Secondary PTSD - Mary's Story

I want to tell you the story of Mary.  I've changed her name to protect her identity and that of her former spouse, who is a military veteran.  Their story is one that gets played out thousands upon thousands of times all over the country in the homes of veterans and their spouses and children.  These innocent individuals are among the casualties of war that no one knows about, except for maybe the few who are close to them.  The war is brought into the relationship, and causes what is called secondary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, where the spouse and children begin to "mirror" the PTSD living inside the person inflicted with PTSD.  Secondary PTSD occurs when a person has an indirect exposure to risk or trauma, which results in many of the same symptoms as primary PTSD.  The most common occurrence of secondary PTSD is in the homes of returning veterans from the wars.  It seeps in almost unknowingly, creeps in like a thief in the night, and with it, disrupts, dis-harmonizes, and brings an unending list of troubles.  If PTSD, primary or secondary, is not treated, recognized, and healed, it will destroy the integrity and love in the relationships of all concerned, leaving deep scars and trauma wounds that can impact an individual for the rest of their lives.

Mary's story begins when she first met Steven while they were in high school.  They attended different schools, and met at a summer church festival.  Steven was one of the most handsome looking young men his age, strapping, young, full of youth and vigor, and the desire of all the girls around him.  Mary was this beautiful, spunky, immigrant girl from Southern Europe who matched looks with Gina Lollobrigida  and was every young man's dream.  They fell in love with each other that first night, and Steven told her the first time he met her he was going to marry her.  They seemed like the perfect match.  Mary found him to be very kind and sensitive.  They talked about their lives together, growing old, family, children, respect; Steven wanted the same things Mary wanted.  Although Mary buckled when Steven told her he was going to marry her, as she wasn't sure what she wanted to do yet with her life, they kept in touch while he was away fighting the war, writing letters to each other, professing their undying love.

When Steven came back from the war after going through a few tours overseas, he had changed.  The war had changed him.  Mary found him to be very distant, stand-offish, and not very friendly.  Mary noticed this drastic change in his personality, but because she remembered how he used to be, she would cater to him for his love and affection, believing in her heart, that if she showed him how much she cared for him, he would get better.  She knew the kind of person he was - kind, sensitive, outgoing, loving - and so, in order to bring this side out of him, she became very submissive.  She also didn't want to lose him, she loved him so much, so she did what she had to do to keep him from leaving.

One night, right before they got married, Mary and Steven went to a bar where a man whom Mary knew came up to her and said 'hi'.  Steven was so upset about this, he stood up, and walked out of the bar, leaving his fiance there to find a way back home by herself.  Mary was so distraught by Steven's overreaction, she cried and cried all night long.  Her mother, seeing her daughter shaken up and brought to tears by Steven, warned her daughter, "this man is going to make you cry the rest of your life."  But Mary didn't want to hear what her mother had to say, she loved Steven so much, and believed her love could save him from whatever pain he was going through.  Little did she know the problems she would soon face.

Steven and Mary got married very soon after he returned from the war.  But the problems didn't stop.  Steven would drink a lot, a very common coping mechanism for returning veterans in how they attempt to drown out the pain they feel inside.  He would be out drinking many times until 2 or 3 in the morning, coming home very drunk.  He drank at home, and during the week he would go out until very late.  Steven was hurting so bad inside, but he didn't know how to handle it.  How else was a 24 year old man supposed to handle that much pain having seen, witnessed, and participated in so much horror?  At that time, PTSD was not given the attention it deserved and those returning from the war did not have the resources to get healthy again.  The military breaks you down, teaches you how to kill, then you go do it, you come back, they give you a medal, and say have a nice life.  But those men are left with the mental, emotional, and psychological scars that impact the rest of their lives and the lives of their loved ones.  Just ask Mary.

The first year of their marriage, Mary told me, was very difficult.  One night, Steven came home drunk and said he was leaving her.  Mary knew he'd been drinking and told him to go to sleep and we'll talk about this in the morning.  Steven wouldn't listen.  Mary stood by the door blocking him from leaving, and in a fit of rage, Steven picked her up and threw her on the couch, and walked out of the house.  Mary, not one to give up on someone, got pissed off, ran after him and jumped on him from behind, knocked him down, and hit his face.  Steven was completely caught off guard by this.  Mary told him to get his ass in there.  He did.  The next morning, when Steven sobered up, in one of his few moments of vulnerability, said, 'You love me so much, no body fights for me.'  They reconciled, and for a while things were better, but things were about to get much worse.

Mary told me she was always in fear for her life when he drank.  Steven became very mean, everything was a problem, he wanted to hurt something, he had so much rage inside of him.  Whenever he drank, it relaxed him, and so this rage that he was bottling up, would come out.  As time passed and the problems continued, she felt that if she were not submissive to him, and instead was a woman who attacked him or stood up to him, she would have gotten hurt.  She slipped into a role, without even noticing it, which would define her role in the entirety of their relationship, of constantly watching out for people or circumstances that might "set him off."  Mary didn't want to aggravate or upset Steven in any way.  She catered to his needs, and when they had children, she took on handling all the childcare on her own.  She received very little help in the beginning in raising their son and daughter.  She wanted to keep everything "perfect" for Steven, but despite her best efforts, the problems continued.  Mary didn't know it, but she was showing the signs and symptoms  of secondary PTSD.

41/2 years into their marriage, Steven left Mary and their two young children, a boy who was 2 1/2 and an infant girl, who was 6 months of age, one night after coming home from drinking at 3 am.  Steven said he didn't love her anymore, and without any explanation, started packing up.  Three weeks before at a New Years Eve party, Steven had told Mary how much he loved and cared for her.  Mary begged him not to go.  "Please don't go, please don't go!" she screamed and hollered.  Steven was determined to do what he set out to do.  She cried and collapsed to the ground.  The emotional trauma was so extreme for Mary that within 24 hours her milk went dry for her still nursing infant daughter.

The next six months, all she did was cry and cry, and do her best to take care of the children.  Her son became her rock, and she clung to her children as a way to get through each day.  One day, while they were still separated, Mary got extremely angry with Steven because she'd found a receipt on the dash board of his car for flowers for some girl.  The two of them had taken their infant daughter to the doctor and Steven was driving them back home.  Mary attacked him and scratched her fingers on his face when they pulled up to the house.  Mary was so angry at him because she needed money for food for the kids and he was giving the money to buy flowers for a girl.  Steven blew up at what she did to him.  After dropping off their daughter inside with Mary's mom, they began arguing, and in a fit of rage, Steven picked up Mary and threw her in the snow.  Watching from the window, the violence, anger, hate, and pain, was their son.

Steven and Mary did get back together, for their children's sake and because they truly did love each other.  Mary though, grew even more submissive to him when he returned.  If the sky was purple, she would agree with him.  She did not want to upset him.  She wouldn't push him on issues, she would just agree, and would keep everything inside of her.  Mary did this because she didn't want to start any trouble.  She was afraid of losing him, and so she got through each day the best she could.  Mary did say though, not everyday was bad, there was a lot of good days, but she had to keep constant vigilance for that sign in him that said danger.

Steven eventually had to come to terms with his drinking.  The last night he drank during this period of their lives they were at a house warming party.  Steven was drinking pretty heavily, playing softball, being obnoxious and loud, kissing the girls around him, and getting drunk.  Mary was up by the house and couldn't find their son. She walked down to the fields where they were playing softball to find their son standing there watching his father doing all these things.  It got much worse as the night wore on.  By the time they left the party, Steven was beyond drunk, and insisted on driving.  Mary held her kids close to her side as Steven drove them home.  Steven nearly got them all killed in an accident.  Mary screamed at him, and was praying to God just to get them all home in one piece.  Steven, in his drunken stupor, slapped Mary, grabbed her hair, and became very violent.  Their son wrapped his arms around Mary's leg and buried his head into her.  Mary prayed and prayed all the way home.  When, by the grace of God, they did get home, Mary jumped out of the truck, and rushed her children inside.  Steven had fallen out of the truck, and was laying on the ground, but Mary didn't care at this point.  She'd made a pact with God that this was the final straw.  No longer was she going to put herself or her children's lives in jeopardy with someone who seemed so far from the man she remembered.  She knew there was a good man in there, but since the war, the man who returned was so full of rage and pain that he became a threat to the safety of them all.  Mary told me, in that moment, she became very calm, and knew what had to be done.

Steven made it inside the house and passed out on the couch.  Mary placed a bucket next to him so he had a place to vomit.  The next morning, Mary made coffee, and threw out the bottle of whiskey Steven used to add to his coffee when he drank it.  Steven was sobered up and completely oblivious to what had happened the previous night.  He had blacked out, and didn't understand why Mary was so cold to him.  Mary explained to Steven what happened, and told him, "That will never happen again.  You almost killed us.  They would have forgiven you because you were drunk.  But I was sober.  I'm never doing that again.  God gave me my children and you don't have the right to take them away."  Just then, their son came down the stairs and sat at the table for breakfast.  Steven tried to talk to him, and the boy, frightened and scared, said, "Papa, you scared me."  Steven really broke down.  This was his moment where the reality of the way he had been behaving became very clear, and the love he had for his child and his wife, made him make the choice to call and get help for his alcoholism.  Steven got the help he so desperately needed, for alcohol, not for PTSD, the true cause of his, and his family's problem.  Steven did stop drinking and didn't drink for many years, which diminished most of the tension and violence in the home.  But even when Steven was going in to get help, his parents told Mary, "the alcohol is just a symptom, its not the problem."

There was a long pause on the phone as Mary collected her thoughts.  She hadn't thought about these things for a very long time.  She said things got a lot better after that, but it didn't end completely.  She said she never knew when it would be World War III.  They built a successful life together, but that didn't stop the fear that he could explode if things weren't done in a certain way.  Little things became a monumental issue.  Everything was a war, or a problem, or a danger to Steven, according to Mary, and she remarked ironically, "Steven was always in the jungle, looking around."  Mary, to avoid confrontation as much as possible, kept the house clean (she also said she liked to keep the house clean too, so it wasn't really a problem or an issue), took care of the kids, did all the laundry, etc., everything in the family felt like it was left up to her.  And if she should fail or not do it perfectly, all hell would break loose.  So she did her very best not to give him any reason to complain.

