely know that this is true? 3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? 4. Who would you be without that thought? and then, when you've done the four questions, Turn it around, and find three genuine examples of how the turn around is true in your life. Why would you want to do this? By doing the work you will see who you are by the way you see other people. What eventually happens is that you come to understand that everything you see is a reflection of your own thinking. We are the projector of the world we see. The world is our projection. Once we see what we are projecting by the thoughts we are thinking, we can change the story by changing our thoughts. And The Work helps us to do that. As Dr. Wayne Dyer said, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." Byron Katie's groundbreaking work enables us to see the world as it truly is in reality, without our stories and tortured thoughts, and as a happy consequence, we come to know our beautiful selves.
I thought it would be useful for me to run through one of my examples to show the brilliance and efficacy of this process. I've added some things in the inquiry to deepen my understanding of the thoughts infecting me, which I pulled from Byron Katie's book. Also, I am generalizing the inquiry so that it could be for anyone. I'm including all the insights I discovered through this process which helped to free me from this thought. Please go through this with someone in mind who you feel should do the same thing. There is much to be gained by personalizing it with someone who hurt you, or might have hurt you, so emotionally investing in it is highly suggested. It's the only way we can come to understand ourselves and make peace with our past.
Here's the example: I want (insert name of the person who has caused you pain) to own up to his/her mistakes and apologize to me. Now we put this statement up to inquiry, the four questions, and the turn around.
1. Is it true? Yes
What's the reality? Sometimes this person will deflect or avoid claiming his/her part in whatever might have gone wrong. Specifically, the part he/she played in the event which caused me pain.
How do I know he/she should do this? Because that's what he/she does. He/she deflects, spreads the blame, plays the pity party game (poor-me drama), and refuses to see how his/her actions affected me. He/she just won't see his/her part, and fights tooth and nail to hold on to the position he/she maintains is the truth. He/she has an answer for every point that contradicts his/her point of view and he/she does everything possible to smash and debunk that reality. He/she cannot face the truth, it's too painful. That's the reality. That's what's true.
Whose business is it? Mine or His/Hers? His/Hers. It's not my business whether he/she owns up to his/her mistakes and apologizes or not. He/she is the author of his/her life. I am the author of mine. It's my business to own up to my mistakes and apologize for them.
2. Can I absolutely know that this is true? No
He or she may not be able to do so, and who knows, he or she could be right on some of the issues. Maybe forcing him or her to do something against his/her will would hurt him/her, maybe it would be too much for him/her to deal with right now. That's usually why people don't apologize, it's just too painful to face what they've done. He/she is not ready yet. And, also, only hurt people can hurt, so he/she must have a lot of pain inside of them which has nothing to do with me.
3. How do I react when I believe the thought?
It makes me sad and depressed that he/she can't admit his/her actions caused or brought me pain. I get angry when he/she can't see it or refuses to see it. I close off and shut him/her out. I argue and fight with him/her to show the falsity and error of his/her position. I get caught up in the mire of the details of what happened and I become exasperated by the constant barriers he/she puts up against the truth. It makes me angry when people are not honest and truthful and own up to their mistakes -it's as if they do nothing wrong, and it's all my fault or someone else's fault. It drives me crazy!
Can I see a reason to drop the thought (and please don't try to drop it.)? Yes. All the reason above and the stress it causes me.
Can I find one stress-free reason to keep the thought? No.
4. Who would I be without the thought?
I wouldn't have a past that I thought needed an apology for. Without this thought, I could be free from the weight of wanting something from that person that I may never get. I wouldn't be holding this person to their past mistakes, and I would allow him or her to be who they are in my presence without the need to guilt or shame them for the past wrongs done to me. I would be able to love him/her freely, exactly as he/she is in this moment without any expectations. I'd be free of the pain of having been hurt by this person. I would be free to be me, and I would allow him/her to be who they are in my presence and see the beauty that is there.
Turn around: There are three ways to turn it around: to yourself, to the other, and to the opposite.
1. I want me to own up to my mistakes and apologize to me.
2. I want me to own up to my mistakes and apologize to (insert the name of the person).
3. I don't want (insert name) to own up to his/her mistakes and apologize to me.
At this point, you find three genuine, specific examples of how the turnaround is true in your life for all three ways. When you do this, the insights you discover are subtle, profound, and humbling. Some maybe truer and feel more appropriate than others. Find the one that is most true to you. It's not about feeling bad or blaming someone or feeling guilty. The goal is to find alternatives that can bring you inner peace, and this all starts and ends in our own minds. Finding inner peace is truly liberating, and doing The Work can help us to get there. Also, one of the rewards for doing this self-inquiry is we have a better understanding about how our own mind works.
If you found this example instructive and worthwhile, I highly suggest you buy Byron Katie's book, Loving What Is, and then start doing The Work on your own with your own thoughts. She is a master teacher in showing us how we can escape the suffering in our minds. Her book, and her work is changing the lives of thousands and thousands of people, it is a trans-formative practice, one that can unlock the prison house door holding us prisoner to all of our painful thoughts and memories, and set us free to be who we truly are.
Thoughts are very powerful. They shape the way we see ourselves, others, and the world. Our thoughts strung together create our story, and this story gives us our identity. Without our story, who would we be? This is what Byron Katie's work is all about. Investigating our thoughts in order to let them let go of us. We all seek for freedom, and the freedom from the thoughts that hold us down would allow us to use this released energy to create the lives we want to live. But we have to do The Work. Briefly, The Work is as follows: You want to write down your judgments about a stressful situation past, present, or future - about a person who troubles you, about a situation that causes you severe distress, someone who angers you, frightens you, saddens you. This is called judge your neighbor (or if its a situation, judge your situation) and you write down your judgments exactly as you think them. "My husband left me" "My wife didn't appreciate me." "My ex-fiance abandoned me." "My friend lied to me." "My sons don't respect me." "My co-workers hate me." These are just some examples. Be as judgmental as you possibly can, be petty, and then put each question up to inquiry which are these four questions: 1. Is it true? 2. Can you absolutely know that this is true? 3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? 4. Who would you be without that thought? and then, when you've done the four questions, Turn it around, and find three genuine examples of how the turn around is true in your life. Why would you want to do this? By doing the work you will see who you are by the way you see other people. What eventually happens is that you come to understand that everything you see is a reflection of your own thinking. We are the projector of the world we see. The world is our projection. Once we see what we are projecting by the thoughts we are thinking, we can change the story by changing our thoughts. And The Work helps us to do that. As Dr. Wayne Dyer said, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." Byron Katie's groundbreaking work enables us to see the world as it truly is in reality, without our stories and tortured thoughts, and as a happy consequence, we come to know our beautiful selves.
I thought it would be useful for me to run through one of my examples to show the brilliance and efficacy of this process. I've added some things in the inquiry to deepen my understanding of the thoughts infecting me, which I pulled from Byron Katie's book. Also, I am generalizing the inquiry so that it could be for anyone. I'm including all the insights I discovered through this process which helped to free me from this thought. Please go through this with someone in mind who you feel should do the same thing. There is much to be gained by personalizing it with someone who hurt you, or might have hurt you, so emotionally investing in it is highly suggested. It's the only way we can come to understand ourselves and make peace with our past.
Here's the example: I want (insert name of the person who has caused you pain) to own up to his/her mistakes and apologize to me. Now we put this statement up to inquiry, the four questions, and the turn around.
1. Is it true? Yes
What's the reality? Sometimes this person will deflect or avoid claiming his/her part in whatever might have gone wrong. Specifically, the part he/she played in the event which caused me pain.
How do I know he/she should do this? Because that's what he/she does. He/she deflects, spreads the blame, plays the pity party game (poor-me drama), and refuses to see how his/her actions affected me. He/she just won't see his/her part, and fights tooth and nail to hold on to the position he/she maintains is the truth. He/she has an answer for every point that contradicts his/her point of view and he/she does everything possible to smash and debunk that reality. He/she cannot face the truth, it's too painful. That's the reality. That's what's true.
Whose business is it? Mine or His/Hers? His/Hers. It's not my business whether he/she owns up to his/her mistakes and apologizes or not. He/she is the author of his/her life. I am the author of mine. It's my business to own up to my mistakes and apologize for them.
