WE HAVE TO ALLOW OURSELVES TO BE SEEN
In order for
us to connect to others, we have to allow ourselves to be seen. We have to give ourselves permission to show
others who we really are without fear of being rejected or shamed because it is
the only way we will be able to have a true authentic connection with another
human being. We have to feel worthy of
connection. Now, this is what shame
boils down to: am I worthy of love, belonging, and connection? To feel shame is to believe you are not
worthy. The opposite of shame is
worthiness. So how do you get a sense of
worthiness, a deep feeling of being worthy of belonging, love, and
connection? The key is to allow yourself
to be vulnerable, to speak your truth without guilt, shame, anger, or blame,
and to trust that your willingness to be totally transparent, will foster the
conditions to bring the truth of who you are out for all those to see.
Brene Brown
talks about whole-hearted people.
Whole-hearted people feel they are worthy of connection, and have a
strong sense of who they are, regardless of what other people might be saying
about them. Brown describes four
characteristics of whole-hearted people: courage, compassion, connection, and
vulnerability. Courage is often confused
with bravery. One of the ways our
culture has defined courage is the inner strength to face your fears, which is
often equated with standing on the battlefield in the front line facing a
barrage of artillery, witnessing and partaking in the horrors of battle. This is bravery. Courage comes from the Latin, and its
etymological root is ‘of the heart.’
Hence, the true meaning of courage is to tell your story of who you are
with your whole heart. That’s what
courage is.
Whole-hearted
people are able to speak the story of who they are with their whole heart. They’re able to speak all their
imperfections, their insecurities, their self-doubts, and they’re able to do
that with a sense of love about themselves, and recognition of their own
limitations. Our ego-minds have a tendency
to infect how we perceive ourselves. If we are not as “perfect” as our ego mind
directs us to be, then, we will believe on some level, whether we are conscious
of this or not, that we are not good.
Whole-hearted people do not have this conundrum. They recognize that life is a journey; they
are imperfect by nature, which gives them permission to grow and learn from
their mistakes and errors consciously without the burden of the excessive
weight of guilt and shame. We can only
become the people we are capable of becoming by learning from our
mistakes. If we don’t allow ourselves to
learn from our mistakes, and get stuck in guilt and shame, we impede the
process of our evolution.
Compassion
is the understanding or empathy for the suffering of others. Whole-hearted people have compassion for
themselves, for others, and recognize their own humanity. They have let go of anything they thought
they were supposed to be, or should be, so that they could be who they are. This enables you to have true connection with
someone because you are not hiding anything.
You are showing your strengths, your weaknesses, all of it. By allowing yourself to be truly seen, you
miraculously get this deep connection we’re all searching for, but what’s
unique about this kind of connection, allowing yourself to be that vulnerable,
is it is authentic. You have an
authentic connection to another human being.
You’re not hiding anything, you’re not covering up anything, you’re not
deceiving anybody, and thus you’re opening yourself up to be who you truly are,
the whole of you.
People who
are whole-hearted fully embrace their vulnerability. It’s not something they run away from,
cowering in fear, worried about what others might think of them. They are not afraid of losing love because
they know the source of their love is inside them. They believe their vulnerability is what
makes them beautiful. To be vulnerable
is to be fully open to life, to be fully alive, and is characterized by the
willingness to embrace all that life has to offer. So, whole-hearted people forgive easily, not
because the other person deserves it, but because they deserve peace. They will be the first ones to say, ‘I’m
sorry’ or ‘I love you’, because they know there are no guarantees in life; they
recognize the transience of the material world, and will find out and cultivate
what is truly most important. It is not
material things or grievances which are of value to the whole-hearted person. ‘Love holds no grievances’ as A Course in
Miracles says. You cannot love someone
and at the same time, hold a grievance against them. These are contradictory impulses, and deny
the holder of these impulses with the ability to see past the ‘sins’ of the
other to the beauty that is in them.
All
you see when you hold a grievance is the sinner, the unforgivable sinner who
deserves punishment by you. They may
have done something in the past that was wrong, and the wrong may need to be
addressed, but there is a difference in how you do it. When you do it from a place of love, you
respect the person who stands before you, you recognize the error they
committed is not who they really are, that in that moment they fell asleep to
who they truly are, and behaved in ways that were hurtful. But you can’t solve a problem on the same
level that it occurred. You must rise up
above the pain, anger, and desire for revenge, and seek what is noble in
you. When you seek what is noble in you,
and act from that place of self-love and self-respect, you will begin the
process of transcending the event which has caused you so much pain. Trust in this process, and I promise you, you
will see the person you hold a grievance against transform, you will no longer
be holding them hostage to their past, and you and they will eventually be free
from the past completely.
Tomorrow, Part 3.
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Charlie Pacello is a PTSD, Depression, and Healing Trauma Recovery Expert and Life Coach, a former US Air Force Lieutenant, and creator of the program, 'Lt. Pacello's Life Training Program.' He can be reached by visiting his website at www.charliepacello.com
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