I asked her about behaviors that stood out.  Mary told me that when they went to weddings, they would have to sit in the back of the room.  Steven didn't care much for crowds and wanted to see everyone who came into the room.  He stood on guard and watched most of the time, standing or sitting, and when he felt comfortable would go out and dance with her.  Steven was very judgmental and didn't trust anyone, especially women.  Back in the war, the enemy often used women and kids as boobie traps to kill soldiers in the field.  Mary sighed, held back a cry, and said, "Steven has such a good wonderful heart, but it was just damaged and in pieces."  Mary told me as the kids grew older, they used to make signs with their hands to indicate the temperament of Steven when he came home from work.  One finger meant Steven was happy, and five fingers meant everyone needed to be on their guard.  At times they felt like they were walking on eggshells.  Steven became a workaholic and Mary did everything else.  She told me he provided very well, and did the best he could, but didn't want to deal with the emotional side of life, or just wasn't capable of it at that time with his wife and children.

Mary went quiet for a moment, and then told me of a time when Steven had fallen off a roof and nearly died because of it.  Steven survived the fall miraculously, and while in the hospital, was the most kind and gentle person to her.  "He was so kind and gentle, he told my family how much he loved them, how he was going to change, how lucky he was to have her.  It was everything I ever wanted from him.  But then, three days later, it switched, and the old Steven was back."

I could sense the pain in her voice.  I asked Mary gently, was he ever there for you emotionally?  "Oh," she said, "I would cling to those windows of emotion, feelings and connection.  But it didn't last."  Mary said she tried to hide everything going on within the family to make things look perfect.  I asked her why and she said because he would get so upset.  He was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, his reaction to these everyday family emotional issues would be so over-the-top that you would feel like you and your children's lives were threatened.  But the BIG stuff, the big crises that would occur, Steven was great at handling.

Which makes perfect sense.  See, Steven, spent weeks, months, faced with constant fear, death, adrenaline, and danger.  This changes the way the brain looks and functions.  Steven could handle the big stuff extraordinarily well, it was the "normal" situations that he was ill-equipped to handle.  Hence, Steven would be very calm when the BIG stuff hit, while those around him marveled how he could handle these major life crises when they were on the edge of losing it.  But when the small stuff came in, what Mary considered "normal" family issues, Steven's reaction would be so over-the-top it would cause others, and her children to fear him.  So, she began to hide stuff from him to keep the peace.  Eventually, her behavior - hiding things from him about the children, her hyper-vigilance to keep a look out for cues and triggers that could bring about Steven's reactivity - most assuredly became a stressor and a problem for Steven.

In a healthy relationship, these "normal" family issues would not have become monumental events.  They would have been dealt with as soon as they occurred, and with the appropriate reaction and emotional response.  Here's the problem with PTSD (among many other things): you overreact to the small stuff, but are well equipped to handle the big stuff.  However, most of life is in the little details of everyday living.  Two, three, or four episodes of overreacting emotionally (excessive rage, threats, anger, etc.)  conditions the spouse or child to be in an hyper-vigilant state when the small things occur.  People start hiding things and covering up for fear of the reaction of the person with PTSD.  This creates major problems in the relationship and when the children grow older.  Issues that need to be addressed - potentially destructive behavioral patterns, truancy, emotional problems the child might be having - these things are kept hidden to keep the peace.  This constantly being on alert by the spouse, in this case Mary, and her children created the conditions for secondary PTSD to happen, and thus, the war got passed down to Mary and her children.

Throughout the interview, I couldn't help but think how beautiful and innocent Steven and Mary must have been when they first met, and how terrible war is and the casualties it inflicts, both on the battlefield and off.  

We ended the interview there.  Mary was kind enough to share with me her story of her experience with a vet.  I was very grateful she would open her life up to me.  She hopes her story will resonate with other spouses who might be experiencing similar circumstances to know that you are not alone, and to seek help, together with your spouse who suffers from primary PTSD if possible, in order to learn how to cope and heal the problem together.  The problem though with most vets with PTSD is they don't recognize they have a problem.  Until they recognize it, the best you can do is inform yourself about what PTSD and secondary PTSD is, and seek counseling for yourself and your children.

        

Granting Men Permission to Seek Help for PTSD

As I look back over the year of my greatest transformation, the key to my success in overcoming the paralyzing effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was my deepest desire to heal myself from the pain I was in.  For many years, I had lived a life of quiet desperation, too many failures and mistakes in my life had convinced me I was not worthy of the good things in life, too many unforgivable acts done on my part had placed me in the unenviable position of watching all those around me finding their dreams coming true, while I had to serve out the punishment for committing violations against myself and others.  I was my own critic, judge, and executioner.  I was dolling out the punishment I thought I deserved, and constantly living in the past, wondering what happened to the promising young man that graduated from the U.S. Air Force Academy.  This chronic depression, sadness, and self-loathing permeated all areas of my life and in my relationships, and even though I'd have brief moments where life was filled with love and joy, most of the time, it seemed the world had rejected me and I was just occupying space in the time that I lived.  I turned to drugs and alcohol to cope with the dis-ease I had about my life, a turn that only made matters worse, something that people who suffer from PTSD often do because they have no way to properly release all the pain that lives inside of them.  This only compounded the problem, and made it that much more difficult to climb out of the hole I'd dug myself into.

After experiencing the multitude of family traumas that plagued my family over the span of 6 years, the only refuge I had was in the arms of my ex.  She was my island of safety and security, and although we had issues, (and I certainly did my part to create problems within the relationship), the love I had for her was real and the only thing that gave me hope to escape from the endless cycle of pain surrounding my family was knowing I had her in my life.  Then, my parents got divorced after 40 years of marriage.  Right after that, my ex-fiance left me, in which I have already described in a previous post, and I was left alone, deserted by love, and my spirit was crushed.  The PTSD that resulted from this event was so severe, it brought me to the extremes of choosing between life and death.  I didn't want to live anymore.  I contemplated suicide.  I wanted it all to end.  Life was just too painful and I just wanted the pain to stop.

Men, we need to re-evaluate why we refuse to seek help when we hold on to so much pain inside of us it prevents us from living the lives we are meant to live and being the men we are capable of becoming.  We have been taught to believe that it is weak to let out your feelings, to show vulnerability, to acknowledge the suffering going on within.  Men who express their feelings are considered weak.  We are taught to keep it in, and just bear our guilt, our shame, or our fears inside of us.  Being strong, as we are taught, is not to show your vulnerability, not to acknowledge the pain you carry with you on the inside, and instead, we must pretend nothing affects us, or we compensate for our own suffering by projecting anger and hate on those around us, especially the ones who remind us of the pain they brought to us.  We are taught to keep it all in, show no emotion, as though we are impervious to the tragic events that occur in our lives.

I'm here to say to all of you men out there, this is hogwash.  It takes greater courage and strength to admit one has a problem than it does to deny it.  Those who deny it, deny their own shadow, and that shadow appears outside of us as projections we hate because it's something we hate in our own selves.  Men, I'm speaking about our own evolution.  I'm calling him the 'Millennial Man', one who has the strengths that has defined men for thousands of years, but also, the ability to acknowledge his own sensitivity and vulnerability in ways that are healthy, compassionate, and 'manly.'  We cannot evolve to the next stage on our journey as men through this life if we carry the burdens and pains of the past.  Like a weight, they hold us down, shackled to the rock, and prevent us from reaching new highs and fulfilling our life's purpose.

Let me re-frame it in another way.  If you have a piece of shrapnel in your body, and it's trying to come out, do you push it back down into your body because you don't want it to come out?  No, you let it come out, and even though it might really hurt as the body dislodges it, it might puss up and stink, it might ooze out this green mucus as it is ejected from the body, it might cause you an unbelievable amount of pain, but once it's out, the body actually has a chance to properly heal.  If the piece of shrapnel stayed in there, although it might appear all is well on the surface, on the inside the body is being slowly poisoned to death by this piece of metal that doesn't belong there.  Men, it is no different with emotional, psychological, or spiritual pain.  These are pieces of shrapnel that want to come out, that are poisoning your lives, and keeping you trapped in pain you do not have to live with the rest of your life.  Let me point out something else.  There are four areas of your life that make up a human being: the physical plane, the emotional plane, the mental plane, and the spiritual plane.  Three of these are unseen.  If any one of those areas is not healthy, it will be reflected in the world around us because the world we see is a consequence of the other three, not the other way around.  We must see, acknowledge, and heal the wounds on the inside for the world around us to change.

There is nothing uncool, or un-macho about seeking help.  In fact, it shows an incredible amount of honesty, self-love, and a recognition that one is human.  Human beings think and feel, we have emotions, and it is very cool to seek the help that will help you get better and be the man you truly are.  Do it for yourself, for your loved ones, for the people you care most about.

Men, you want to have the right leadership in your life.  Someone who understands you, who looks at you without judgment, who can see through your pain, who can help you to re-connect to who you truly are, who provides a space for you to release this poison inside of you, who will take out the shrapnel infecting your spirit, and help you heal the wound for good.  These things don't go away if we bury it.  Any pain that is not processed properly and is instead pushed down into the recesses of our minds, will come up in dysfunctional behavioral patterns that will affect the quality of our lives and the lives of our loved ones in a negative way.  We must get it out, and no matter how ugly or bad it may be, with the right leader, he or she can help you release it, and heal your mind and spirit.

Men, especially those coming home from the wars and are suffering from PTSD, find a life coach, a therapist, or a spiritual counselor to work with to help you out of the hells you are in.  Make the decision you want to get better, that you deserve to live free and happy, and that you will do whatever it takes to make yourself healthy again.  Check out the options available to you in your area.  Get input from other sources.  See what people are offering to help you with your problem.  Find the best one for you who you resonate with and feel comfortable discussing your pain.  Look for someone who specializes in PTSD.  You wouldn't go to a family therapist for an alcohol problem, or to a lawyer if you had a toothache.  You want to go to someone who understands your issue, knows what it is, and has dedicated his or her life to helping people with PTSD.

Guys, my experience with PTSD was both chronic and extreme, I've lived with some form of PTSD for a long time, and when my world collapsed 14 months ago, suicide, by choice or by accident, seemed like the only way to go.  No one on the outside, my family or friends, could fathom the depth of my pain, or even notice I was in that much pain.  Again, it was that 'male thing' about not showing emotion and trying to keep it all in.  But I was in crisis on the inside, major life threatening crisis.  I chose to get help.  And gentlemen, it was the best decision I have ever made.