2. Can I absolutely know that this is true? No
He or she may not be able to do so, and who knows, he or she could be right on some of the issues. Maybe forcing him or her to do something against his/her will would hurt him/her, maybe it would be too much for him/her to deal with right now. That's usually why people don't apologize, it's just too painful to face what they've done. He/she is not ready yet. And, also, only hurt people can hurt, so he/she must have a lot of pain inside of them which has nothing to do with me.
3. How do I react when I believe the thought?
It makes me sad and depressed that he/she can't admit his/her actions caused or brought me pain. I get angry when he/she can't see it or refuses to see it. I close off and shut him/her out. I argue and fight with him/her to show the falsity and error of his/her position. I get caught up in the mire of the details of what happened and I become exasperated by the constant barriers he/she puts up against the truth. It makes me angry when people are not honest and truthful and own up to their mistakes -it's as if they do nothing wrong, and it's all my fault or someone else's fault. It drives me crazy!
Can I see a reason to drop the thought (and please don't try to drop it.)? Yes. All the reason above and the stress it causes me.
Can I find one stress-free reason to keep the thought? No.
4. Who would I be without the thought?
I wouldn't have a past that I thought needed an apology for. Without this thought, I could be free from the weight of wanting something from that person that I may never get. I wouldn't be holding this person to their past mistakes, and I would allow him or her to be who they are in my presence without the need to guilt or shame them for the past wrongs done to me. I would be able to love him/her freely, exactly as he/she is in this moment without any expectations. I'd be free of the pain of having been hurt by this person. I would be free to be me, and I would allow him/her to be who they are in my presence and see the beauty that is there.
Turn around: There are three ways to turn it around: to yourself, to the other, and to the opposite.
1. I want me to own up to my mistakes and apologize to me.
2. I want me to own up to my mistakes and apologize to (insert the name of the person).
3. I don't want (insert name) to own up to his/her mistakes and apologize to me.
At this point, you find three genuine, specific examples of how the turnaround is true in your life for all three ways. When you do this, the insights you discover are subtle, profound, and humbling. Some maybe truer and feel more appropriate than others. Find the one that is most true to you. It's not about feeling bad or blaming someone or feeling guilty. The goal is to find alternatives that can bring you inner peace, and this all starts and ends in our own minds. Finding inner peace is truly liberating, and doing The Work can help us to get there. Also, one of the rewards for doing this self-inquiry is we have a better understanding about how our own mind works.
If you found this example instructive and worthwhile, I highly suggest you buy Byron Katie's book, Loving What Is, and then start doing The Work on your own with your own thoughts. She is a master teacher in showing us how we can escape the suffering in our minds. Her book, and her work is changing the lives of thousands and thousands of people, it is a trans-formative practice, one that can unlock the prison house door holding us prisoner to all of our painful thoughts and memories, and set us free to be who we truly are.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Nothing like family
Last weekend, I attended my cousin's wedding in Colorado. The weather was chilly and cold, so the ceremony had to be moved inside where everyone could stay warm and dry. In typical fashion, my brother, sister, nephews and I were running late, and so we arrived just as the wedding party was moving down the center aisle in between the tables set up for the reception which was to take place afterwards. We quietly entered through the kitchen area and stood by the bar as we watched the ceremony take place. Across from us on the other side of the reception hall sat the entire family from my mother's side, and we waved to some of them as they turned their heads to see who had just come in. My youngest brother was standing as an usher in the wedding, and just happened to be positioned in the back of the hall where we entered. It had been awhile since all of us had been out together as a family, and to be surrounded by all of our extended relatives, it was impossible not to feel good and connected to what is most important.
I am very close to my sister and brothers. I feel fortunate to have them in my life. Every time I see them I can't help but feel buoyant and elated, and wanting to spend as much quality time with them as possible. They bring out the best in me (most of the time), and the love I feel for them swells and runs over whenever I'm around them. No matter what is going on in their lives, I know they'll be there for me if I'm down, and they know I'll be there for them. And that's what families are for, to ground us to what's most important, which is the love that we share for one another. Mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, nephews and nieces, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, these are our life long assignments. These relationships last a lifetime, the family you are born into was chosen for you (or you chose them, depending on what you believe), because the people in those families offer you the perfect opportunity to evolve to your highest potential. They teach you life lessons, sometimes these lessons are painful and destructive, especially if there is abuse involved, or illness, or dysfunctional behavioral patterns, but it's all geared and organized towards our highest good. We just have to discover what it is. This is not always easy, and can take a lifetime to learn. Sometimes we lose touch with our parents, or siblings, or create feuds that can last for decades, but behind this pain, anger, and confusion, are lessons we are intended to learn so that we can grow in love and expand our understanding and awareness of what it means to be human.
Whenever we are around family, we reconnect to the source of our earthly existence. All of our ancestors are present with us, for without them, we would not have been. They stand beside us as we hug our aunt, or hold a conversation with our uncle, or reminisce about our past follies with our cousin. They look on tenderly from beyond, and smile with gratitude that their family still comes together, to share all that is good between them. I'm fortunate to have a family whose love is unconditional. You can see it in their eyes, in their gestures, in their smiles, and for a few hours, all the troubles we all may be having in our respective lives is forgotten, and we get to celebrate the life we have and the life we share.
The wedding was beautiful, and the celebration afterwards was even better. We drank, we laughed, we caught up with each others' lives, we reminisced about old times, and we comforted each other in the losses we experienced. Family has a way of resetting the button for us because we remember who we are and where we came from, and why life is so worth living. I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful, kind, generous, and loving family.
And finally, I want to say something to my sister and her son, my brother and his son, and my youngest brother: No matter where you are, no matter what you do, no matter how high or low you go (preferably high, though, go high!), I'll be there. You are enough just the way you are.
I am very close to my sister and brothers. I feel fortunate to have them in my life. Every time I see them I can't help but feel buoyant and elated, and wanting to spend as much quality time with them as possible. They bring out the best in me (most of the time), and the love I feel for them swells and runs over whenever I'm around them. No matter what is going on in their lives, I know they'll be there for me if I'm down, and they know I'll be there for them. And that's what families are for, to ground us to what's most important, which is the love that we share for one another. Mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, nephews and nieces, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, these are our life long assignments. These relationships last a lifetime, the family you are born into was chosen for you (or you chose them, depending on what you believe), because the people in those families offer you the perfect opportunity to evolve to your highest potential. They teach you life lessons, sometimes these lessons are painful and destructive, especially if there is abuse involved, or illness, or dysfunctional behavioral patterns, but it's all geared and organized towards our highest good. We just have to discover what it is. This is not always easy, and can take a lifetime to learn. Sometimes we lose touch with our parents, or siblings, or create feuds that can last for decades, but behind this pain, anger, and confusion, are lessons we are intended to learn so that we can grow in love and expand our understanding and awareness of what it means to be human.
Whenever we are around family, we reconnect to the source of our earthly existence. All of our ancestors are present with us, for without them, we would not have been. They stand beside us as we hug our aunt, or hold a conversation with our uncle, or reminisce about our past follies with our cousin. They look on tenderly from beyond, and smile with gratitude that their family still comes together, to share all that is good between them. I'm fortunate to have a family whose love is unconditional. You can see it in their eyes, in their gestures, in their smiles, and for a few hours, all the troubles we all may be having in our respective lives is forgotten, and we get to celebrate the life we have and the life we share.
The wedding was beautiful, and the celebration afterwards was even better. We drank, we laughed, we caught up with each others' lives, we reminisced about old times, and we comforted each other in the losses we experienced. Family has a way of resetting the button for us because we remember who we are and where we came from, and why life is so worth living. I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful, kind, generous, and loving family.
And finally, I want to say something to my sister and her son, my brother and his son, and my youngest brother: No matter where you are, no matter what you do, no matter how high or low you go (preferably high, though, go high!), I'll be there. You are enough just the way you are.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Does Love equal Suffering?
