Reflections on 2012; What I want to Give in 2013

The end of the year has come and gone.  I was fortunate enough to spend some time in Colorado with my family and reflect on this year of great transformation for me, my family, and the world around me.  I chose not to write during this time because I needed to rest, and reconnect to my beginnings.  The family home where I and my siblings grew up in was sold, the consequence of my parents divorce after 40 years of marriage, and the new realities my family and I all face.  We shared our last Christmas in the home together with our aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, and family friends; a tradition my mother has been in charge of since my grandmother died a couple decades ago.  It was bittersweet.  The atmosphere was peaceful and joyous, the way I'd always remembered our Christmases, and I was glad we were able to have one last Christmas Day dinner in the home.  It was important to have one last happy memory in the house, to give thanks to all the great times spent in that wonderful home which my father provided for us to live in, and to say goodbye.  Although we were happy, at the same time, it was very sad, because it was the end of something that had played such an instrumental part of my family's life and history, and thus signaled the end of an era.  There's no going back.  No way of rewinding the clock, and recapturing the feelings, emotions, and experiences attached to that home.  Some attachments are hard to let go of, but we all must let go of what's old in order to herald in the new.

The Christmas season is a time where we all connect to the spirit of giving, we remember what's truly important, and through our family we are brought back to our connection to the source of our lives.  This past year, with the unbelievable tragedy in Connecticut, we were reminded how precious our time spent here with our loved ones trumps all other concerns we might have about the myriad issues and problems plaguing our lives, and underscored how violent our culture has become.  We must change.  We cannot allow this culture of violence to continue, I think people have had enough, and we must start creating a world where love is at the core of our daily existence.

2012 tested me in ways I could never have imagined or conceived.  Towards the end of 2011, I suffered from an extreme case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after the sudden and unexpected departure of my ex-fiance from our apartment while I was away at work.  She had planned, organized, arranged, and executed a plan behind my back to leave all the while showing me love, affection, and tenderness when we were together.  The execution of her plan was so harsh and cruel because I didn't see it coming, I had no way to prepare for it, and it crushed my spirit; I was broken wide open.  I suffered unendurable pain, the likes of which I will describe to you: when I opened the door to our apartment and discovered all her stuff was gone, I felt like I got torpedoed to the bottom of the ocean, and where she lived inside of me got ripped out of me and all this pain, agony, grief, and rage spewed forth.  It was a shock to my system; I collapsed to the ground, started grieving uncontrollably, and I couldn't breathe.  I went into a state of hysteria.  I called her and my calls went straight to voice mail.  I lost it.  I left her grieving messages, angry ones, hateful ones.  Things I would never had spoken, I said; cruel things, mean things.  I was thrust into the dark night of my soul, and my life was in the balance.

For months, I carried this traumatic experience with me.  Every time I opened the door, I kept reliving the nightmare.  I had sleepless nights, and when I did sleep, I had terrible nightmares.  My mind kept recycling the upsetting memories of the event trying to make sense of it, but it only made matters worse for me because it kept recycling the pain.  It was a very dark time.  It brought me to my knees.

For weeks on end I'd just stare at the walls for hours and break down into uncontrollable sobs, in the kitchen, on the floor of my apartment, and in the bathroom.  I was on my knees praying to God, grieving so much, asking for His help.  I could barely function.  I lost weight; I couldn't or barely ate; at work, I was there in body, but I felt like a walking corpse - all the life had been drained of me, my heart and spirit was crushed.  At times I didn't know if I was going to make it through, the pain was so excruciating.  I felt extremely vulnerable and wanted to protect my wounded soul from any who tried to get inside. Paradoxically, I craved intimacy and wanted/needed to feel loved, but was not able to let anyone in for fear of being wounded again.  Attached to this extremely sensitive vulnerability was an unbelievable amount of rage inside; I wanted to destroy, I wanted to seek revenge, I wanted to hurt because I'd been so hurt.  And now I understand what it means that only hurt people can hurt.  You want to hurt the world because the world has hurt you.  But, at my core, the very essence of my being, didn't want to cause more pain, so I sat with it, by myself, all alone in my apartment, and faced what was in me that needed to be faced.  My apartment became my tomb.  A few times I wanted to die.  I had suicidal thoughts because I just wanted the pain to stop, but something in me told me to keep going.  Just one more day.  Get through one more day.  I lit candles at the beginning to get me through, a 30 day vigil, and I prayed like I never prayed in all my life.