Let me put it in perspective.  Before I got help, I lived a life of quiet desperation, chronically sad and depressed all the time.  I felt a failure in life, plagued by the "unforgivable acts" I'd done in my past, haunted by them regularly, constantly wondering "what if" and "why" did I do this or that.  And when the crisis of my life hit, I experienced PTSD in its most severe form for months and months without end: I had re-experiencing symptoms of flashbacks (reliving the event over and over again when I walked into the apartment), nightmares, and frightening thoughts every day all throughout the day!  I had avoidance symptoms: I stayed in the tomb that was my apartment and avoided contact with others unless I absolutely had to go somewhere; I was emotionally numb; I had strong feelings of guilt, depression, and worry; I lost interest in most of my activities I found enjoyable in the past like acting, hiking, and spending time with friends.  I had hyper-arousal symptoms: I was easily startled at work; I felt very tense and on edge; I had difficulty falling asleep at night because of the thoughts infecting my mind; and I was on the verge of having angry outbursts in public because of the inordinate amount of rage I had on the inside.  And in my darkest moments, I wanted to commit suicide.

That was a year ago.  Now, my life is vibrating!  My internal story has changed from I suck, I'm a failure, I'm a loser, I'm unlovable, I'm a sinner deserving punishment, to I rock, I'm here, I have a purpose, I deserve to have love in my life, and I am forgiven.  And why am I forgiven?  Because the person who I found help with showed me pure unconditional love as I brought up the pain in my past, and reminded me that despite those events that occurred, I was still the beautiful person that came into this world innocent and free.  She allowed me to bring up all that poison infecting my soul, and wash it away, cleansed of the guilt and shame attached to it, brought me back to myself, with love, and helped me to heal the pain of the past - all of it.  Now, I am the man who I came here to be - strong, compassionate, loving, and wise.  I look forward to every day that I'm alive!  I see and experience the wonder of my own existence.  I see the world now with fresh eyes, I'm more engaged with people, I see them and listen to them with my whole being, and I'm desiring to have more experiences that give me that exquisite taste of joy in just being alive.  Two weeks ago, I spent a glorious time in Nosara, Costa Rica on a yoga retreat, in which the final residual layers of the past sloughed off me like a snake shedding his skin, and a whole, new world unveiled itself before me.  A year ago I wanted to die; now, I want to live, and live an extraordinary life!

How did I do that?  How did I go from one extreme to the other, from wanting it all to end, to now, loving every moment that I breathe?  By seeking help for the problem that I faced, and in my case, it was PTSD.  This is the area I am now an expert in.  I understand it inside and out, and offer to help any who come my way wanting to break free from the trauma that imprisons them.  What I did for myself is what I offer you.  It works!  I stand by this program with every cell of my being, I'm willing to die for it, because I know what it has given me.  I'm a few steps ahead, and I know I can help.  This is my business, and my business is to help people recover from PTSD, particularly:

• PTSD resulting from emotionally abusive relationships
• PTSD resulting from the military
• PTSD resulting from intense family dramas
• Secondary PTSD for those living with someone who has PTSD
• I also help actors discover who they truly are so that they can bring this into their work

This is what I have to give, and it is mine to give at the deepest level.  If it resonates with you, contact me, if not, find someone who does.  As long as you get yourselves healthy, I don't care if it's with me, or with someone else, as long as you make the decision to do it.  I want you to have what I now have.  There is no greater gift you could give yourself than to free yourself from the chains that bind you to the painful memories of the past that keep you from being who you are capable of being.  Men, we are only as sick as the secrets we keep.  Give yourselves permission to be vulnerable, to let that piece of shrapnel come out, so that it doesn't infect the rest of your life.  We pass these things down into our future generations if we don't clear it up now.  If not for yourself, do it for them.  They will be forever grateful for it.

                

Freedom and Joy in Costa Rica

Pura Vida.  This is what Costa Ricans say on a daily basis.  It means 'pure life.'  And until this past week, it had very little meaning for me besides thinking it was a cool phrase.  I found it interesting that a whole country could sum up the embodiment of their experience of life in these two little words.  Can you imagine Americans or any other country for that matter responding to each other after a greeting with 'pure life'?  I certainly couldn't, and without a context and experience of what the Costa Ricans are talking about, they were just words.  Well, they are no longer just words for me.

My yoga teacher and friend, Andrea Marcum Pietrangelo, conducts these retreats to Nosara, Costa Rica once a year, and she pushed me to make this happen, especially in light of the PTSD I suffered from last year.  She and I both felt it would be the perfect gift to myself for overcoming and pulling through my challenges, and she assured me it would be something that would change my life forever.  She was right.
She's the best yoga instructor in the world.  Ok, I'm being biased, but she is wonderful, and I think all of us who practice with her at her studio in LA would agree.  And her retreat is worth every cent spent.

There were 11 of us on the retreat.  Most came from LA, with the exception of two; Sonja came from Boston, and Matt traveled down from Canada.  Most of us barely knew each other, aside from the occasional 'hi' we'd say before or after class at the studio.  Our connection to each other was the love we have for the practice of yoga, and the desire to live out extraordinary lives.  We all, I think, want to breathe in the fullness of life, and go after the experiences that make our lives fulfilling and full of joy.  Adventure traveling to exotic places has the potential to be life changing experiences, especially when you're with a group of like-minded people.  We came together not knowing what to expect, with people we hardly knew, and in an environment quite foreign to us.  And yet, there is an energy in Nosara so special, so uplifting, so life-affirming, it could not help but create the conditions for beautiful friendships to form between people experiencing something unique together unlike anything they could possibly have imagined.

We stayed in the beautiful resort of Tierra Magnifica, situated on the top of a mountainside overlooking the sloping jungle canopy below which was intercepted by the breathtaking bay and rocky isthmus jutting out into the pacific ocean.  Words fail to accurately describe the ineffable beauty of this landscape.  It is so immensely beautiful, calming, soothing, and expansive, one could stare at it for hours, days, weeks, and never get tired of it.  This place is a taste of paradise.  The trees around the resort are magnificent, and howler monkeys constantly move from tree to tree all around it. It was like watching a National Geographic show except it wasn't on television, this was all happening right before us, in the moment, all the time.  I couldn't help but feel connected to an ancient nature long forgotten in our civilized worlds.  

The moment I arrived there and saw the panorama before me, I had an immediate explosion of consciousness.  It was like the world that I had created, this tiny box that I had relegated myself to all these many years, suddenly had the roof blown off of it, the walls crumbled into dust, and this whole new world appeared before me, huge, limitless, ever expanding.  My soul stretched out to the edges of the sky, and the air I breathed in was fresh air, invigorating every part of my being, and I wondered what have I been doing all this time to keep me from experiencing this sense of freedom and aliveness?  As I stood and faced this awe-inspiring glory, I noticed how all my problems simply vanished, disappeared, they did not exist.  What did exist was this exquisite taste of simply being alive and the joy that comes with it.  I couldn't help but smile and my smile did not fade the entire trip.

Our day consisted of waking up early, having some fruit and yogurt to start the day, yoga at 8:30 am for two hours, followed by brunch, then lounging by the pool, afternoon activities, dinner, and stargazing.  My whole relationship to time dissolved when I was out there as the days seemed so long and our days were so filled up.  Our first day we went zip lining through the jungle.  13 lines we zipped on!  As we zipped along the lines, the jungle stretched out below, in some places 200 feet or more below us.  This one time, I rode tandem with one of the operators who suggested I ride upside-down without my hands holding on to anything.  I followed his advice, and watched as the blue sky above me whisked by.  It was so exhilarating!   I felt so alive!  All the problems of my past sloughed off my back and into the trees as I flew down the line leaving everything behind.  Suddenly, I began to understand what 'pura vida' meant.

In the middle of the week, four of us decided to try our luck at deep sea fishing.  Tina Kalayjian, Dominic Pietrangelo, Matt Piatek, and I boarded a small fishing boat called "Cowboy".  The two young men who operated the vessel guided us out into the vast, endless blue with 5 different lines trolling in the water behind us.  Our excursion was a huge success, reeling in three large Dorado fish (also known as Mahi-Mahi) which came out to over 100 lbs of fish!  (We had enough fish to feed all of us and the staff who worked at the resort for 3 days!)  Dominic caught the largest of the three, a beautiful 40 pounder, while Matt and I had the pleasure of fighting our two fish at the same time.  At least twice Matt and I had to switch sides in the boat as our fish were crossing over each other, and so one of us would have to duck under the other's pole in order to keep our lines from crossing.  Pulling in a large sport-fish from the ocean is a pretty exhilarating experience!  Afterwards, basking in our success, all four of us jumped into the ocean, and swam in the deep blue.  The water was so warm, like entering a warm bathtub, and for a moment, I floated up on top of the water, letting myself be lifted up by the might of that powerful ocean, and gazed at the sky above me.  I felt so alive, connected, and happy.  The freedom and joy I felt in that moment is indescribable.  This, I thought to myself, is 'pura vida.'

On another day, we went paddle boarding through a mangrove forest.  Once we had learned to balance ourselves on the board and paddle ourselves around on them, we slowly, gently, languidly moved through the rivers encompassed on both sides by these magnificent trees.  Since it is the dry season now in Costa Rica, their characteristic aerial roots were evident everywhere we looked.  Mangrove trees look as if they grow on stilts, which hold the trunk and leaves above the waterline.  Mangroves live on the edge, where rain forests meet oceans, and they help protect the coastline and prevent erosion by collecting sediment from the rivers and streams and slowing down the flow of water.  There is an abundance of wildlife in these forests, all of which support and maintain the delicate ecosystem so vital to the area.  This area of Costa Rica is a designated conservation area, it is the habitat of so many different species of animals and the nesting grounds for many shore birds and sea turtles.  So, here we were, cruising along these rivers, paddling around branches, through the aerial roots of the trees, and navigating our way to the far end of the river.  We stopped there, got off of our paddle boards, walked over a small patch of land, and found ourselves on this secluded black sandy beach right before sunset.  This is where the turtles nest during the rainy season, and since it is a designated conservation area, no development is permitted.  It was beautiful.  Most of us ran out into the ocean and swam for a while, some rested, and all of us ate some watermelon brought with us by our inestimable guides.  Tina labeled this day as 'the best day ever,' and it's hard to argue with her on that one.  Again, I came to understand a little deeper the meaning of 'pura vida.'