I have perfected the art of suffering. I sometimes wonder if I am addicted to it and actually cultivate suffering in my life to feed my suffering narcissistic ego. It's a reverse egotism where the more I suffer, the more I must really love and care about the person, thing, or event that has happened or has not happened. Somehow I have equated love with suffering and have made that experience one of the primary focuses of my life, and this has repeated itself over and over again, in various forms, all to give me the energy vibration my soul was singing out to the universe. If love equals suffering, and I want to love, then send me experiences and events that cause me to suffer so then I can show the universe, the people around me, my loved ones, my family, and myself, how much I love because of how much I suffer. This is a bit of a problem when you want to change your life and yet the program I've been operating under for so long has become unconscious and is only doing what it's programmed to do. This love equals suffering paradigm implanted early in my life combined with the poor-me drama I developed as a consequence of the fear and intimidation I felt growing up in the presence of my father, led me to create situations where I suffered, where I was made to feel unworthy or undeserving, and then I would receive love and sympathy from others through the subsequent poor-me and aloof dramas. This is how I manipulated, acquired, and controlled the energy of the universe - this is how I learned to receive.
Where did I learn this and how has it manifested or shown up in my life over the years? Well, the receiving energy in any human being is connected to their feminine side, the yin of the yin/yang principle or chi energy, and at a very young age, in my most formative years, between the ages of 2 and 3 years old, I witnessed my mother suffer terrible anguish, misery, and pain over the loss, betrayal, and deception by my father who left her unexpectedly after coming home one night from work and saying he didn't love her anymore, packed up his things, and left. My mother was deeply traumatized by the event, she loved my father so deeply and truly, that this sent shock waves through her whole system which undoubtedly had a profound impact on me and my infant sister. As my mother wept and wept for my father, who had by this time started living with another woman, which only caused my mother more pain and anguish as she suffered through the deliberate cruelty exacted by my father whose intention, at that time, I can only conclude, was to hurt her, and this, as a consequence, caused her deep, emotional pain that was unendurable. I witnessed all of this, and as a young boy who loved his mother, I would come up to her, console her, and say things like 'Mama, please don't cry anymore.' She would tell you to this day that I was her rock that helped her to get through - I was her guy - and because of that particular event, an earth shattering event for a mother and child, we created a very unique and special bond. I am very protective of my mother, regardless of who they may be or whether or not my mother may be in the wrong. I have a deep connection with her to protect her first, and then reason with her later. My other siblings don't have this connection, not like this, and often we are at odds about how to communicate with our mother. But that's another issue. What did I learn about love in this formative episode? I learned that love, true love, meant that you had to suffer - my mother loved my father deeply, and loved him despite his cruelty and betrayal of her - and thus, these were not only the signs of true love, but only through suffering - for others and oneself - marks one as a person who truly and deeply loves.
This belief in love equals suffering deeply for others and oneself became apart of my identity, both consciously and unconsciously. I remember as a boy praying that I would take on my brothers' troubles so that they wouldn't have to suffer (there's a vague memory of that in my childhood bedroom - also, more recently, I prayed I would give up all success and achievement in my acting career as long as my brother got out of prison, which, thank God, he did, thanks to my father). So I consciously wanted to take the suffering away from others. I wanted to see them happy, however, this meant, according to this world view, I would have to suffer, not only for my own life lessons but for theirs as well, which meant that I would live a life of quiet misery, dejection, and depression as I suffered for the world around me. Because I loved the world so much, and the people in my world so much, I suffered for them so they wouldn't have to suffer. Very Christlike of me. Although it didn't achieve the end I'd hoped it would - harmony, love, joy, happiness, and peace. And, because I believed suffering and love were together, another idea took shape which supported and reinforced this now unconscious belief - and that is - In my world (in Charlie's world), everything goes wrong. In almost every situation, circumstance, or relationship I've had, there has been something to suffer over. Either the opportunity which showed itself fizzled out and didn't live up to its promise, or I put all my heart and effort into it and it was rejected or I choked when it counted most, or the relationship with the woman whom I loved so deeply but couldn't have the family I wanted with her, all these examples and more caused me extreme anguish and suffering. Couple that with the wounded masculine in me that resulted from the fear and intimidation I felt whenever my father flew into a rage, and I wonder why my life has been such a struggle to find balance. (NOTE: my father is a war veteran, who fought valiantly and honorably for this country on 2 tours in Vietnam as a Navy Seal. It should be noted here that I grew up when the war was still very much inside of him, and the effects of PTSD were at its peak. The trauma my sister, mother, and I experienced during this time is directly attributed to this disorder, I have no doubt in my mind. I want it to be clearly noted, I do not find fault or am in any way blaming my father for what happened. I love, adore, and cherish my father unconditionally. He was operating and functioning with a lot of pain inside of him, and at that time, PTSD was looked at as a weakness; a strong man, a warrior, learned to deal with the pain everyday of his life. Unfortunately, if the pain we are carrying is buried deep within us, it comes out in dysfunctional behavioral patterns and undermines our ability to have meaningful, healthy relationships. His disproportionate rage was one of those dysfunctional behavior patterns that resulted from denying and suppressing the diagnosis of PTSD).
It's interesting too, that when life did present me with an alternative, especially in regards to relationships, I would reject it because it didn't offer me the excitement or probably more accurately, the subconscious pain, that my soul craved. I say this because I saw a picture of a girl who absolutely loved me, a gorgeous woman, who may have offered the alternative to love that I had not experienced: a healthy, vibrant relationship. I wasn't comfortable with who I was, plus I was afraid how I might behave in a relationship (would I become like my father?) and so, I rejected it altogether without ever exploring it. It probably was for the best because I had a lot of growing to do, but its not like I didn't have other opportunities. The problem was that I equated love with suffering, and a relationship with Stacy or Vicky (their names have been changed), didn't offer that.
Another thing I am humbled by is that I equated true love from a woman after she had been betrayed by her man and had forgiven him, like my mother did with my father, and which I ended up acting out with Angela (her name is changed) in our former relationship. Once she forgave me my transgressions, then I knew her love was real and true, and that I was worthy of it, and so, love was equated with suffering - Angela suffered because of my infidelities and I suffered because of my guilt and shame. Not a very healthy approach to a relationship.
How else has this shown up in my life? Here's what happens: an event or opportunity occurs, I put my whole self into it, at some point it falls apart, my heart breaks, the poor-me drama sets in, and I suffer. Time and time again this pattern re-occurs. Football - I got a scholarship to play at the Academy, I give it everything I got, my body falls apart because the guys are too big, and I feel sorry for myself. I graduate from the Academy, my life's ahead of me, the reality of what I'm doing causes me distress, I lose hope, fall apart, make some really bad choices, and things collapse. The poor-me drama sets in and I suffer. My acting career has had multiple times where I thought it would take off, but somehow, someway, it always fell apart, I get angry and upset - sometimes its my fault because I choked, other times it was just bad luck - the poor-me drama sets in, I start to believe I'm meant to come close but never cross over to success, and thus, I suffer. My relationship with Angela started out wonderful, but the whole child/family issue tormented me, the poor-me drama ensued, God and life wanted to punish me and make me suffer, and so on and so on. When I started to lose my hair, and tried everything to keep it - spending all my savings and investment money to keep it, and it didn't work, and thus I got to play the poor-me drama again - I no longer had my mojo and so girls wouldn't find me attractive - and I suffered. And most recently, with my ex-fiance Angela married off already and involved sexually with another man so soon after leaving me unexpectedly and suddenly, I suffered unendurable suffering (much like my mom from when I was a boy) because I loved her so deeply and have yet to re-ignite and re-kindle my own desire for sex with another woman. I suffer while others do not and this is all connected to my unconscious belief that love equals suffering.
This idea permeates and feeds my conception of my art. One must suffer for their art - it's apart of being a true artist. One must give up the joys and pleasures of life (unless you live like a bohemian, and live loosely, which I tried, but conflicted with my soul's deeper longing to have true love and intimacy) in order to be a great artist. Look at Dostoyevsky! Look at Van Gogh. Rilke. These great artists and others like them suffered for their art. And they brought to the world astounding contributions, and so, I wanted to sacrifice my life like they did, because of my love for my creations. Of course, these illustrations don't take into account the worlds and environments they lived in, as well as other factors, and so, I've built up myths about these and other artists which I have adopted to model after (up until recently, anyway) in my own artistic life. I guess I conveniently ignored all the other great artists who became wealthy and successful like Shakespeare, Steven Spielberg, Tom Hanks, Marlon Brando, Mark Ruffalo, and many others who have been both great artists and achieved worldly success in their careers. So the notion that you have to suffer for your art has its limitations. You should believe and cultivate your art, and not be sidestepped from your creativity and bliss, but you don't have to indulge in suffering for it. Actually, success will only make you more of what you already are. If you're a great artist, wealth and success will give you the opportunity to do more of it, without having to struggle for one's survival. It (wealth and success) can be a blessing or a curse depending on who you are and what you are all about. If you want to give to the world and share your talents, ideas, and vision for it, wealth and success will open up opportunities to do it. Hence, there is no reason in the world why you can't be a great artist and be successful financially and living life in abundance.