I wept a canyon of tears fighting for my life.  And when I was away from the relative safety of my apartment, I was on hyper alert, and had to quell the desire to explode all my anger on the people around me.  Little things could set me off, I'd have to breathe into every moment calming thoughts to restrain my anger.  When I was away from my apartment, I couldn't wait to get back there, to the safety of the walls around me, and yet, when I returned home, I was tormented by the event recycling through my mind and the reliving it day after day when I opened the door.  This event broke me wide open, and the old me was burning in the fires left behind by the atomic bomb my ex-fiance detonated on our relationship.  I was confronted with many demons deep within my psyche which included: deep rage; grief on an epic level; the desire for revenge or retaliation; the fear of abandonment and desertion by the love of my life; the loss of love; and the loss of who I thought was my best friend.  All of these "demons" are and were the illusions of my mind, but at the time, they were very real to me, and for months held me prisoner.

Fortunately, through the Grace of God, I found help.  Step by step out of the depths of my darkness and despair, I brought me back to the joy and celebration that is my life.  2012, for me, was about reclaiming the life I was meant to live.  I found a way out of the darkness of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  In doing so, I reclaimed not only the beauty that is me and my life, a life of joy, beauty, love, and happiness, but I've been given a gift to share with the world.  When one of us is healed, we all can be healed, regardless of the cause of PTSD in our lives.

In 2013, I want to give what has been given me.  When one of us is healed, it must be shared so that others can find their way home again.  Truly giving allows me to give this out.  It is mine to give at the deepest level.  I've developed a program to help those suffering from PTSD recover from their trauma and reclaim the lives they were meant to live.  The program is simple, easy, and effective.  I am living proof it does.  I know from firsthand experience - this was my way out.  In my mind, the greatest teachers and healers are the ones who've been there, who understand and know the pain you are going through.  They're not speaking from a bunch of books they've read, or from a position of authority because they have a degree, they know because they've been there.

If you suffer from PTSD, or know of someone who does, whether military or civilian, or have suffered deep loss, I so want you to have recovery from PTSD and come to know your beautiful self.  Currently, sufferers are treated with selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (drugs often used to treat depression) and with psychotherapy.  At the moment, these treatments are the best available, but they are not that effective.  My program is holistic in nature, incorporating modern scientific understandings of the human mind, as well as advanced studies in science, quantum physics, and higher consciousness.  I will work one on one with the individual, taking them step by step through the program, until they're freed from the pain.

Here are some of the benefits one will get out of this program:

• Understanding how you create the framework for which you see and experience your reality
• Learning how to effectively make peace with your past
• Re-contextualizing your life so that you can learn and grow from the past, and not be imprisoned by it
• Understanding how the mind works, and how to change the thoughts before they set in motion the negative behavioral and emotional coping patterns
• Understanding how to break free from the excessive guilt, shame, rage, vulnerability, and/or sense of failure often associated with traumatic experiences 
• How to bounce back from the trauma by re-programming the subconscious mind to match your desires with the intention to manifest
• Discovering what truly brings you joy
• Appreciating everything that comes into your life and recognizing it has something to teach you
• A deeper spiritual connection to life
• Discovering and knowing the incredible being you truly are
• Learning to remove beliefs, thoughts or attachments which keep you from unleashing your true potential
• Knowing the power of forgiving yourself and others
• Knowing that YOU are enough

This is just a short list of what someone who is currently experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder will benefit from by doing this program.  I'm not one to promote something if I didn't believe in it.  And here's the proof this program works: I had no idea how sick I was until how good I feel now.  I didn't know I could feel this good!  And I so want you or anyone who suffers from this debilitating disorder to feel this good as well.  Let me share with you or someone you know who has PTSD what I have learned, help you to free yourself from the lingering and painful effects of PTSD, trauma or loss, and set your hearts and minds free to be your true selves, in love with yourself and with all of life, and free to choose the life you want to live and the person you want to become unencumbered by the past.

If you or someone you know is suffering from PTSD, please, send them my way.  I generally charge $125.00 an hour, and offer a sliding scale for those who can't afford the rate, but no one will be turned away. 

Many blessings to you all this New Year!