The second to last day of the trip, we had a beach barbecue and bonfire party.  The incredible staff at the Tierra Magnifica prepared and organized this activity for all of us.  Besides setting everything up including a volleyball net before we arrived, they cooked shish-kebabs on the grill, set up a huge bonfire for the evening, and even had marshmallows ready to roast in the hot coals of the pit fire when it was dark.  Again we swam in the ocean, took incredible pictures of everyone with the sun slowly setting down in the horizon, and drank in with all of our senses the immense beauty that surrounded us.  As night fell, the bonfire was lit, and this towering pyramid of flame torched the dense black night with its glowing red and orange light, our eyes were transfixed on this wonder of life, fire, and many of us sat or stood nearby and quietly watched it burn.  There is something very powerful about watching fire, I think it connects us unconsciously to the fire that burns within each of us, it's a physical reminder of that which is within, the flame in our hearts that gives us our lives.

That night, when we returned to our resort, a few of us stayed outside and stargazed.  The night sky in Nosara is amazing, beyond belief, an ocean of stars so luminous one could stare at them for hours.  Grace had an application on her phone which showed where all the constellations were above us, and this application had this really cool music to go along with it.  She handed it to me while it was playing, and as I viewed it in relation to where the constellations were in the night sky, I lost myself completely in it, moving the phone all over the place, including the ground which showed where other constellations were on the other side of the globe, and those who saw me laughed because I was completely oblivious to the people around me.  I laughed with them when I suddenly recognized what I was doing, but the experience of getting lost like that is remarkable.  With or without that application, particularly without it, I had this sense of being connected to it all.  Most times, I think, people feel so small when they look up and see the stars, but not this time, nor anytime, when I stood out on the patio and looked at the heavens above.  This time, this trip, while gazing up, I felt such an expansion of my soul and mind that it felt like I could touch the stars with my hands, that I was stretched out to the very ends of the universe and everything was apart of me and I was apart of it.  I had this strange feeling that while I was looking up at the stars, the stars were looking down at me.  I closed my eyes and felt as if all of nature - the night sky, the trees around me, the sounds of the birds, insects, howler monkeys, everything around me had permeated my skin, it was me and I was it.  I felt such immense joy in those moments and wanted to hold onto that feeling forever.  I can still see it and feel it as I right these words to you now.  A sense of oneness to all that is and connected to it all is the best way I can describe it.  It was wonderful.

The final day of our trip, I stayed at the resort while most of the group headed to the beach.  I sat in one of the chairs soaking in every moment of the breathtaking, enchanting, healing beauty that enveloped me.  I read Rumi, did some writing, and contemplated about life, love, and what my life had been like up and until this monumental trip.  My musings led me to discover some new insights, one of which was that nothing I had done up and until this retreat had ever given me what this week gave me.  I'd been living a life of quiet desperation, struggling against the current of problems and issues we all face, and wondering if it was ever possible to break free from the weight of the world.  The flashes of joy I would feel and experience in the quiet desperation of my life were brief and fleeting, I'd live my life for those brief moments of joy, and the rest of the time, it was just a struggle, trying to make sense of it all.  Yet, a new experience unfolded before me at Tierra Magnifica, something I had not previously felt.  Almost every single moment I was there was filled with joy.  I couldn't stop smiling.  Moment by moment, I embodied joy.  My life was a living expression of the joy and freedom we all crave, the sense of belonging to something bigger than ourselves, and the peace that comes along with it.  The world, miraculously, didn't seem so bad after all.

As nightfall came, the other members of the group returned from their day at the beach, and we celebrated our last evening with pina coladas made by our resident yogi mixologist Louis Anderman.  We sat at the long wooden table together for one last meal, a beautiful, balmy evening filled with laughter, music, and friendship.  The next morning, a whole family of howler monkeys came to say goodbye, and we watched them as they moved from tree branch to tree branch as they made their way through the jungle.  We said our goodbyes, returning to the world from which we came, but forever changed by the power, majesty and ineffable beauty of Nosara, Costa Rica.

A quick shout out to everyone who made this trip the gift that it was: Louis Anderman, Julie Lee, Kiki Elrod, Jason Richardson, Matt Piatek, Sonia Del Sonno, Grace Jehan, Tina Kalayjian, Dominic Pietrangelo, and of course Andrea Marcum Pietrangelo (without you, of course, none of us would have been there), thank you for making it such a memorable, unforgettable trip.  My life will never be the same as a result.  I'm so glad to include all of you in my inner circle of friends.  And to my friends in Costa Rica:  Erika Brandt, Paco Bertsch, Kattia, Louis, all the staff at Tierra Magnifica, and Erika Ayala, thank you for your hospitality, kindness, and the richness you added to my life.  I understand now what you mean when you say, 'Pura Vida.'

While I was soaking in the sun paddle boarding down the river, feeling the warm breeze on my skin, hearing the sounds of the birds in the Mangrove trees, watching my friends floating on the water in front of me, a thought occurred to me.  'If you're not doing what you love, than what are you doing?'  Perhaps when we start making choices based upon the things that truly bring us joy, our lives will feel more free and joyful, and eventually, over time, all that we do will be an expression and extension of those choices and experiences which brought us bliss.  Rumi says, "Let yourself be drawn by the stronger pull of that which you truly love."  I think he's right.  Each one of us must discover what it is we truly love, what it is we want to experience, and then, be drawn by it.  And once we finally get there, and we will get there, we can all say with truth and conviction in our hearts, 'Pura Vida.'


www.ustudioyoga.com
www.tierramagnifica.com
 

Healing the Masculine

In light of all the recent events where men have acted out in violent and aggressive behaviors towards women and children - from the horrible, unconscionable atrocities committed by the deranged young man in Connecticut to the group rape of the young woman in India - it dawned on me there is something broken in the male that needs to be seriously corrected.  We've been brought up to believe this is a violent world, that the only way to deal with violence is with more violence, and we puff up our chests and prepare for conflict.  We organize our society to prepare for war, and teach our boys and young men that violence is acceptable, even expected, because mankind's history is replete with stories of war, conquest, and battle.  The battlefield is glorified, and young men look forward to the time when they can join the ranks of their ancestors in fighting an enemy and achieving victory in a just and noble cause.  What we conveniently forget to tell them is the horrors of war, the emotional and psychological trauma that occurs, and the deep scars it imprints on their minds.  We are not programmed to kill when we are born.  It is not in our nature.  We have to be programmed to kill, desensitized to the suffering of another individual, taught to hate, and images of violence - through the media, video games, music, and the society which promotes it - encourages, supports, and enables violent behavior in men of all ages.  We only learn what we have been taught, what we learned from our fathers, and their fathers, and so on, and from the violence of mankind's history.  If we continue to look to our past as the only way in which we define masculinity, then we will continue to see and bear witness to more aggressive, fear based assaults on women and children.

What is true masculinity?  This is a question I have contemplated over the last few weeks, and I even imagined what my future self would tell me, the 125 year old man from the future (some of you may balk at the idea of living that long, but with the marvelous advancement of medical science, and the longer life expectancy of those now currently living, at this rate, we will be living longer lives, so it's not so far fetched, if you think about it).  Contemplate this for just a moment: wouldn't you like to be able to tell your younger version of you what you know now, so that you could give him the opportunity to make different choices, having already learned what needed to be learned by your sage advice and wisdom, without having to repeat it all over again?  What if there was a way for us to see into the future, see the best version of ourselves, and take his or her counsel to bring out the best in us right now and bring about the fullest realization of who we are capable of becoming?  The only link we have with us, unless you've been gifted with the ability to see into the future, is through our imagination.  We can imagine our future selves and then have them speak to us about whatever questions we might have about the issues confounding us.  Some of you may laugh at this and think this guy has completely lost his mind.  I'm laughing with you.  The reality of the 'millennial man' I will forthwith describe in the paragraphs below is an idea, something I've conjured up in the musings of my mind as I wrestle with this topic. Many will laugh and deride my musings, saying it doesn't match up with the realities of the world, the terrors we face, and the corruptible nature of man.  That's ok.  I'm fully aware and cognizant of the existing realities the world faces.  It is important to face the darkness and not be in denial of it, it is there for a reason.  Nonetheless, when light is shined upon the darkness, the darkness is converted into light, not the other way around.  I want to shine a light on the masculine, and discover what the future man could look like.  I'm a dreamer.  I dream of a better world than the one we live in presently.  And sometimes it takes just one person, one man or woman, to have an idea for it to set off a series of events which alters the course of human history.  I'm just one man throwing a pebble into the ocean.

Here's what my 125 year old version of myself told me.

"Mankind is at a crossroads in the time you now live in.  The ego-based thought forms for which you have been operating under for so many centuries and millenniums is coming to a head.  Two paths are open to you to continue down: the path of fear, driven by the madness of the collective ego and its desire to rule through fear and domination, or the path of love, which will bring man back in harmony with all mankind, with nature, with the universe.  It is yours to choose.

The male seat of power has been rooted in the false idea of aggression, domination, and control of the weak.  This idea has wreaked havoc on the world for thousands of years, and has brought about the imbalances between the sexes.  Because men have felt disconnected to the source of their existence, they have sought to bring the world under its control through force, coercion, intimidation, and manipulation, have subjected women to be objects that they possess and use to propagate, and have kept them down to create in them a sense of inferiority.  Although many women are now rising up to fulfill their life's purpose, many have adopted the same aggressive means of attaining achievements that men use.  The dark side of a man's nature is for domination and control, and if he is not successful, he will seek to destroy.  Be wary of this, the signs are excessive pride, anger, rage, hate, seeing everyone as the enemy, and wanting to take something away from someone else because of the value you project on it.