I have expected to fail or come up short in most or all of my endeavors in regards to my careers, relationships, and life goals. This program has been repeated time and time again, because life was unfair (another unconscious belief I held dear), and so, life has, up and until this point, proven this to be true. I believed it - therefore, this would inevitably happen, no matter what I did. I guess I imagined if I suffered long enough, God would finally relent and say, "OK! Jesus. You've suffered enough. Here - now you can start living the life you want. Here's the careers, money, wealth, abundance, joy, relationship, family, love, travel, etc., that you've always wanted. You've suffered enough!" Well, actually, I have suffered enough. I don't want to suffer anymore. I see and understand how I have continually sabotaged myself and how this poor-me drama and love equals suffering has played out over and over again. Now that I'm aware of it, I can take steps to correct and attract to myself the things I do want to experience. And for one, I think it's time to tell the universe I don't want to experience this suffering anymore, I want to experience this: where every facet of my life is working - I'm living life on purpose, I'm creating, I'm serving others, I'm creating wealth and abundance, I'm successful in my careers, I'm in a beautiful, healthy, trusting relationship, I'm experiencing true love, I'm traveling the world, I'm experiencing being a father - all these things and more are the experiences I want to have, and this is the song my soul is singing now. Especially now that I'm aware of the pattern I have been singing. Also, and I think this is very important, I must look at rejection or obstacles not as denials but as delays, and use this as a time to gather and collect information for my growth and conscious expansion and evolution.
The only one who suffers when I suffer is me. Is there a place for suffering? Absolutely, in this world there is. Why? Because with suffering and pain we grow in love and compassion and empathy for ourselves and for others which expands our hearts and connects us to others. As long as we believe we are separated from one another, that we live in separate bodies, there is a need for suffering, until that time when we recognize we are all One, and then, the need for suffering is over because only Love exists. Where I've gone awry is I've carried suffering to the extreme, and dwelt in suffering for long extended periods of time. Well, that's over. A healthy period of suffering is good, but to dwell in suffering, live in suffering, cultivate suffering, is not, and takes away the joy and happiness of life that is my inheritance as a child of the One Source.
I've been addicted to suffering because I equated Love with it. It's time to break the addiction and learn to receive the love of the universe (life) through my acts of giving, my appreciation and gratitude for all that's in my life, seeing the beauty in everything and sending love to it, learning about energy and how I can tap into the Source of the Universal Field always, and therefore, not need anything outside of me to fill or receive that energy. Specifically, the feminine energy of the universe - I must break the addiction to another person, complete the circle within me, feel that sense of falling in love and the euphoria that comes with that when the two sides come together, the Yin and Yang, feel that within me first, and on a constant basis, and then, I'll be ready for that true love, that authentic relationship I so deeply desire to have. Love is giving and receiving and Being - it's not suffering. And once I'm able to harness this universal love energy that is everywhere and within me, I will attract to me the very things, relationships, and experiences I envision for myself and for my life.
Peace and blessings.
Where did I learn this and how has it manifested or shown up in my life over the years? Well, the receiving energy in any human being is connected to their feminine side, the yin of the yin/yang principle or chi energy, and at a very young age, in my most formative years, between the ages of 2 and 3 years old, I witnessed my mother suffer terrible anguish, misery, and pain over the loss, betrayal, and deception by my father who left her unexpectedly after coming home one night from work and saying he didn't love her anymore, packed up his things, and left. My mother was deeply traumatized by the event, she loved my father so deeply and truly, that this sent shock waves through her whole system which undoubtedly had a profound impact on me and my infant sister. As my mother wept and wept for my father, who had by this time started living with another woman, which only caused my mother more pain and anguish as she suffered through the deliberate cruelty exacted by my father whose intention, at that time, I can only conclude, was to hurt her, and this, as a consequence, caused her deep, emotional pain that was unendurable. I witnessed all of this, and as a young boy who loved his mother, I would come up to her, console her, and say things like 'Mama, please don't cry anymore.' She would tell you to this day that I was her rock that helped her to get through - I was her guy - and because of that particular event, an earth shattering event for a mother and child, we created a very unique and special bond. I am very protective of my mother, regardless of who they may be or whether or not my mother may be in the wrong. I have a deep connection with her to protect her first, and then reason with her later. My other siblings don't have this connection, not like this, and often we are at odds about how to communicate with our mother. But that's another issue. What did I learn about love in this formative episode? I learned that love, true love, meant that you had to suffer - my mother loved my father deeply, and loved him despite his cruelty and betrayal of her - and thus, these were not only the signs of true love, but only through suffering - for others and oneself - marks one as a person who truly and deeply loves.
This belief in love equals suffering deeply for others and oneself became apart of my identity, both consciously and unconsciously. I remember as a boy praying that I would take on my brothers' troubles so that they wouldn't have to suffer (there's a vague memory of that in my childhood bedroom - also, more recently, I prayed I would give up all success and achievement in my acting career as long as my brother got out of prison, which, thank God, he did, thanks to my father). So I consciously wanted to take the suffering away from others. I wanted to see them happy, however, this meant, according to this world view, I would have to suffer, not only for my own life lessons but for theirs as well, which meant that I would live a life of quiet misery, dejection, and depression as I suffered for the world around me. Because I loved the world so much, and the people in my world so much, I suffered for them so they wouldn't have to suffer. Very Christlike of me. Although it didn't achieve the end I'd hoped it would - harmony, love, joy, happiness, and peace. And, because I believed suffering and love were together, another idea took shape which supported and reinforced this now unconscious belief - and that is - In my world (in Charlie's world), everything goes wrong. In almost every situation, circumstance, or relationship I've had, there has been something to suffer over. Either the opportunity which showed itself fizzled out and didn't live up to its promise, or I put all my heart and effort into it and it was rejected or I choked when it counted most, or the relationship with the woman whom I loved so deeply but couldn't have the family I wanted with her, all these examples and more caused me extreme anguish and suffering. Couple that with the wounded masculine in me that resulted from the fear and intimidation I felt whenever my father flew into a rage, and I wonder why my life has been such a struggle to find balance. (NOTE: my father is a war veteran, who fought valiantly and honorably for this country on 2 tours in Vietnam as a Navy Seal. It should be noted here that I grew up when the war was still very much inside of him, and the effects of PTSD were at its peak. The trauma my sister, mother, and I experienced during this time is directly attributed to this disorder, I have no doubt in my mind. I want it to be clearly noted, I do not find fault or am in any way blaming my father for what happened. I love, adore, and cherish my father unconditionally. He was operating and functioning with a lot of pain inside of him, and at that time, PTSD was looked at as a weakness; a strong man, a warrior, learned to deal with the pain everyday of his life. Unfortunately, if the pain we are carrying is buried deep within us, it comes out in dysfunctional behavioral patterns and undermines our ability to have meaningful, healthy relationships. His disproportionate rage was one of those dysfunctional behavior patterns that resulted from denying and suppressing the diagnosis of PTSD).
It's interesting too, that when life did present me with an alternative, especially in regards to relationships, I would reject it because it didn't offer me the excitement or probably more accurately, the subconscious pain, that my soul craved. I say this because I saw a picture of a girl who absolutely loved me, a gorgeous woman, who may have offered the alternative to love that I had not experienced: a healthy, vibrant relationship. I wasn't comfortable with who I was, plus I was afraid how I might behave in a relationship (would I become like my father?) and so, I rejected it altogether without ever exploring it. It probably was for the best because I had a lot of growing to do, but its not like I didn't have other opportunities. The problem was that I equated love with suffering, and a relationship with Stacy or Vicky (their names have been changed), didn't offer that.
Another thing I am humbled by is that I equated true love from a woman after she had been betrayed by her man and had forgiven him, like my mother did with my father, and which I ended up acting out with Angela (her name is changed) in our former relationship. Once she forgave me my transgressions, then I knew her love was real and true, and that I was worthy of it, and so, love was equated with suffering - Angela suffered because of my infidelities and I suffered because of my guilt and shame. Not a very healthy approach to a relationship.