The true seat of power within a man is in giving.  The masculine principle is a giving principle.  The man gives, the woman receives.  This is the fundamental principle that governs the whole universe.  Just look at nature.  The sky mixes with the water molecules in the air forming clouds, the clouds give water to the receiving ground, and the ground brings forth the plants and trees that give nourishment to all living things.  This process is constantly going on.  If the masculine principle did not give what it has, and instead took away from the feminine principle, life would not exist.  The imbalance in the man exists because you take what you think you want from someone or something else, and seek to control it through dominance and aggression.  This does not accord with nature, and leads to violence and destruction because you take rather than give.  Man was to cultivate and subdue the earth to live well, but not to destroy it, deplete its resources, and cause others to suffer injustice and cruelty.

The millennial man will recognize this fundamental principle and re-orient his thinking along these lines.  The more he gives, the more he receives, and the balance between the sexes will be re-established.  He will understand that to be a man is to defend and protect the weaker and the innocent, and that aggression, intimidation, fear, and control no longer constitute what makes a man in this world.  Fear is used as means of control by those who are weak, who are afraid themselves of the unknown, and mask this fear by pretending to be strong.  Fear only begets more fear.  True strength comes from love, and is used as a means to live in peace and harmony with others and with nature.  Love does not buckle in the face of darkness, it stands firm, prepared to protect and defend all that it loves from those who would try to do it harm. The power of love is so much stronger than the power of fear.  The men of your time have it confused.

Do not fear the rise of the woman.  Cherish it, encourage it, support it.  The feminine principle has been kept down for too long, and it is time for it to emerge in its fullest potential.  They have so much to offer and have just as much a right as a man to live a purposeful life.  The imbalance between the sexes originated in the man as a consequence of his distortion of the masculine principle.  As long as you continue to use masculine energy to control and dominate the planet through aggressive and intimidating thoughts, behaviors, and actions, the imbalance between the sexes will continue.  The feminine principle is broken as well, but the healing of this brokenness begins with men understanding what true masculinity means.

A woman's energy is a reflection of a man's treatment of her.  When a man understands that masculinity is a giving principle, he can call out the femininity of a woman.  A woman is much stronger than a man on the inside, and because of man's inner sensitivity, men have compensated for this by becoming more aggressive and dominant in our actions and behaviors.  Woman are also connected to the source of life, they hold life within them and give birth, where as men do not, and thus, men feel disconnected to life and the world around them.  A woman can give a man a deeper connection to his source, but only when he calls out the femininity within a woman.  This is done when a man recognizes what it is to be a man - protecting, defending, giving - and then, doing it.

The young men in your time will continue to behave in violent ways until the men of mature age begin to offer them examples to follow.  Too many young men are being left to figure it out for themselves, and the roll models out there to emulate only promote and encourage the violent and destructive behavior.  When you no longer desire this unnecessary consequence in the society you live in, men who emulate the new standard of the millennial man will begin to come forward and offer a truer example for the young males to look up to.  Until then, continue to expect more unruly violence from the young men in your society.  The boys and young men learn what you teach them, by what you say and by your example, and if you neglect them their proper education, they have no way to understand how to harness the wild passions and desires within them, and consequently, will act out their primal instincts until their primal instincts rule them.  This is a danger to all, women and children especially, and represents a regression to the animal within us.  Boys and men who live in this state act and behave without a conscience, and thus, keep all those around them in a constant state of alert for fear of the consequences if one should upset them."

Me:  All that you said makes sense.  We men seem to have misunderstood the fundamental principle behind masculinity, that it is a giving principle, and not an aggressive principle.  But doesn't this contradict with what we do see in nature from other animals?  The dominant male will battle with other males for supremacy, and thus, the male that is most formidable through strength, fear, and intimidation wins out, holds the power in the pride or group, and has the best females to mate with to spread his seed?  Survival of the fittest?  Nature's way of perpetuating the best in the species?  Isn't it those who exhibit these qualities in the world - whether its in sports, business, politics, relationships - which seem to hold true?  That a man's power is in his ability to climb to the top of his profession through a fierce determination, motivated solely by his self-interest and ambition, and with no interest in who he might hurt along the way?  Is this not more true than what you just described?

125 Year Old Me:  "If man were only an animal, without the ability to reason, feel empathy or compassion for another human being, if he is only governed by his lustful desires for power, status, and success through greed, control, and dominance by the sheer strength of his will, then yes, this is true.  Men who operate on this level of consciousness are motivated by their egos and not their souls.  This is what I mean when I say this world is coming to a head because the predominance of the ego in its individual and collective manifestations has led to a world where the vanity of the ego, let's call it narcissism, reigns supreme.  It's about feeding your ego needs at all cost, regardless of who it might hurt along the way.  Men and women in your time will destroy all that is good in their lives to feed something they think they're missing, they are perpetually unhappy, and look to outside things to give them what they think they lack.  They will destroy all that is good in their lives in service of their own ego, they will make every excuse to justify their actions, and blame the other for the actions they took.   The ego is suspicious at best, and destructive at worst.  It is the ego which twists what it sees in nature to fit its own perception of the world.  Human societies which worked best were the ones who cooperated with one another, supported one another, held firm to what was noble within, and not what tempted them from without.  The moment something outside of them tempted them away from the love of their spouse, family, friends, countrymen, and the true virtues that held them together, (temptations such as greed, lust, power, and excessive wealth), those men (and women) lost their way, they became fragments of who they were, and their societies and families began to crumble from within.  Men, today, must find their true nobility within, which is to be better tomorrow than you were today, and recognize that you have the ability to rise up above your animal nature through your capacity to reason and the capacity to love and feel empathy for others.  Compassion for all is what will separate the millennial man from others, his ability to to connect to his feelings, and use it to find solutions for the betterment of society."

Me:  Wait a second, aren't you taking away something essential to being a man?  The way you describe the millennial man seems to me like he's a wimp.  He's weak, he doesn't fight, he's sensitive??  Who would want that kind of man?  What about a man just being a man, doing manly things, you know, being strong and tough, hanging out with his boys, drinking some beer, driving his truck, standing up for his girl?  Aren't you suggesting a rather weakened version of a man?

125 Year Old Me:  "On the contrary, a sensitive man, one who has compassion for others and restrains his acts of defense, will not be weaker, but stronger because he will know what is worth protecting and defending, and will not waste his time on situations where it only serves to inflate his ego in his eyes and in the eyes of others.  He will be more in control of his passions, and will be able to process situations without resorting to anger and threats in order to achieve his objectives.  He will outsmart and outwit those who are driven solely by their animal passions, and he will not be afraid to protect those he loves.  And who says you can't do "manly" things because you've understood that the masculine is a giving principle, and not an aggressive one?  Just because one understands this, doesn't mean you turn into a wimp.  Your sense of your own masculinity comes from within you, no one can take that away from you unless you yourself decide to give others the power to judge your masculinity, and therefore reduce it for their own particular reasons.  Be free of the good opinion of others!  What others say about you, think about you, comment about you, is not your business, that's their business.  If they have a problem with your masculinity, its their problem, not yours.  You are responsible for the kind of man you want to be, uninfluenced by anyone else.  As a matter of fact, because you understand the principles I am expostulating, you will be more manly, because you will give in every situation your are in, you are in touch with who you are and your connection to the male principle of the universe.  Only you can give your manliness away."

Me:  That makes sense.  But what about the young guys?  They've got all this energy and need to put it somewhere?  You can't expect them to read poetry, sing songs, and play the harp?  Boys like to play rough, young men too, what do you have to say about that?

125 Year Old Me:  "The millennial man is not adverse to the activities that define maleness nor would he impose limitations on the boys and young men from experiencing their own physical strengths and abilities.  In fact, he would encourage it.  Boys and young men need to grow into their abilities, and competition, both individually and on teams, facilitates and develops these strengths in an optimal environment where the boys and young men strive for excellence.  The root word of competition is compete, which means the desire to make better.  It it vitally important for a man to be exposed to athletics, to engage in physical activities that push him to be at his best, to teach him the value of belonging to something bigger than himself, and to understand how to be humble in victory and gracious in defeat.  Many life long lessons are taught in these type of activities, and men benefit in life for participating in sports, belonging to the military, or striving for excellence in an individual endeavor.  The millennial man wants to bring out the best in all men - physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual - there's is no aspect in a man's life that needs to be diminished.

When violence occurs, regardless of its form, the man has brought forth the destructive power within him, he is moved by anger, hate, and revenge, and these do not create excellence within a man.  When a man discovers these dark forces within, and finds success in life by acting out from these emotions, without proper influence from other older males who will teach him how to corral these emotions and keep them under control, he will continue to act out in these ways as long as it gives him what he wants.  This only feeds the ego, and the male ego dominates the planet.  Aligning yourselves with the spirit within, and grounding yourselves in actions based on love, will re-orient the male energy towards the giving principle, and this will initiate actions within the male that consistently done over time will enable the world to re-balance itself for the harmony and good of all."

Me:  I see.  Makes sense.

125 Year Old Me:  "Let me ask you a few questions.  What do you think a man ought to do to bring out his best self?"

Me:  Well, I don't know, let me see.  First, I think a man needs to know who he truly is, without the influence of his wife, partner, parents, his siblings, his teachers, coaches, girlfriends, friends, priest, pastor, or anyone who might try to define him based upon their preconceived notions of what it means to be a man.  A man discovers this through self-inquiry.  For instance, what do I like?  what gives me joy?  what kind of man do I want to be?  what do I want to have in my life?  How do I go about doing this?  I think a man needs to uncover all that is dark within him, face what needs to be faced, all his insecurities and fears, and recognize them for what they are: illusions in his mind.  What is not made conscious comes to us as fate, and these can be hard lessons to learn.  A man must own all of himself, his achievements and his failings, take responsibility for it all, and as a consequence, he will learn how to grow from his mistakes rather than project them out onto others and blame them for his errors.  A man must remove any duplicity he has in his life, any area where he is not being authentically himself, and question why he feels it is necessary, even desired, to behave contrary to his true nature.  A good man is a good man in all situations and in all circumstances.  And when circumstances throw us off, and we act in ways that are mean and cruel, a man must re-center himself, take inventory on why he slipped up, correct what needs to be corrected, forgive himself and forgive others, and make amends where and when he can.  He needs to be honest, real, and authentic, and remove lying from his discourse with others.  Lying and deception is based on fear, and fear breeds cowardice, a most undesirable attribute in a man.  I also think a man needs to find a way to connect to life without needing someone else to fill the void, he needs to unite both the masculine and the feminine principles within himself first, so that he returns to the world whole and complete within himself, and thus, doesn't fall into the trap of needing someone else to fill the emptiness inside.  This is painful at first, but the rewards are great, for one comes to truly 'know thyself', as the Greeks used to say.  And when he is in a relationship, he will have more to give, because he will be coming from a place of wholeness.  I think a man needs to stay physically active, challenging himself, and pushing himself towards excellence in all that he does.  Intellectually, he needs to develop and educate his mind in multiple areas - science and technology, mathematics  grammar, languages, the arts and humanities, the classics, philosophy,  history, spirituality, etc - to be able to process lots of information, analyze it, and synthesize the information in ways that support his growth and development, and helps him to contribute to the society he lives in in constructive and positive ways.  He needs to be self-reliant, and support himself before he tries to support others.  Emotionally, he needs to control his emotions, not act on them.  He must have the ability to recognize when he needs to communicate what he feels, and develop the ability to do it in a way that keeps his sense of masculinity in tact.  He must stand firm in his truth, and not someone else's, and do it with dignity and self-respect.  The strength of a man is in direct proportion to the respect he has for himself.  And when a man respects himself, he respects all of life, including women and children.