How else has this shown up in my life? Here's what happens: an event or opportunity occurs, I put my whole self into it, at some point it falls apart, my heart breaks, the poor-me drama sets in, and I suffer. Time and time again this pattern re-occurs. Football - I got a scholarship to play at the Academy, I give it everything I got, my body falls apart because the guys are too big, and I feel sorry for myself. I graduate from the Academy, my life's ahead of me, the reality of what I'm doing causes me distress, I lose hope, fall apart, make some really bad choices, and things collapse. The poor-me drama sets in and I suffer. My acting career has had multiple times where I thought it would take off, but somehow, someway, it always fell apart, I get angry and upset - sometimes its my fault because I choked, other times it was just bad luck - the poor-me drama sets in, I start to believe I'm meant to come close but never cross over to success, and thus, I suffer. My relationship with Angela started out wonderful, but the whole child/family issue tormented me, the poor-me drama ensued, God and life wanted to punish me and make me suffer, and so on and so on. When I started to lose my hair, and tried everything to keep it - spending all my savings and investment money to keep it, and it didn't work, and thus I got to play the poor-me drama again - I no longer had my mojo and so girls wouldn't find me attractive - and I suffered. And most recently, with my ex-fiance Angela married off already and involved sexually with another man so soon after leaving me unexpectedly and suddenly, I suffered unendurable suffering (much like my mom from when I was a boy) because I loved her so deeply and have yet to re-ignite and re-kindle my own desire for sex with another woman. I suffer while others do not and this is all connected to my unconscious belief that love equals suffering.
This idea permeates and feeds my conception of my art. One must suffer for their art - it's apart of being a true artist. One must give up the joys and pleasures of life (unless you live like a bohemian, and live loosely, which I tried, but conflicted with my soul's deeper longing to have true love and intimacy) in order to be a great artist. Look at Dostoyevsky! Look at Van Gogh. Rilke. These great artists and others like them suffered for their art. And they brought to the world astounding contributions, and so, I wanted to sacrifice my life like they did, because of my love for my creations. Of course, these illustrations don't take into account the worlds and environments they lived in, as well as other factors, and so, I've built up myths about these and other artists which I have adopted to model after (up until recently, anyway) in my own artistic life. I guess I conveniently ignored all the other great artists who became wealthy and successful like Shakespeare, Steven Spielberg, Tom Hanks, Marlon Brando, Mark Ruffalo, and many others who have been both great artists and achieved worldly success in their careers. So the notion that you have to suffer for your art has its limitations. You should believe and cultivate your art, and not be sidestepped from your creativity and bliss, but you don't have to indulge in suffering for it. Actually, success will only make you more of what you already are. If you're a great artist, wealth and success will give you the opportunity to do more of it, without having to struggle for one's survival. It (wealth and success) can be a blessing or a curse depending on who you are and what you are all about. If you want to give to the world and share your talents, ideas, and vision for it, wealth and success will open up opportunities to do it. Hence, there is no reason in the world why you can't be a great artist and be successful financially and living life in abundance.
I have expected to fail or come up short in most or all of my endeavors in regards to my careers, relationships, and life goals. This program has been repeated time and time again, because life was unfair (another unconscious belief I held dear), and so, life has, up and until this point, proven this to be true. I believed it - therefore, this would inevitably happen, no matter what I did. I guess I imagined if I suffered long enough, God would finally relent and say, "OK! Jesus. You've suffered enough. Here - now you can start living the life you want. Here's the careers, money, wealth, abundance, joy, relationship, family, love, travel, etc., that you've always wanted. You've suffered enough!" Well, actually, I have suffered enough. I don't want to suffer anymore. I see and understand how I have continually sabotaged myself and how this poor-me drama and love equals suffering has played out over and over again. Now that I'm aware of it, I can take steps to correct and attract to myself the things I do want to experience. And for one, I think it's time to tell the universe I don't want to experience this suffering anymore, I want to experience this: where every facet of my life is working - I'm living life on purpose, I'm creating, I'm serving others, I'm creating wealth and abundance, I'm successful in my careers, I'm in a beautiful, healthy, trusting relationship, I'm experiencing true love, I'm traveling the world, I'm experiencing being a father - all these things and more are the experiences I want to have, and this is the song my soul is singing now. Especially now that I'm aware of the pattern I have been singing. Also, and I think this is very important, I must look at rejection or obstacles not as denials but as delays, and use this as a time to gather and collect information for my growth and conscious expansion and evolution.
The only one who suffers when I suffer is me. Is there a place for suffering? Absolutely, in this world there is. Why? Because with suffering and pain we grow in love and compassion and empathy for ourselves and for others which expands our hearts and connects us to others. As long as we believe we are separated from one another, that we live in separate bodies, there is a need for suffering, until that time when we recognize we are all One, and then, the need for suffering is over because only Love exists. Where I've gone awry is I've carried suffering to the extreme, and dwelt in suffering for long extended periods of time. Well, that's over. A healthy period of suffering is good, but to dwell in suffering, live in suffering, cultivate suffering, is not, and takes away the joy and happiness of life that is my inheritance as a child of the One Source.
I've been addicted to suffering because I equated Love with it. It's time to break the addiction and learn to receive the love of the universe (life) through my acts of giving, my appreciation and gratitude for all that's in my life, seeing the beauty in everything and sending love to it, learning about energy and how I can tap into the Source of the Universal Field always, and therefore, not need anything outside of me to fill or receive that energy. Specifically, the feminine energy of the universe - I must break the addiction to another person, complete the circle within me, feel that sense of falling in love and the euphoria that comes with that when the two sides come together, the Yin and Yang, feel that within me first, and on a constant basis, and then, I'll be ready for that true love, that authentic relationship I so deeply desire to have. Love is giving and receiving and Being - it's not suffering. And once I'm able to harness this universal love energy that is everywhere and within me, I will attract to me the very things, relationships, and experiences I envision for myself and for my life.
Peace and blessings.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Why is all time and space now?
Time and space. The concept of these two ideas is one of the touchstones of the earthly, mortal life. Our lives are mapped out according to the passage of time. We are born, we grow, we have experiences and events that give shape to our lives and influence the people we become, we grow old and look back at our lives and the times that passed, and then, we die. The space in which we traveled is book-ended by our birth and our death in the mortal world, and often it can seem to many that they never really lived. To some, like the playwright Samuel Beckett, whose existential philosophy reduced man to a separated entity totally devoid of an all-loving and ever present God, life was but an instant. "They give birth astride of a grave, the light beams an instant, and then its night once more", one of his most famous lines in his play Waiting for Godot, summed up his idea of the nature of time. Although I do not believe in his philosophy, for I believe and know I am a child of God, I mention this quote because of its undeniable illustration of the illusion of time. One day, one hour, one second, one year, ten years, what difference does it make in regards to a man's life? Time, in my humble opinion, is irrelevant, its what we do with the "time" given to us to live on this earth that counts.
The problem with time and space is in how we measure and use it. Time, no doubt, was established as man discovered the world around him and gave it structure. He noted the rising of the sun, the motion of the stars, the movement of the planets, and the changing of the seasons. Observing all these external phenomena allowed man to construct and develop the idea of time so that he could maximize his production on this planet. Whether it was for farming and the right time to plant seeds, when to harvest the crops, when to prepare goods and necessities for the winter, all these things, and more, benefited from the organization and division of time in the mortal realm. Space, of course, is the measurement between two objects. We can easily see this when we measure the distance between two buildings, or between two stars. Our eyes and senses tell us there is a space between them, and thus, we judge them to be separate from each other. But where does space exist in a man's life? Where does one point end and the other begin showing us the "space" between them? It can't be found, and thus, one can conclude, there is no space in a man's life to measure. He is where he is. Reality is where he is, there is no space somewhere in between him and his reality. So then, what is it we do measure?