125 Year Old Me:  "Excellent.  However, you haven't quite explained the attributes of a man's character that will be the core of this new millennial man.  Expound on this a little more, reach deep inside and ask yourself what must you do to bring out the best in you?  What character traits are yours to give, in common with every other man, which all men can relate to?"

Me:  Boy, you're making this hard.  Uh..let's see.  I think this man must have unshakable faith in the goodness of his soul and the goodness he brings to the world.  He must have integrity, a willingness to do the right thing as best he can at all times and in all circumstances.  This man must stand up for what is right, what is truthful, and must do it with kindness, gentleness, and non-violence.  His loyalty, first and foremost, is to God, and then to truth, love, and beauty.  And if someone unjustly and cruelly injures him, causes him harm, he will stand firm in his own being, pull himself up by his bootstraps, and continue on, choosing to bring good into this life.  It is not what happens to us that defines us, it is what we do with what happens to us after it has happened.  Do you overcome it or does it overcome you?  A man's character is built through the challenges he faces, not the ones he avoids or denies.  In regards to the other person who has done him harm, the best that a man can achieve is to forgive that person, not because they deserve it, but because the man deserves peace.  Forgiveness is the strength of the millennial man, I think.  Why?  Because it allows a man to see things clearly and as they are, his mind unclouded by the darker emotions of hatred, anger, revenge, and matching cruelty with cruelty.  Forgiveness doesn't mean you get walked all over by those who've done you wrong.  On the contrary, you are able to hold people accountable for the wrongs they've committed without resorting to being cruel and unjust yourself.  I think this man doesn't look for trouble, but he doesn't back down when trouble comes his way.  He stands in his own integrity, and seeks to peacefully correct all injustices and cruelties in his life, in his community, in his world.  Kindness is a hallmark of this man.  He is charitable and kind to all, honest, forthright, and wants more for others than he wants for himself.  He is a lover of life.   

125 Year Old Me:  "Good.  What about compassion and love?  Why are these important in bringing out the best in a man?

Me:  Compassion is the ability to see in another our shared humanity.  It is only when we have suffered, do we recognize the suffering of others, and this leads to empathy, which ultimately leads to kindness and love.  When a man understands his own darkness, he can see in others theirs, and out of that common pain, love for others springs forth, and healing begins.  A man who has love in his heart, and operates from the foundation of love, will influence the people in his life in a much different way then if he was motivated by his ego.  All his thoughts, words, behaviors and actions will reflect what is his motivating force in life, and the love he has and shares will increase ten-fold.  A man who brings love into the world inspires and enriches people's lives, and unites rather than divides.  This man will not provoke a fight, will look for all possible options to solve problems, but will not fear to stand up to those threatening harm or injury to his loved ones, his friends, his countrymen.  It is because of a man's love for his wife, his partner, his children, his family, his brothers that he will give up his life for them, not because of fear.  This, I think, is a common element among all men, and shows what a man will give for those he loves.  At the same time, love is gentle and kind, seeks only the best for all, wants only the best for all, and men governed by this principle will work towards a society where all are able to experience love, joy, peace, and happiness.  Love is the glue that binds everything together, and I think when more men lead from their hearts, live from their hearts, and act from their hearts, then the world will change for the better.

125 Year Old Me:  "Well said.  Now go out and do it.  This is your challenge at this time, now is the time to step up and bring forth all that is best in you."

Me:  One last question before you go, which path does humanity take?  The path of love or the path of fear?

And before I could finish my question, he disappeared.

    
                        

     



   

           

Reflections on 2012; What I want to Give in 2013

The end of the year has come and gone.  I was fortunate enough to spend some time in Colorado with my family and reflect on this year of great transformation for me, my family, and the world around me.  I chose not to write during this time because I needed to rest, and reconnect to my beginnings.  The family home where I and my siblings grew up in was sold, the consequence of my parents divorce after 40 years of marriage, and the new realities my family and I all face.  We shared our last Christmas in the home together with our aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, and family friends; a tradition my mother has been in charge of since my grandmother died a couple decades ago.  It was bittersweet.  The atmosphere was peaceful and joyous, the way I'd always remembered our Christmases, and I was glad we were able to have one last Christmas Day dinner in the home.  It was important to have one last happy memory in the house, to give thanks to all the great times spent in that wonderful home which my father provided for us to live in, and to say goodbye.  Although we were happy, at the same time, it was very sad, because it was the end of something that had played such an instrumental part of my family's life and history, and thus signaled the end of an era.  There's no going back.  No way of rewinding the clock, and recapturing the feelings, emotions, and experiences attached to that home.  Some attachments are hard to let go of, but we all must let go of what's old in order to herald in the new.

The Christmas season is a time where we all connect to the spirit of giving, we remember what's truly important, and through our family we are brought back to our connection to the source of our lives.  This past year, with the unbelievable tragedy in Connecticut, we were reminded how precious our time spent here with our loved ones trumps all other concerns we might have about the myriad issues and problems plaguing our lives, and underscored how violent our culture has become.  We must change.  We cannot allow this culture of violence to continue, I think people have had enough, and we must start creating a world where love is at the core of our daily existence.

2012 tested me in ways I could never have imagined or conceived.  Towards the end of 2011, I suffered from an extreme case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after the sudden and unexpected departure of my ex-fiance from our apartment while I was away at work.  She had planned, organized, arranged, and executed a plan behind my back to leave all the while showing me love, affection, and tenderness when we were together.  The execution of her plan was so harsh and cruel because I didn't see it coming, I had no way to prepare for it, and it crushed my spirit; I was broken wide open.  I suffered unendurable pain, the likes of which I will describe to you: when I opened the door to our apartment and discovered all her stuff was gone, I felt like I got torpedoed to the bottom of the ocean, and where she lived inside of me got ripped out of me and all this pain, agony, grief, and rage spewed forth.  It was a shock to my system; I collapsed to the ground, started grieving uncontrollably, and I couldn't breathe.  I went into a state of hysteria.  I called her and my calls went straight to voice mail.  I lost it.  I left her grieving messages, angry ones, hateful ones.  Things I would never had spoken, I said; cruel things, mean things.  I was thrust into the dark night of my soul, and my life was in the balance.

For months, I carried this traumatic experience with me.  Every time I opened the door, I kept reliving the nightmare.  I had sleepless nights, and when I did sleep, I had terrible nightmares.  My mind kept recycling the upsetting memories of the event trying to make sense of it, but it only made matters worse for me because it kept recycling the pain.  It was a very dark time.  It brought me to my knees.

For weeks on end I'd just stare at the walls for hours and break down into uncontrollable sobs, in the kitchen, on the floor of my apartment, and in the bathroom.  I was on my knees praying to God, grieving so much, asking for His help.  I could barely function.  I lost weight; I couldn't or barely ate; at work, I was there in body, but I felt like a walking corpse - all the life had been drained of me, my heart and spirit was crushed.  At times I didn't know if I was going to make it through, the pain was so excruciating.  I felt extremely vulnerable and wanted to protect my wounded soul from any who tried to get inside. Paradoxically, I craved intimacy and wanted/needed to feel loved, but was not able to let anyone in for fear of being wounded again.  Attached to this extremely sensitive vulnerability was an unbelievable amount of rage inside; I wanted to destroy, I wanted to seek revenge, I wanted to hurt because I'd been so hurt.  And now I understand what it means that only hurt people can hurt.  You want to hurt the world because the world has hurt you.  But, at my core, the very essence of my being, didn't want to cause more pain, so I sat with it, by myself, all alone in my apartment, and faced what was in me that needed to be faced.  My apartment became my tomb.  A few times I wanted to die.  I had suicidal thoughts because I just wanted the pain to stop, but something in me told me to keep going.  Just one more day.  Get through one more day.  I lit candles at the beginning to get me through, a 30 day vigil, and I prayed like I never prayed in all my life.

I wept a canyon of tears fighting for my life.  And when I was away from the relative safety of my apartment, I was on hyper alert, and had to quell the desire to explode all my anger on the people around me.  Little things could set me off, I'd have to breathe into every moment calming thoughts to restrain my anger.  When I was away from my apartment, I couldn't wait to get back there, to the safety of the walls around me, and yet, when I returned home, I was tormented by the event recycling through my mind and the reliving it day after day when I opened the door.  This event broke me wide open, and the old me was burning in the fires left behind by the atomic bomb my ex-fiance detonated on our relationship.  I was confronted with many demons deep within my psyche which included: deep rage; grief on an epic level; the desire for revenge or retaliation; the fear of abandonment and desertion by the love of my life; the loss of love; and the loss of who I thought was my best friend.  All of these "demons" are and were the illusions of my mind, but at the time, they were very real to me, and for months held me prisoner.

Fortunately, through the Grace of God, I found help.  Step by step out of the depths of my darkness and despair, I brought me back to the joy and celebration that is my life.  2012, for me, was about reclaiming the life I was meant to live.  I found a way out of the darkness of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  In doing so, I reclaimed not only the beauty that is me and my life, a life of joy, beauty, love, and happiness, but I've been given a gift to share with the world.  When one of us is healed, we all can be healed, regardless of the cause of PTSD in our lives.

In 2013, I want to give what has been given me.  When one of us is healed, it must be shared so that others can find their way home again.  Truly giving allows me to give this out.  It is mine to give at the deepest level.  I've developed a program to help those suffering from PTSD recover from their trauma and reclaim the lives they were meant to live.  The program is simple, easy, and effective.  I am living proof it does.  I know from firsthand experience - this was my way out.  In my mind, the greatest teachers and healers are the ones who've been there, who understand and know the pain you are going through.  They're not speaking from a bunch of books they've read, or from a position of authority because they have a degree, they know because they've been there.

If you suffer from PTSD, or know of someone who does, whether military or civilian, or have suffered deep loss, I so want you to have recovery from PTSD and come to know your beautiful self.  Currently, sufferers are treated with selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (drugs often used to treat depression) and with psychotherapy.  At the moment, these treatments are the best available, but they are not that effective.  My program is holistic in nature, incorporating modern scientific understandings of the human mind, as well as advanced studies in science, quantum physics, and higher consciousness.  I will work one on one with the individual, taking them step by step through the program, until they're freed from the pain.

Here are some of the benefits one will get out of this program:

• Understanding how you create the framework for which you see and experience your reality
• Learning how to effectively make peace with your past
• Re-contextualizing your life so that you can learn and grow from the past, and not be imprisoned by it
• Understanding how the mind works, and how to change the thoughts before they set in motion the negative behavioral and emotional coping patterns
• Understanding how to break free from the excessive guilt, shame, rage, vulnerability, and/or sense of failure often associated with traumatic experiences 
• How to bounce back from the trauma by re-programming the subconscious mind to match your desires with the intention to manifest
• Discovering what truly brings you joy
• Appreciating everything that comes into your life and recognizing it has something to teach you
• A deeper spiritual connection to life
• Discovering and knowing the incredible being you truly are
• Learning to remove beliefs, thoughts or attachments which keep you from unleashing your true potential
• Knowing the power of forgiving yourself and others
• Knowing that YOU are enough

This is just a short list of what someone who is currently experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder will benefit from by doing this program.  I'm not one to promote something if I didn't believe in it.  And here's the proof this program works: I had no idea how sick I was until how good I feel now.  I didn't know I could feel this good!  And I so want you or anyone who suffers from this debilitating disorder to feel this good as well.  Let me share with you or someone you know who has PTSD what I have learned, help you to free yourself from the lingering and painful effects of PTSD, trauma or loss, and set your hearts and minds free to be your true selves, in love with yourself and with all of life, and free to choose the life you want to live and the person you want to become unencumbered by the past.

If you or someone you know is suffering from PTSD, please, send them my way.  I generally charge $125.00 an hour, and offer a sliding scale for those who can't afford the rate, but no one will be turned away. 

Many blessings to you all this New Year!

  

Elephant Theatre Company's 2012 Season Launch Party

The Elephant Theatre Company has been my artistic home for the last 7 years.  It's a company of wonderful, extraordinarily talented actors, writers, and directors from all over the country, and it's the kind of company you want to be a part of.  The passion for the craft is evident in all the first-class productions we mount, and every member of the company is dedicated to being the very best artist they can be.  It's a family as well, and as challenges confront us all in the course of our lives, I find it absolutely remarkable the outpouring of support and love this company has for each of its members.  Whether it is the loss of a loved one, the pains of addiction, the heartbreak of dissolved relationships, or the death of a member of the herd, there is never a shortage of love and compassion in this company for its members.  This is a group of true artists, passionate for their craft, dedicated to bringing the best theater possible in the Los Angeles area, and they do it not for the money, not for the fame, but because they believe there is a responsibility artists have to create works that reflect the ideas and issues confronting the society at large, and the theater is a way to bring a greater awareness and a conscious, compassionate voice to those issues.

Theater has always had a major role to play in almost every society.  The ancient Greeks saw the theater as a way to elevate the conscious awareness of what it meant to be human, and to debate the social and political issues of the day.  They saw it as a way of teaching others through the re-enactment of stories that spotlighted the tragedies and comedies of life.  There is a cathartic feeling one goes through when attending great theater.  You watch as the characters go through the challenges they face, sometimes it makes you laugh, sometimes it makes you cry, and when its done really well, you experience the breaking of time and space.  You forget where you are.  The story has you, grabs your heart, and takes you for the ride.  This is the quality of the performances we generate at this company.  Since I've been a member, we've won numerous awards for direction, outstanding production, and ensemble performances.  We're a community of artists who believe that art has the power to transform the world.  We are dedicated to the craft, and see the importance of what we do not in terms of what it will put in our pocket, but what it contributes to the community at large.  The stories we tell are new, relevant to the times, and deal with the social, political, economic, and human dramas our society currently faces.  I feel honored to be assembled with such a wonderful group of passionate artists.

This is the Elephant Theatre Company's mission statement: The Elephant Theatre Company is a union of artists including actors, directors, designers, and writers.  Our goal is to offer a satisfying theatrical experience to both new and seasoned audiences throughout greater Los Angeles by cultivating original works, encouraging risk, and bringing contemporary published works to life.  The only demand this company makes of its members is that they commit themselves to the search for new avenues and unconventional ways of realizing their work!

The Elephant Theatre Company began in a loft in downtown LA by graduates of the California State Long Beach theatre arts program.  It sprung from the passion of actors who wanted to continue their craft and bring something new and original to the LA theater community.  Without a theater space to call home, these daring artists performed plays in the loft and invited audiences to come watch.  Their commitment to the craft was unrelenting, and when the opportunity to build a new home provided itself, Artistic Director David Fofi and Don Cesario made the move to their present location on Santa Monica Blvd and Lillian Way.  Since 1999, this has been our home, and where we continue to forge new ground in bringing to life the plays of contemporary playwrights, with courage, love, integrity, and passion.

We spent the last year on hiatus.  We decided to spend a year re-organizing, hired two managing directors, and re-connected to the reasons why we all chose to be theater artists in the first place.  The fires re-kindled, the company is now focused and prepared to open our next season, and as with any not-for-profit theater company, we have to raise money to fund our productions.  This year, our season launch party is set to be the best ever!  The Gala event will highlight a silent auction with over $32,000 dollars worth of items including a Top Gun experience, trips to NYC, Napa and Palm Springs, an African Safari,  and a one week stay in the south of France!  In addition we will be announcing our upcoming season!  It's exciting for all of us.  We have a renewed energy and are more determined than ever to bring high quality, meaningful shows for the Los Angeles audience.

If you're in the Los Angeles area this weekend, there's still time to buy tickets to this wonderful event.  We hope you can join us.  If you are unable to join us this weekend at our Gala and Silent Auction Season Launch Party, but still want to support our 17th season, please consider becoming an elephant donor.  The Elephant is a 501(c)3 organization: all donations are tax deductible.  Please email elephantinfo@yahoo.com and we will gladly facilitate your contribution.  Thank you for supporting the Elephant, and we all look forward to serving you on the stage in the upcoming year!

www.elephanttheatrecompany.com
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0NCZWYOnOg

Attachments

When I love someone or something very deeply, I don't want to let go of them or for things to change.  As a boy, I remember how beautiful and pristine the mountains were, how relatively untouched by the encroachment of man, and how I wanted to keep that ineffable beauty in tact.  When the towns on the road to Granby, CO. started to grow and expand, specifically Winter Park and Frazier, and the trees were being cut down, large swaths of acres being developed for condominiums and houses, and the purity of this heavenly landscape was being stripped away, I remember how sad I felt and how I wished I could buy up all  the mountains from the state of Colorado so they couldn't develop and destroy its natural wonders.  As the development and expansion of the valley continued to grow and each year more buildings were erected, more trees were cut down, and the fish in the lake were getting smaller and smaller, I longed for the "purer" days of my youth and attached myself to those days as being "better."  I had a deep attachment to the past and to the memories I shared with my father.  How I wished to go back to those days!

If I could have a deep attachment to the landscape, because I didn't want it to change, imagine how deep my attachments are to the people in my life, past and present.  I love people.  I love my family very deeply.  And when I was together with my former fiance, I loved her very deeply.  Loving them is not the problem, nor should I stop loving as truly and as deeply as I do - my love is unconditional - it's been put to the test - but, it's true, it is.  I've learned that.  And know it.  My problem comes in the attachment I make with the people I love.  When things change, as they will inevitably do as things evolve and grow, I have had a hard time letting  go of the people who've played such an important part in my life.  A part of me refuses to accept that a period of my life is over, never to be recaptured, lost in the oblivion of past time and space, and the feelings and emotions I felt gone with them.  I reach back into the storehouse of my memories to connect to this person once again, re-living the golden memories we shared.  Unlike most people, I think, the way my mind works is I disregard or d energize the impact of the negative memories and look past them.  I've always felt when people show you their "dark" side, that's not who they truly are, it's just this blot on the screen, and who they are is beyond these defense mechanisms and ego constructions they've built around themselves.  (Note: I am in no way discounting the evil in the world.  There are evil people who do evil things and they should always be held accountable for their actions.  However, I believe these people have gone completely unconscious and lost total contact with the Source of their existence.  But this topic is for another blog.  My focus here is about attachments to persons, places, or things in our lives, past and present, that keep us down from living the lives we were meant to live and how we can break free from them).  I don't hold grudges or grievances very long, so it's hard to look at someone with hatred for long, or hold against them something they've done to me in the past.  It's just the way I am.  What I hold on to is the love we shared, the love that brought us together, the magical wonderful feelings we felt for one another or that we shared and expressed to each other, and I want to go back to that, and I wonder how did love not triumph?  How did we let the workings of the ego, the little hiccups and challenges destroy the love in the relationship that brought us all together?  Of course I understand now that love could never have been destroyed, I am love, and that love can never be taken away from anyone.