St. Augustine, in his great spiritual biography, "The Confessions", goes into explicit detail about the nature of time and eternity. He discovered we measure time in its passing. "But it is passing times that we measure, and we make these measurements in perceiving them. As to past times, which no longer exist, or future, which as yet do not exist, who can measure time, except perhaps a man rash enough to say that he can measure what does not exist? Therefore, as long as time is passing by, it can be perceived and measured, but when it has passed by, it cannot be measured since it does not exist." In essence, St. Augustine is saying that time is an illusion, because the only place where it can be measured is in the past and the future, which do not exist, and only exist within our minds. It is in our minds that we measure time. The future is an expectation of things to come, but which do not yet exist, the present is all that there is which instantly moves into the past which no longer exists, and the past is the memory of what happened, but which also no longer exists. Even here in this ancient text, St. Augustine is postulating that the only real "time" there is is in the present, and he states, "But if the present were always present, and would not pass into the past, it would no longer be time, but eternity." As far as I know, this is one of the earliest texts we have which breaks down what time and space appears to be and shows its illusory nature, being the measurement of things which no longer exist or do not yet exist, and the only "time" that does exist is the Now, or the Present. St. Augustine, were he with us today, may have been a big proponent of the book The Power of Now, by Eckart Tolle.
And thus, time and space is an illusion originating in the mind of man in order to give shape and a framework for the world he lived in, the material world. Time is a construct of the human mind in which figures come and go, experiences are acquired, and an ego identity is formed based upon the total accumulation of these experiences and figures that pass through our mortal lives. We identify with this story in our mind, and thus, our conception of ourselves is conditioned by the past. If we carry the past into the present, the future will be another form of something already experienced. Our conception of who we are is based on nothing, because the past no longer exists, and therefore, is an illusion. When we think about the past or the future, we are not actually thinking, because we are thinking about nothing, since neither the past or the future are in existence. The present is all there is, however, the present cannot be measured because its here in a split second and then in a split second its gone and now becomes the past, which does not exist. There is no space to measure the present, while the past and the future are measured by things gone by (people, places, events), or by things yet to come (people, places, events), but which, by its very nature as we conceive it, do not exist, and therefore, are delusions of consciousness. Somehow we must all learn how to access the Now. Time is an illusion. Now is all there is.
Deepak Chopra writes in his book The Soul of Leadership, "Joy and happiness can only occur right this moment. If you dwell on past joys and wish for future happiness, they are not yours now. But the present is tricky. By definition, now last only a split second before it turns into the past." How does one stay in the present then? "By accessing the consciousness that is in the body," as Eckart Tolle suggests. The inner body, not the mind, is the key to remaining in the present. As Deepak Chopra states, "Your soul is always in the present."
What purpose then, is the time and space illusion? I refer to Abraham Hicks, who points out that the time and space illusion "gives a structure to note our progress, our evolution. Things are constantly expanding. We should look at expansion instead of time." Abraham goes on to say that "The time it takes something to manifest is the amount of time it takes to achieve vibrational alignment with what I am looking for. If I am feeling depressed, or anxious, or angry, disappointed, etc., then, I am holding myself apart from what I want indefinitely until I change that feeling to hopefulness or expectation. I have to be this happy to accomplish it. How much time it takes me to get that happy is up to me. Practice hopeful thoughts, thoughts of appreciation, expectant thoughts, thoughts of happiness. The things that you want feel good when you get there. But you have to feel good before you get there or you would hold them apart and time can be indefinite." In other words, the time/space illusion can be used to create the experiences we want to create in order to progress and evolve to our perfected state, and this all begins with our thoughts.
But what will these thoughts do? How do they affect the physical world I live in? Albert Einstein said, "Everything is energy and that's all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy. This is physics." Specifically, we are talking about quantum physics, the subatomic world that underlies all of life. Since everything is energy, or a form of energy, including thoughts, we are much more powerful than we believe. All of our thoughts affect the vibrational patterns of the atoms within us, around us, in others, and in the world around. As we raise our vibrational frequency, we will attract those things (people, places, events, and experiences) we want to have. We can affect the quantum level of existence, which unifies and connects us to everything, and thus, "Time" itself melts into an expansive set of possibilities moving out from an eternal Now. In the quantum level of existence there are no fixed objects in time or space, and so there are only possibilities. Thus, by inducing a feeling and emotion to the field of consciousness we are saying to the universe 'I want to experience more of this. This makes me feel good.' Plus, if everything is happening right now, and it is, we have to choose what it is we want to experience, focus our feelings, emotions, and attention on it in order to make itself manifest in the material realm. By affecting the quantum level of existence, we are helping to re-order and re-program the universe to give us more of what it is we want to experience. By influencing the field of possibility with our thoughts, our vision for our life, the feelings and emotions that come with those thoughts, we are asking the universe, God, our creator, (whatever name you want to use), to bring these experiences to us. We are, in effect, bringing the forces of the time/space illusion under our command. We become a co-creator with God, whose Will is our will, and who Wills that we have everything, no more or less than anyone else.
How else do we harness the forces, the invisible forces, of the time/space illusion so that they are at our command? First, we must come to understand and know that we are all connected to One Source, to God (again, insert whatever name you wish), and it is He who created us. Where is our connection to God, to the universe? In our souls, and by aligning with our souls, our True Selves, and thus coming from a natural state of perfection within, the power of God, of Source, within each of us will act like a magnet and attract all that will truly make us happy. When we try to make things happen, usually, it comes from a place of desperation, a sense of lack that needs to be filled. A Course in Miracles states (and I paraphrase) "They seek for love desperately. But by remaining in a state of peace and love, those very things which they truly want will come to them on their own." This does not mean we sit passively in our chairs and expect things to come to us. We do what is required of us until we are inspired by a thought or idea that guides us to what to do next, and then, let life unfold. See only miracles, and you will have only miracles occur in your life. By aligning with our True Selves and the Source within, we will magnetize the very things we want to bring into our lives and experience it - success in our careers; true, authentic, healthy, trustworthy relationships; wealth and abundance; enlightenment; a family; whatever it may be for each one of you - all this will be given us because of the joy it brings to us and to the Source who gives them.
Once we are aligned with the power and love of God within, then we lead our lives from the level of the soul. This idea comes from Deepak Chopra's book I mention earlier in this post, in his chapter on synchronicity. "The work of synchronicity is the unseen intelligence that puts you in the right place at the right time." It is an easy and natural way to live which allows your true self to unfold. It places trust in the soul to guide you to where you need to be when you need to be there. All leaders, visionaries, artists rely on invisible powers to come to their aid. They expect miracles, and when you see the miracles in your life, both large and small, it means you have a strong connection to your soul, and trust your soul will organize events to bring about the best results! Chopra writes, "Synchronicity isn't mystical. It is evidence of the hidden intelligence that pervades the universe. This intelligence coordinates everything in creation, and if you are open to it, it can coordinate the creation of your vision." And thus miracles, or what the world regards as miracles, will become normal, and as this becomes the norm, we will experience the dreams of our lives coming true.
Finally, and most importantly, is the idea that we are already everything. God is Love, and Love encompasses ALL. It has no opposite. And because God is everything, the more we see ourselves as everything, then everything comes to us because that is God's Will.
The problem with time and space is in how we measure and use it. Time, no doubt, was established as man discovered the world around him and gave it structure. He noted the rising of the sun, the motion of the stars, the movement of the planets, and the changing of the seasons. Observing all these external phenomena allowed man to construct and develop the idea of time so that he could maximize his production on this planet. Whether it was for farming and the right time to plant seeds, when to harvest the crops, when to prepare goods and necessities for the winter, all these things, and more, benefited from the organization and division of time in the mortal realm. Space, of course, is the measurement between two objects. We can easily see this when we measure the distance between two buildings, or between two stars. Our eyes and senses tell us there is a space between them, and thus, we judge them to be separate from each other. But where does space exist in a man's life? Where does one point end and the other begin showing us the "space" between them? It can't be found, and thus, one can conclude, there is no space in a man's life to measure. He is where he is. Reality is where he is, there is no space somewhere in between him and his reality. So then, what is it we do measure?
St. Augustine, in his great spiritual biography, "The Confessions", goes into explicit detail about the nature of time and eternity. He discovered we measure time in its passing. "But it is passing times that we measure, and we make these measurements in perceiving them. As to past times, which no longer exist, or future, which as yet do not exist, who can measure time, except perhaps a man rash enough to say that he can measure what does not exist? Therefore, as long as time is passing by, it can be perceived and measured, but when it has passed by, it cannot be measured since it does not exist." In essence, St. Augustine is saying that time is an illusion, because the only place where it can be measured is in the past and the future, which do not exist, and only exist within our minds. It is in our minds that we measure time. The future is an expectation of things to come, but which do not yet exist, the present is all that there is which instantly moves into the past which no longer exists, and the past is the memory of what happened, but which also no longer exists. Even here in this ancient text, St. Augustine is postulating that the only real "time" there is is in the present, and he states, "But if the present were always present, and would not pass into the past, it would no longer be time, but eternity." As far as I know, this is one of the earliest texts we have which breaks down what time and space appears to be and shows its illusory nature, being the measurement of things which no longer exist or do not yet exist, and the only "time" that does exist is the Now, or the Present. St. Augustine, were he with us today, may have been a big proponent of the book The Power of Now, by Eckart Tolle.
And thus, time and space is an illusion originating in the mind of man in order to give shape and a framework for the world he lived in, the material world. Time is a construct of the human mind in which figures come and go, experiences are acquired, and an ego identity is formed based upon the total accumulation of these experiences and figures that pass through our mortal lives. We identify with this story in our mind, and thus, our conception of ourselves is conditioned by the past. If we carry the past into the present, the future will be another form of something already experienced. Our conception of who we are is based on nothing, because the past no longer exists, and therefore, is an illusion. When we think about the past or the future, we are not actually thinking, because we are thinking about nothing, since neither the past or the future are in existence. The present is all there is, however, the present cannot be measured because its here in a split second and then in a split second its gone and now becomes the past, which does not exist. There is no space to measure the present, while the past and the future are measured by things gone by (people, places, events), or by things yet to come (people, places, events), but which, by its very nature as we conceive it, do not exist, and therefore, are delusions of consciousness. Somehow we must all learn how to access the Now. Time is an illusion. Now is all there is.
Deepak Chopra writes in his book The Soul of Leadership, "Joy and happiness can only occur right this moment. If you dwell on past joys and wish for future happiness, they are not yours now. But the present is tricky. By definition, now last only a split second before it turns into the past." How does one stay in the present then? "By accessing the consciousness that is in the body," as Eckart Tolle suggests. The inner body, not the mind, is the key to remaining in the present. As Deepak Chopra states, "Your soul is always in the present."
What purpose then, is the time and space illusion? I refer to Abraham Hicks, who points out that the time and space illusion "gives a structure to note our progress, our evolution. Things are constantly expanding. We should look at expansion instead of time." Abraham goes on to say that "The time it takes something to manifest is the amount of time it takes to achieve vibrational alignment with what I am looking for. If I am feeling depressed, or anxious, or angry, disappointed, etc., then, I am holding myself apart from what I want indefinitely until I change that feeling to hopefulness or expectation. I have to be this happy to accomplish it. How much time it takes me to get that happy is up to me. Practice hopeful thoughts, thoughts of appreciation, expectant thoughts, thoughts of happiness. The things that you want feel good when you get there. But you have to feel good before you get there or you would hold them apart and time can be indefinite." In other words, the time/space illusion can be used to create the experiences we want to create in order to progress and evolve to our perfected state, and this all begins with our thoughts.
But what will these thoughts do? How do they affect the physical world I live in? Albert Einstein said, "Everything is energy and that's all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy. This is physics." Specifically, we are talking about quantum physics, the subatomic world that underlies all of life. Since everything is energy, or a form of energy, including thoughts, we are much more powerful than we believe. All of our thoughts affect the vibrational patterns of the atoms within us, around us, in others, and in the world around. As we raise our vibrational frequency, we will attract those things (people, places, events, and experiences) we want to have. We can affect the quantum level of existence, which unifies and connects us to everything, and thus, "Time" itself melts into an expansive set of possibilities moving out from an eternal Now. In the quantum level of existence there are no fixed objects in time or space, and so there are only possibilities. Thus, by inducing a feeling and emotion to the field of consciousness we are saying to the universe 'I want to experience more of this. This makes me feel good.' Plus, if everything is happening right now, and it is, we have to choose what it is we want to experience, focus our feelings, emotions, and attention on it in order to make itself manifest in the material realm. By affecting the quantum level of existence, we are helping to re-order and re-program the universe to give us more of what it is we want to experience. By influencing the field of possibility with our thoughts, our vision for our life, the feelings and emotions that come with those thoughts, we are asking the universe, God, our creator, (whatever name you want to use), to bring these experiences to us. We are, in effect, bringing the forces of the time/space illusion under our command. We become a co-creator with God, whose Will is our will, and who Wills that we have everything, no more or less than anyone else.
How else do we harness the forces, the invisible forces, of the time/space illusion so that they are at our command? First, we must come to understand and know that we are all connected to One Source, to God (again, insert whatever name you wish), and it is He who created us. Where is our connection to God, to the universe? In our souls, and by aligning with our souls, our True Selves, and thus coming from a natural state of perfection within, the power of God, of Source, within each of us will act like a magnet and attract all that will truly make us happy. When we try to make things happen, usually, it comes from a place of desperation, a sense of lack that needs to be filled. A Course in Miracles states (and I paraphrase) "They seek for love desperately. But by remaining in a state of peace and love, those very things which they truly want will come to them on their own." This does not mean we sit passively in our chairs and expect things to come to us. We do what is required of us until we are inspired by a thought or idea that guides us to what to do next, and then, let life unfold. See only miracles, and you will have only miracles occur in your life. By aligning with our True Selves and the Source within, we will magnetize the very things we want to bring into our lives and experience it - success in our careers; true, authentic, healthy, trustworthy relationships; wealth and abundance; enlightenment; a family; whatever it may be for each one of you - all this will be given us because of the joy it brings to us and to the Source who gives them.
Once we are aligned with the power and love of God within, then we lead our lives from the level of the soul. This idea comes from Deepak Chopra's book I mention earlier in this post, in his chapter on synchronicity. "The work of synchronicity is the unseen intelligence that puts you in the right place at the right time." It is an easy and natural way to live which allows your true self to unfold. It places trust in the soul to guide you to where you need to be when you need to be there. All leaders, visionaries, artists rely on invisible powers to come to their aid. They expect miracles, and when you see the miracles in your life, both large and small, it means you have a strong connection to your soul, and trust your soul will organize events to bring about the best results! Chopra writes, "Synchronicity isn't mystical. It is evidence of the hidden intelligence that pervades the universe. This intelligence coordinates everything in creation, and if you are open to it, it can coordinate the creation of your vision." And thus miracles, or what the world regards as miracles, will become normal, and as this becomes the norm, we will experience the dreams of our lives coming true.
Finally, and most importantly, is the idea that we are already everything. God is Love, and Love encompasses ALL. It has no opposite. And because God is everything, the more we see ourselves as everything, then everything comes to us because that is God's Will.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Robert Redford MIA for 5 years; I've been MIA for 12 years, but now I'm back!
Robert Redford, one of the best actors ever to come across the screen, has been MIA from the movies for nearly five years. His last film was back in 2007, Lions for Lambs, a film in which he directed and co-starred. Since then, he has quietly disappeared from the eyes of his fans and admirers, and many of us are wondering why such a prodigious talent, an icon of the movies, has removed himself from the field he so wonderfully commanded. I'm a huge fan of Mr. Redford. Two of my all time favorite movies he starred in: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and The Natural. When I was a young man, these movies inspired my imagination and contributed to my desire to want to be an actor, a movie star, on the big screen. The latter film, made me believe that we all have a natural talent at something where we want to be the best, and the true at heart, those who believe in themselves, eventually get the opportunity to share it with everybody and fulfill their dreams. The Natural epitomized to me the courage of a man to follow his passion, his truth, no matter where it took him, and in the movie, his character disappears for awhile before he resurfaces again, much like the theme of my post. It also taught me that you must love what you do, whether its playing baseball, acting, or some other endeavor, and to never give up, even when the odds are against you, because life has a way of bringing you what you want in a way more amazing than you could ever have imagined.
My own life has had its many ups and downs and twists and turns. After my time in the military, I followed my passion in the arts, and disappeared from the scene of society, as I worked to mine my talents, and discover the inner workings of my own nature. I experienced a very traumatic experience about a year ago which left my life in shambles, my future uncertain, and the hope of a bright future nearly extinguished. I suffered from a severe case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and for many months I was caught in the nightmare wondering if I'd ever get out. As a consequence of the event which happened, I lost a lot of weight; I couldn't sleep at night; I was having nightmares; at work, I was barely able to function and though I was there physically, I was not there at all mentally or emotionally; and, I wept constantly without any warning; for months, I would stare at my apartment walls for hours and then break down into uncontrollable sobs. The pain was so excruciating, I never thought it would end, and my thoughts would wander to the point wondering if life was even worth living.