Anyway, my attachment around my partner, my family, and my idea about relationships is rooted and held firm because of my love for them, and my desire to be and have unconditional true love in my life.  For instance, I have a deep attachment to my family.  The love I have for them is unconditional.  They can do just about anything, and I won't stop loving them.  When things are great for them, my heart is light, my day's are better, I'm happier; yet when things are bad with any one of them, I commiserate and sympathize with the problems in their lives, and unconsciously attach to their pain, making it my own, and suffer along with them.  I add their issues onto my issues, which just adds more weight to my heart and spirit.  When you take on other people's problems which are not your own, you take away from them their own power to solve the issues by themselves, and create a form of the co-dependent relationship.  They are dependent upon you to solve their problems for them (at least partly), they attach themselves to you as the source of their solutions, and defer to you to make the decisions for them.  This often happens in families because of the deep bonds we have for one another.  Our happiness is dependent upon whether they live up to our expectations, and when they don't, this brings up anger, resentment, and feelings of not being appreciated or loved.  "If he loves me, than he'll do this..." or "if she loves me, she'll do this.." is a familiar pattern in families because of our attachment to our fathers, mothers, sisters and brothers and what we think is best for them.  Unfortunately, this is not allowing them to be who they are and accepting them completely.

As I've become more consciously aware of who I am and what my purpose is, and what loving unconditionally truly means, I've also learned that to love someone unconditionally implies the word non-attachment, to the results or outcomes that come about from all my relationships.  My family, for instance, gets to choose how they want to live their lives.  I can't be attached to the "hoped for" outcome that I perceive I want for them, if that's not what they want.  What I want for them is to be happy and filled with love, joy, and peace.  Attaching to what that looks like for them or how this might manifest, would only cause me pain if, for whatever reason, it does not come about, or is delayed for a time, or does not fit in to my idea of what would make them happy.  I must and do recognize that every single member of my family is on their own journey, they are wonderful, incredibly loving people, and I have to be there for them as a son or brother who only wants the best for them, and who loves them truly and unconditionally.  At the same time, I must withhold attachment to the results or outcomes.  I must love them so much to allow them the freedom to find their way without my interference or judgment.  

Until recently, the troubles of my parents and siblings over the years has brought me great pain, consternation, frustration, anger, disgust, and exasperation at the futility to make positive, concrete change in the movement and manifestations of their lives.  My family's drama (and we all have it, or most of us do anyway) has affected every area of my life, kept me prisoner to the extreme vacillations between joy and despair, because I allowed it to have its grip on me.  Why?  Because of my attachment to them and the outcome of their lives.  Where does this attachment come from?  From the deep love I have for each one of them.  I have confused what unconditional love means, and made it to include suffering along with them or because of them, and thus, I have allowed myself to be at the mercy of their unconscious and conscious behavior and actions, which had brought me suffering because I felt helpless to affect positive change to their situations.  Now that I am practicing non-attachment to the outcomes yet still remaining a participant and influence in their lives, I'm seeing the benefits in my own life, health, and inner happiness.  Plus, I have made a personal reunion with God as the source of my life, and this has made all the difference in the world.

Another person with whom I formed a deep attachment to was with my former girlfriend and fiance.  I was deeply, deeply attached to her, so much so that the thoughts running through her head became my thoughts.  My idea of true love, true unconditional love with a partner, is to unite with them at the deepest levels of the heart, mind, body, and soul.  The mystical union of two people - however, when two people are sick, this union becomes toxic, and if you're looking for someone outside of yourself to fill the perceived lack you think you have - in this case, romantic, mystical, deep, passionate, authentic love - if you see this love outside of you, then the attachment you make with the person who objectifies these qualities reaches the very core of your existence.  But no one, no woman, nor man, can substitute for what you think you lack, and thus, this kind of attachment is a tragic error that ultimately leads to destruction.  I placed too much responsibility on my ex to fulfill my expectations of her which she was not able to fulfill, and visa versa, I wasn't able to fulfill her expectations of me because of the same tragic error.  When my ex left me unexpectedly and without warning behind my back while I was away at work, I experienced what I thought was the death of Love.  Because I'd placed true love outside of me, I experienced the absence of true love when she left me, and as a consequence, I was confronted with the dark night of my soul.  My attachment to her was so deep and so strong that her departure was excruciatingly painful, almost unendurable, until I discovered and found God, and thus found myself, and came to realize true love never left me, it was always within me, and when I fell in love with everything about me, I realized I am Love.

This is something I wrote down during that dark time in one of my darkest moments which I think is appropriate to enter here and share with you.  I wrote:  Love yourself unconditionally and unconditional love will manifest in your world.  Love yourself truly, and true love will find you.  Love yourself completely, and you will be complete.  If you want true love in your life, then it must start in you.  Be true to yourself, love yourself unconditionally, and watch the world reflect back to you what you see inside of you.  True unconditional love begins and ends with each one of us.  If I don't love myself unconditionally, and I attach it to someone outside of myself, inevitably I will get hurt because I see love as outside of me.  If I have unconditional love for me, then I can give that away, for I can only give away what I have for myself.  Attach love outside of myself to my relationships, and the love and joy I experience and receive is dependent upon what they do or don't do.  This erroneously puts love and joy in a conditional, co-dependent form and I am at the mercy of these co-dependent relationships.  Making ourselves whole (not dependent on outside relationships to give us love and joy), completing the circle, and practicing non-judgmental non-attachment offers the best way to be free to live life the way it was intended to be lived.

What does holding on to my attachments to people do when its time to let go of the old and usher in the new?  It keeps me locked in the love experiences of the past, longing for the past, recriminating myself for mistakes along the way, and wishing for those moments of love to return.  This love attachment to people no longer in my life, whether its a lover, a friend, or family member, prevents me from experiencing the love present all around me right now in front of me, and blocks the new love from coming in in another form.  The new love is probably 100 times better than my last relationship, but I can't allow it to manifest if my thoughts are preoccupied on what I lost and once had.  Reminiscing about the love I shared with my ex, for instance, keeps that relationship alive on some level.  This keeps the new love at bay, and I suffer because I don't have a partner to share in the experience of a sacred, romantic love.  Prior to my awakening and resurrection, this would have led me down the path of left turns, and before long, all the self-doubts, self-criticisms, and self-judgments would take over and reign.  The cycle of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors would only be interrupted when a new woman came to take her place - then, undoubtedly, the pattern would start all over because of my attachment to the idea of what this new woman in my life would represent.  Fortunately, I've moved beyond this, and am now seeing things from a whole new perspective.  Participating in life, loving all those I come across or come into my life unconditionally, because I love myself unconditionally, without any expectation or stake in the outcome is the best and most holistic policy.

Why do we attach?  Because we fear to lose something we value.  Whether it be love, relationships, our family, money, cars, houses, possessions, a scent, a touch, an experience of pure happiness - whatever it may be, we attach to it because we fear we may never experience it again, and if it's people, we fear we may never see them again.  My attachments are all rooted in my deep love for the people, places, and experiences I've had.  I will always love them, unconditionally, because that is who I am.  However, what would it be like to let go of all of it?  What if we could just drop all of our attachments to our thoughts about who we should be, what our relationships should be, what our beliefs should be, or what our lives should be?   Can you imagine, even for a moment, how free you would be to be yourself?  No longer defined by what others think of you, or what society thinks of you, or even what you think of yourself, but completely free from all attachments to the things, people, places, and thoughts which have influenced your idea of your individual identity.  Who would you be then?

Imagine a room full of chairs and every chair represented an attachment you had about yourself.  For every attachment you had, you had to pick up one chair.  Attachments could be: I need to be a good father.  I need to have a successful career.  I need to be a good son.  I need to be loyal to my friends and family.  I need to be seen as a good mother.  I need my children to respect me.  I need to be a great writer.  I need to have a big house and lots of cars to drive.  I need to be there for people when they need me.  I need to have true love in my life.  These are just some examples.  Now, these are just your attachments that you have for your own life.  That's a lot of chairs to hold on to.  Now add other people's issues to your attachment list when you take on their problems as your own (examples: my son needs to get a good job; my mother needs to find someone new in her life; my father needs to stop watching so much tv; my friend is wasting his life away and needs to get it together; my boyfriend needs to take responsibility for his life), and suddenly, you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.  Now imagine the relief and freedom one has by putting down those chairs.  For each attachment let go of, you set one chair down.  How light would you feel?  How happy would you be without all that burden attached to who you think you should be?  How much energy would you gain to do the things you want to do and be the person you want to be?

You can never deviate from your true nature.  If your nature is loving, releasing yourself from these attachments allows you to be more loving, there's more energy to love those around you without needing anything from them to fill you up.  You're already filled up.  There's nothing that needs to be added.  And life proceeds beautifully and effortlessly.  This is not to say you won't have challenges or confrontations, but you'll be coming from a different place, one in which you participate fully in the life that you have, but have no stake in the outcome.  You proceed moment to moment, fully aware and able to handle any and all situations that come your way because you are not burdened by your attachments to the end results.

Here's another thing to consider about attachments to beliefs, thoughts, people, places, or things in our past or present.  If a bird is tied down by a string around its leg, how high can it fly?  If our beliefs, thoughts, people, places, or things about the past or present are strings around our legs, we are kept from reaching the heights of our potential, and our lives are only partially lived.  Now consider this: can you catch the air?  Can you press the rewind button and go back to what was?  No, you can't.  Your life is lived moment to moment, it's fleeting, you can't catch it, or hold it, or stop it from advancing.  Change is happening all the time.  Nothing stays the same.  If you keep looking back, or holding on to what was, you'll never see what's ahead.  Something better is always just around the corner.  Let go of your attachments, give yourself a chance to grow and experience new things, and you just might be surprised at the person you end up becoming.

When you let go of attachments, you're left with you, and that's a wonderful place to start.  Trust in yourself. Believe in yourself.  Don't look back, there's nothing back there worth holding on to anyway.  Choose, right now, in this moment, to live an extraordinary life.  Take the time to examine your beliefs and why you believe them; question your fears and doubts; and look inside your heart and decide once and for all to be all that you're capable of being.  The greatest gift you can give to those you love, both past and present, is to be all that you are capable of being, making the most of yourself, for yourself, and for others; and, ironically, by making the most of yourself, you help others more.  You become an inspiration.  Your example will teach others what they themselves are capable of doing in their own lives.  Detach yourselves from all your former attachments, hold on to nothing from the past, learn and grow from it, that's all.  Remember, only love is real.  Move into the present, cherish every moment and hold on to none, and always come back to yourself.  You create your life.  Decide the life you want to live, unencumbered by the past, forgive others and forgive yourselves, and where necessary, make amends.  Have no regrets.  Live your life. It's a gift.  Let no one keep you down or diminish your value and self-worth.  We are all children of God.  All of us deserve to be happy experiencing love, joy, and peace.