PTSD is a major crisis in a person's life, it is not to be taken lightly or looked at as a weakness. It is a debilitating disorder that impairs the normal functioning of a person so much so he or she becomes trapped in a routine of life where safety of oneself is primary, and anything or any person who threatens that safety is avoided at all costs. There is no joy in this life in this state of mind, only the desire to get through the day, and maybe fall asleep so as to no longer feel the pain one carries with them throughout the day. But then, the dreams come to haunt him in his sleep, and thus, there is no escape.
Fortunately, through the grace of God, I found a way out, and my days are brighter and better than they've ever been. I hadn't realized how sick I was until recently because I feel so good now, the best I've felt in my whole life. For the first time, I feel like my life is opening up to me in a way that has never been possible before this moment, and that I'm on the brink of living the life I was meant to live. Part of my process of recovery was to find out from Veterans organizations the numbers of people coming back from the war who were suffering from the effects of PTSD. I thought maybe I could help others find a way out of their nightmare since I was able to find a way out of mine. I contacted a couple of organizations, in particular the National Veterans Foundation, an organization who has built a reputation as one of the most sought out experts in treating PTSD for our veterans, and I learned some very surprising and shocking statistics. I spoke to Rich Rudnick, Director of Operations, and he told me when I asked him what the needs were of the organization and what they were seeing, that besides money (which all the Veterans organizations need), there exists an inadequate screening by the military of those suffering from the effects of PTSD. He informed me that the soldiers in the field were being given tranquilizers in order to reduce hyper-awareness and take the edge off of the soldiers' anxiety. Rich said they were getting calls from people who were in Afghanistan right now seeking help, and that between 20-35% of all of our military members returning from the war were suffering from some form of PTSD, from mild to severe.
That is a staggering number! Let's put that into actual numbers of people. According to the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans Of America, the first and largest nonprofit, nonpartisan organization for Iraq and Afghanistan veterans, there are 2.4 million veterans from Iraq and Afghanistan. If 20% of them were suffering from PTSD, that's 480,000 people. If it's 35%, 840,000 people! So, if the statistics are correct, and I have no reason to believe otherwise, PTSD is being experienced between 480,000 - 840,000 people as a consequence of going to war! There is an unbelievable amount of pain in this community. Besides PTSD, soldiers returning from the wars are experiencing an increase in tense family relationships, physical and emotional pain, psychological problems, drug and alcohol abuse, domestic violence, and suicide. A recent New York Times article titled 'Suicides Outpacing War Deaths for Troops', dated June 8, 2012, stated "the suicide rate among the nation's active-duty military personnel has spiked this year, eclipsing the number of troops dying in battle and on pace to set a record annual high since the start of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan more than a decade ago." And Time magazine in July reported in an article that the military suicide rate had spiked to one a day!
Lives have been shattered and broken as a consequence of these wars, and we must do more to help these brave men and women. They sacrificed their lives to fight for their country, and we must do everything we can to bring them back home, not just physically, but their minds, hearts, and souls as well. Everyone deserves to come back home and live the lives they were meant to live.
If you feel compelled, please look at the links to the websites of these organizations, and if you approve of the work they are doing, then I ask you to donate what you can to help their efforts to treat these men and women overcome the effects of PTSD and other psychological problems, and help them to re-integrate back into society. No one should be left behind. They deserve our love and support and I hope you find it in your hearts to reach out to those who have sacrificed so much and are in so much pain.
I'm happy to say Robert Redford is returning to the big screen this November, and has another film completed and set to be released in 2013. I, for one, am looking forward to seeing one of my favorite actors return to the big screen. Robert Redford is no longer MIA, and neither am I.
National Veterans Foundation
Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America
My own life has had its many ups and downs and twists and turns. After my time in the military, I followed my passion in the arts, and disappeared from the scene of society, as I worked to mine my talents, and discover the inner workings of my own nature. I experienced a very traumatic experience about a year ago which left my life in shambles, my future uncertain, and the hope of a bright future nearly extinguished. I suffered from a severe case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and for many months I was caught in the nightmare wondering if I'd ever get out. As a consequence of the event which happened, I lost a lot of weight; I couldn't sleep at night; I was having nightmares; at work, I was barely able to function and though I was there physically, I was not there at all mentally or emotionally; and, I wept constantly without any warning; for months, I would stare at my apartment walls for hours and then break down into uncontrollable sobs. The pain was so excruciating, I never thought it would end, and my thoughts would wander to the point wondering if life was even worth living.
PTSD is a major crisis in a person's life, it is not to be taken lightly or looked at as a weakness. It is a debilitating disorder that impairs the normal functioning of a person so much so he or she becomes trapped in a routine of life where safety of oneself is primary, and anything or any person who threatens that safety is avoided at all costs. There is no joy in this life in this state of mind, only the desire to get through the day, and maybe fall asleep so as to no longer feel the pain one carries with them throughout the day. But then, the dreams come to haunt him in his sleep, and thus, there is no escape.
Fortunately, through the grace of God, I found a way out, and my days are brighter and better than they've ever been. I hadn't realized how sick I was until recently because I feel so good now, the best I've felt in my whole life. For the first time, I feel like my life is opening up to me in a way that has never been possible before this moment, and that I'm on the brink of living the life I was meant to live. Part of my process of recovery was to find out from Veterans organizations the numbers of people coming back from the war who were suffering from the effects of PTSD. I thought maybe I could help others find a way out of their nightmare since I was able to find a way out of mine. I contacted a couple of organizations, in particular the National Veterans Foundation, an organization who has built a reputation as one of the most sought out experts in treating PTSD for our veterans, and I learned some very surprising and shocking statistics. I spoke to Rich Rudnick, Director of Operations, and he told me when I asked him what the needs were of the organization and what they were seeing, that besides money (which all the Veterans organizations need), there exists an inadequate screening by the military of those suffering from the effects of PTSD. He informed me that the soldiers in the field were being given tranquilizers in order to reduce hyper-awareness and take the edge off of the soldiers' anxiety. Rich said they were getting calls from people who were in Afghanistan right now seeking help, and that between 20-35% of all of our military members returning from the war were suffering from some form of PTSD, from mild to severe.
That is a staggering number! Let's put that into actual numbers of people. According to the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans Of America, the first and largest nonprofit, nonpartisan organization for Iraq and Afghanistan veterans, there are 2.4 million veterans from Iraq and Afghanistan. If 20% of them were suffering from PTSD, that's 480,000 people. If it's 35%, 840,000 people! So, if the statistics are correct, and I have no reason to believe otherwise, PTSD is being experienced between 480,000 - 840,000 people as a consequence of going to war! There is an unbelievable amount of pain in this community. Besides PTSD, soldiers returning from the wars are experiencing an increase in tense family relationships, physical and emotional pain, psychological problems, drug and alcohol abuse, domestic violence, and suicide. A recent New York Times article titled 'Suicides Outpacing War Deaths for Troops', dated June 8, 2012, stated "the suicide rate among the nation's active-duty military personnel has spiked this year, eclipsing the number of troops dying in battle and on pace to set a record annual high since the start of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan more than a decade ago." And Time magazine in July reported in an article that the military suicide rate had spiked to one a day!
Lives have been shattered and broken as a consequence of these wars, and we must do more to help these brave men and women. They sacrificed their lives to fight for their country, and we must do everything we can to bring them back home, not just physically, but their minds, hearts, and souls as well. Everyone deserves to come back home and live the lives they were meant to live.
If you feel compelled, please look at the links to the websites of these organizations, and if you approve of the work they are doing, then I ask you to donate what you can to help their efforts to treat these men and women overcome the effects of PTSD and other psychological problems, and help them to re-integrate back into society. No one should be left behind. They deserve our love and support and I hope you find it in your hearts to reach out to those who have sacrificed so much and are in so much pain.
I'm happy to say Robert Redford is returning to the big screen this November, and has another film completed and set to be released in 2013. I, for one, am looking forward to seeing one of my favorite actors return to the big screen. Robert Redford is no longer MIA, and neither am I.
National Veterans Foundation
Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America
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